Harley Quinn's Red Mark
by DragnBoi65
Summary: After dumping the Joker, Harley Quinn decides to aim for the top and become a member of the Legion of Doom with the help of her new crew and her best friend Poison Ivy. But she will also have the guidance of the world's most deadly assassin and master thief. Adopted from Chillman22.
1. Ch 1 - Reunited

**Hello and welcome to my first ever fanfic on this website. **

**I hope you all enjoy it.**

* * *

Chapter 1: Reunited

Snow fell as a Russian train sped down the tracks, carrying a deadly warhead and a large group of men to a set destination but there was something else going on. On top of the train, a person was casually strolling towards the front while humming a song without a care in the world.

This individual was a man garbed in a black suit made of flexible Kevlar though the shoulder pads, clawed gauntlets, and metal toes of his knee-high boots were made of lightweight silver titanium. The metal belt around his waist was lined with leather pouches and the buckle was a simple circle with a red X. There were also pouches on his thighs and upper arms with the ones on the former being a little bigger; attached to his back was a black cape made of the same Kevlar as the suit.

The most eye-catching feature of this ensemble, however, was the black masked helmet made of a polyethylene plastic and the front was emblazoned with the white face of a skull complete with expressive white eyes. As with the belt buckle, there was a red X over his left eye as well as in the middle of his chest.

The mystery person in question was Red X, the famous master thief and assassin who was feared by countless criminals and loathed by numerous supervillains across the planet, especially those of the Legion of Doom.

He continued strolling up the train and humming but it was worth mentioning that he was carrying a warhead of his own under his left arm. It wasn't long until he arrived at the car the other warhead was being transported in; he knelt down and looked down into the side window before quickly pulling away. Slowly, he looked in again to see the hulking KGBeast and three other Russian guys playing a card game in front of the door leading to the warhead already aboard.

"**Shit**," Red X cursed in a mechanized voice provided by the vocal modifier built into his helmet.

He moved away from the window and started thinking; he soon looked to the previous railcar then an idea popped into his head. The master thief stayed low as he crawled onto the boxcar behind him and crouched near the side of the roof just above the door. Using his free hand, he knocked on it before quickly reaching into a pouch on his belt and pulling out four marble-sized metal spheres.

The door opened and a Russian man poked his head out to look around for what made the knocking sound. He saw only falling snow but did not expect four small metal balls to come flying into the room and exploding, creating a huge cloud of smoke. The men started coughing as KGBeast and his card buddies ran into room to see what created the noise.

The man with the weapon arm saw all the smoke and demanded, "What is going on?"

Another small metal ball flew into the haze-filled room and landed on the floor where it started releasing a colorless gas with a hiss.

"What is . . . uhhhh . . ." KGBeast soon dropped to his knees then to the floor along with every other guy in the room.

The gas sphere released the last of its contents before Red X swooped into the room and retrieved his empty gadget.

He looked at the people sleeping on the floor, **"Excuse me fellas."**

The thief and assassin stepped over the snoozing Russians and made his way into the room where the warhead was being held. He looked at the metal door then at the three locks on either side and above it.

Red X nodded a little, "**Not a problem."**

He set his own warhead down, reached into a pouch on the left side of his belt, and pulled out a trio of black metal orbs roughly the size of tennis balls. They were placed on the floor then the master thief reached into the pouch on his right thigh and brought out a small tablet. He tapped the screen and it turned on to reveal icons for various programs and functions; he tapped on a few and it caused the spheres on the floor to make a 'beeping' sound. Each of the balls gained a small red electronic eye, three spindly legs, and a propeller that whirled to life thus revealing them to be compact drones.

Red X touched his screen and his gadgets took to the air then positioned themselves at each lock. He was about to tap the tablet again when a cellphone-esque ringing went off inside his helmet.

The thief and assassin tapped the left side of his helmet and said, "**Thank you for calling Domino's. May I take your order?**"

_"X, where are you? You should have been back by now,"_ replied a female voice from the tiny speaker near his left ear.

"**Relax, Mandy. Everything's under control. Just had a small snag but it's taken care of**," replied Red X in a casual tone as he touched his tablet's screen.

The drones inserted their legs into the keyholes when Mandy replied, _"You do know what is at stake here, don't you?"_

They started to pick the locks as their boss replied, "**Of course. But I got this handled. No need to worry. Believe it."**

The locks' red lights turned green as they gave off a collective chime to signal that the door was now unlocked.

Red X opens it and sees the warhead strapped to its carrier as Mandy said, _"Don't take this situation lightly, X. You know what could happen if that warhead were to reach its destination."_

"**I know, you don't need to spell it out for me**," he unstraps the warhead and takes it from the little room, "**But I'm good at stealing. You know that**."

He pulls out his tablet again and taps the screen to command his drones to fly over to the explosive he just procured, "**Who was the one who snatched the info that led us to busting that arms dealing ring?**"

Mandy sighed, _"You, X."_

"**And who stole back the stolen art from those smugglers?**" the thief pushed his tablet's screen.

This prompted each of his drones to lower a small cable with a magnetic disc attached to the end; they quickly latched onto the metal warhead.

_"You did,"_ replied Mandy to Red X's question.

The master thief and assassin tapped his screen once more and this caused the drones to spin their propellers faster and lift the warhead into the air.

He guided the trio of flying orbs into the previous room then out the open door as he asked, "**And who was the one that snuck into LexCorp and took the**-"

Mandy interrupted him, _"I get it, X. You made your point."_

"**Good. Oh and the drones have the warhead. You might want to activate your beacon so they can find your location**," said Red X.

He put away his tablet before picking up the warhead he brought with him and taking it into the holding room.

_"Why didn't you tell me that before? And waste my time arguing with you?"_ Mandy asked in an irritated tone.

Red X placed his warhead on the carrier and strapped it down, "**Just wanted to remind you how badass I am**."

He left the small room and closed the door, prompting the locks to secure it and turn their red lights back on.

"**Anyway, I'll see you in a few minutes, Mandy**," said the master thief and assassin as he stepped over the sleeping KGBeast and his men.

_"Very good. Oh and stop calling me 'Mandy'. It's inappropriate,"_ said the irritated women before she cut her connection with him.

Red X smiled behind his helmet as he walked over to the open door, grabbed the handle on the outside wall, and pulled himself out so he was hanging off by it; he also closed the door to make it appear like nothing ever happened. He saw the train was now speeding along the side of a rocky mountain but instead of being discouraged, he just jumped and plummeted downwards. The thief and assassin fell for about a minute before reaching down and pushing his belt buckle which caused the X on it to glow before he disappeared into thin air.

**-(Two hours later)-**

The train was once more being targeted but the intruder this time was the wild and crazy Harley Quinn, the Joker's ex-girlfriend and up-and-coming supervillainess. She heard about the warhead being transported and decided it would be a perfect score for her and help her get noticed by the Legion of Doom; it was her dream to become a big name in villainy and show up Joker. Her new pursuit was starting out slow though this did not discourage her and only made her want it more.

Right now, Harley was proving to be quite the spitfire since she took out everyone on the train before taking down KGBeast by uppercutting her baseball bat into his testicles. The blonde soon entered the room where the warhead, or rather fake warhead, was being held and noticed she needed a key; she found it on KGBeast's person. She tried using it on the lock to the left but it did not work and she realized she needed a key for the lock on the right, which she found on KGBeast as well.

For the next few minutes, she tried to unlock both locks on either side of the door though it was proving to be quite difficult. Her latest attempt had her horizontally stretched across the door and using her hands and feet to work the keys; she looked like a steering wheel locking bar. She managed to turn the keys and get a chime from the locks before a buzz directed her attention to the third lock above the door.

"Oh God! Are you shittin' me?" Harley yelled in annoyance.

Before she could think up an idea on how to deal with the third lock, her attention was drawn to a door behind her that buzzed and exploded off its hinges. Who should walk in through the smoke and laughing manically was the last person she ever wanted to see right now – Joker.

"Joker!" Harley exclaimed before she fell to the floor but quickly got back up, "This is _my_ score."

Joker walks into the room with a smug smile on his face, "Well it was."

He snapped his fingers and the three henchmen he brought with him came in and grabbed the third key from the still-unconscious KGBeast then moved Harley out of the way so they could work. They made a human pyramid as to reach all three locks, unlocked the security door, and retrieved the 'warhead' for their psychotic boss.

The Clown Prince of Crime soon had his prize handed to him, "But it's mine now."

"The only reason you're getting this and I'm not is because you got a bunch of goons that do whatever you say," argued his former sidekick.

"That's not true!" he growled before his smugness returned, "Goons, throw-"

He was interrupted by a loud click from within the 'warhead'.

"Harley . . . " his prize clicked two more times, " . . . Out?"

Everyone in the room eyed the explosive as it kept clicking then suddenly, an angled nozzle popped out of the tip.

Joker looked at it in confusion, "What the hell is-?"

He could not finish his sentence due to the nozzle starting to spray some kind of clear liquid while constantly rotating in random directions. Gotham City's most dangerous criminal shouted in fright as he held the 'warhead' up and kept his head down to avoid getting hit by whatever was being sprayed. Unfortunately, Harley and Joker's henchmen were now in the line of fire and moved to keep from getting hit with Harley being a lot smarter and dove onto the floor, covering her head for protection. Some of the liquid soon landed near her head and she yelped in surprise; she did, however, notice a strange yet familiar smell coming off of it.

One of Joker's goons got hit in the face by the liquid then howled in pain, covered his eyes, and fell to the floor while crying, "My eyes! They're on fire!"

Harley heard that and started wondering what this mysterious liquid was so curiosity got the better of her and she sniffed the puddle near her. The blond immediately started coughing as her eyes teared up a bit but she now knew what this stuff was.

"What the fuck? Pepper spray?" she coughed.

No sooner did she say that did another one of Joker's minions get hit in the face by the now-identified pepper spray and was now crying in pain and rolling on the floor.

It was not long before the last member of the goon trio was sprayed in the face and cried out, "I can't see! I can't see!"

He soon staggered into the previous room but tripped over the unconscious KGBeast and stumbled out of the open door, falling off the train and into the snowy valley below with a scream.

The nozzle sprayed a few more times before its reserves were emptied and it stopped spinning around. Joker noticed the sudden silence and looked to see the room covered in wet spots from the pepper spray, two of his minions whimpering in pain with the third one missing, and Harley still lying on the floor.

He brought the 'warhead' down to eye level, "What kind of warhead is this?"

A sudden ticking sound started coming from the 'warhead' and learning from before, Joker tossed it onto the floor. The ticking grew faster and faster until, without any sort of warning, the false explosive opened up as it let out the honk of a party horn and a blast of confetti; this scared Joker onto his butt. He soon got over the shock to see that from within the 'warhead' came a jack-in-the-box in the form of a chibi Red X with happy eyes and giving the deuces. It was bouncing on a spring while 'Pop Goes the Weasel' on xylophone plays.

Joker could not believe what he was seeing, "Who the hell did this?"

As if to answer him, the 'warhead' shot out a laminated card that landed face-up in front of the Clown Prince of Crime as the music stopped playing.

He read the card aloud, "'This prank brought to you by Red X. Have a nice day'."

A nanosecond passed when the clown grew very angry and stood back up, "What the fuck?! Red X?!"

Harley heard the name too, "Red X?"

She was ignored as Joker started ranting and pacing, "Red X?! That prick is back? And he dares to prank me? Me?! I am the JOKER! I'm the one who pranks! I am the master of ha-ha! I do funny! Me! . . . "

Harley was ignoring him as she crawled towards the card, picked it up, and sat on her knees while looking at the name on the front.

"Red X . . . " she said.

Her mind soon became flooded with memories she forgot years ago and they consisted of moments between Red X and her when she was still working at Arkham Asylum as Dr. Harleen Quinzel. She remembered finding him standing in her office one day, the two of them talking, and her taking off his helmet to finally see his real face. There were also memories of them having lunch together out in public, passionately making out on her couch in her office, and naked as they had sex on the same couch.

The entire recollection brought a smile and blush to Harley's face as she held the card to her chest, "Oh Red . . . "

She looked at the still-ranting Joker before getting up and going to put her socks and shoes back on.

"That little shit! I'll find him! I'll find him and string him up by his intestines! And parade him through Gotham!" growled the Clown Prince of Crime then he glared at the jack-in-the-box Red X and pulled out his gun, "I'll KILL HIM! No one makes a fool out of the JOKER!"

He shoots the little Red X until it was barely recognizable; he turns his attention to Harley who was getting her second shoe back on.

Joker points his gun at her, "YOU!"

His ex-girlfriend just glares back at him as she ties her laces, "Yeah what, dipshit?"

He walks over to her but kept his gun pointed at her, "You knew! You knew, didn't you?"

"Knew what?" Harley grabs her bat.

"Don't play fucking cute with me, bitch! You knew the warhead was a fake! You're working with Red X, aren't you? Aren't you?! Don't fucking deny it!"

"Hey asshole, I haven't seen Red X in three fucking years! The last time I saw him was before I took my chemical bath."

Joker snarled, "Bullshit! You're fucking him, aren't you? You cocksucking slut."

She kept a straight face, "Believe me, I wish I was."

He pointed his gun straight at her face, "Where is he? Fucking talk."

"Even if I knew, I wouldn't tell you shit."

Harley suddenly performed a quick roundhouse kick and knocked the gun out of Joker's hand, which he immediately held in pain as she walked past him and to the door to the other room.

She looked back at her ex, "Later, dickhead. Oh and one more thing. Red X's dick . . . MUCH bigger than yours!"

Harley flipped him the deuces before running over to the side door and backflipping out; by the time Joker ran over, he could only watch her fall backwards and flip him off some more as he fumed in anger.

**-(The next morning at Poison Ivy's loft apartment)-**

Pamela Isley, aka Poison Ivy, was sitting in her kitchen and had poured herself a nice mug of hot coffee; she was about to drink it when Harley entered the apartment, covered in dirt and her hair messed up with leaves and a twig in it.

The lady clown sighs and says with a straight face, "I need to find someone."

"No, you need a shower," said Ivy then she took a sip of her coffee.

Harley walked over to her best friend and roommate, "Ugh fine."

She reached into her cleavage and pulled out the card then tossed it onto the table where it landed facedown in front of the redhead.

"Hold that for me, will ya?"

The eco-terrorist picked up the card, "What's this?"

"The person I need to find," the blonde made her way to the bathroom to get cleaned up.

Ivy started drinking again as she flipped the card over but when she read the name 'Red X', she spat out her coffee in surprise and coughed a little.

"Red X?!" she cried out.

Frank, Ivy's mutated Venus flytrap, popped his head out from one of flowerbeds in the apartment.

"Red X? Where? Where's he at?" he asked looking around for Red X.

The eco-terrorist called to Harley, "Red X? _This_ is the person you want to look for?"

"That's right," her roommate called back before entering the bathroom.

Ivy looked at the card again and stared at the name in disbelief, "Red X . . . holy shit."

**-(Ten minutes later)-**

Ivy was sitting on the living room couch while drinking her coffee and looking at the card as Harley came in with her wet hair wrapped in a towel and wearing her red bathrobe.

"Red X . . . wow. I haven't heard that name in years," the redhead thought aloud.

"I know, right?" Harley sat down next to her best friend and roommate.

Ivy held up the card, "Where did you get this?"

"It came from the warhead."

The redhead immediately became confused, "Okay, you're going to have to explain."

"Okay," Harley took a breath then started telling the story, "I was about to nab the warhead when Joker and his goons came in and stole it. They were about to throw me off the train when a nozzle popped out of it and started spraying pepper spray all over the place-"

"From the train?" asked Ivy, trying to follow the story.

"No, no. The warhead," said Harley.

"Right, gotcha. Please continue."

"Anyways, the nozzle started shooting pepper spray everywhere. Got Joker's goons in the eyes too. Then a jack-in-the-box in the shape of X popped out and scared the shit out of Joker. Kinda funny actually. Really wish I captured it on my phone. The look on his face was priceless."

Harley laughed as Ivy chuckled too, "Nice."

Joker's former sidekick calmed down then continued, "So after the pop-up scare, the card shot out. Joker got super pissed off after realizing he'd been pranked and started ranting but I didn't bother to listen to him. I snatched up the card and left but not before telling that clown the truth."

"What truth?"

Harley smirked, "That Red X had a bigger dick than him."

"Ha!" grinned Ivy.

Her blonde roommate put her hands behind her head and smiled smugly.

Ivy looked at the card, "So now you want to find Red X. Why after all this time?"

Harley took the card back, "Because this card is a sign."

"A sign of what?"

Her friend gained a solemn look, "That it's time to correct one of the biggest mistakes of my life."

"And that would be . . .?" Ivy took a sip of her coffee.

Harley sighed, "Choosing Joker over Red X."

All her plant-loving best friend could say was "Oh."

"Yeah, I never told anyone this but . . . I kinda had a fling with Red X while I was still seeing Joker. Back when I was still workin' at Arkham."

"'Kinda'? How do you 'kinda' have a fling with someone?"

"Ugh, okay, okay. It was a fling, a legit fling."

Her redhead roommate smirked, "Well look at you. Cheating on the Joker. How come you didn't tell me?"

"Well, obviously, I didn't tell anyone. The last thing I wanted back then was for Joker to find out I was sleeping with someone else," responded the pale-skinned beauty.

Ivy scooted closer, "So . . . how did you two meet?"

The blonde sighed, "Well, I might as well tell ya. I had just finished a 'session' with Joker when I walked into my office and saw Red X there, leaning against my desk. Of course I freaked because I had no idea why he was there. But he did tell me he wasn't there to steal something or kill me so I chilled the fuck out. After that, we started talking and got to know each other over the next few days. Then next thing I knew . . . one day, we ended up having sex. A lot. Every day. For almost a week."

"Damn," Ivy smirked.

"Well I couldn't help it. X was just kickass in the sack. I mean the guy knew how to hit all the best spots," smiled Harley as she grew rather hot remembering all the times she and Red X did it in her office.

Her best friend chuckled, "Tell me about it. That guy was a sex god."

She took a sip of her coffee but stopped once she realized what she just said.

Harley immediately put two and two together, "Ive, you and Red X?"

Ivy smiled sheepishly, "Well we might have bumped into each other. A few times."

"A few times?! Hahaha!" laughed Frank, "More like a hundred times! And that's only from the times when they brought their asses back here. Yeah, that's right. I heard you two. I'm surprised your muthafuckin' bed isn't broken from all that shit."

A blush appeared on Ivy's face then looked away only to find Harley's face inches from hers and mildly glaring.

"Okay, your turn to share. Now," demanded the blonde.

The redhead sighed in defeat, "Okay, okay. "

She scooted away a bit before speaking, "Red X and I were involved years ago."

"Holy shit. Seriously?" asked a surprised Harley.

"Yeah. We met one night at the Gotham Museum. I was there to steal some rare plant seeds that were being studied there and, of course, I couldn't resist. After I grabbed them . . . I might have accidentally set off the alarm. Turns out they were on one of those fucking weight sensitive pads or whatever. Anyway, the police showed up before I could escape so I hid to think up an escape plan. Little did I know, I was sharing my spot with Red X."

"Uh huh, uh huh. Go on," Harley was enthralled in the story.

"Turned out he was there to steal an artifact that was stolen in the first place and return it to its rightful owner. But I guess he did not count on anyone else trying to steal something at the same time he was. Anyway, the police came in and were closing in then Red created a smokescreen for us and we slipped out of there and made our escape."

"Okay. So then you ended in bed together?"

"Oh no, not yet. After that escape, we started talking and got to know each other a little. Then we decided that it would be nice . . . to see each other again. So we did, hung out a few times and all that. We even started doing some heists together. He'd help me with mine and I'd help him with his whenever he was in town. Then after a month, we ended up in bed together. And many more times after that," said the redhead whose face was now blushing from the memories.

"Wow. You two must have been quite the power couple."

"Actually . . . we were more like friends with benefits."

"Wait, just friends with benefits? Why?" asked her pale-skinned friend.

"Because I'm a wanted eco-terrorist and he traveled a lot. It would have been almost impossible to be a real couple," said the redheaded beauty in a solemn tone.

Harley immediately picked up on that, " . . . But you wanted to be, didn't you?"

The only answer she got in return was Ivy sighing and nodding her head before sipping her coffee.

"Damn Ivy," the blonde said sympathetically.

"Thanks," said Ivy, "And since I'm being honest here, there's something I should tell you."

She put her mug down on the table when Harley asked, "What is it?"

The redhead took a deep breath before speaking, "I know why Red was in your office all those years ago."

"You do? Well, tell me."

"Okay," said Ivy, "It was because . . . I sent him to you."

The revelation actually caused the gymnastic blonde to jump to her feet, "What?!"

Her redhead bestie followed suit and held her hands up, "Before you go all Harley and shit, I did it because I care about you. I have been constantly telling you that you could do so much better than Joker. Even back then. And I was right, wasn't I? I mean you have legit feelings for Red X and want to see him again after all these years. And he really liked you too. He told me so himself."

Harley calmed down a little, "He did?"

Ivy smiled as she lowered her hands, "Yeah. He may have been doing it as a favor to me at first but then he told he fell for you. He said you were beautiful, funny, crazy, and smart. Exactly what I see when I look at you."

"He really said all that?" asked the blonde.

Her green-skinned roommate used her finger to trace an 'X' over her heart, "I swear it on my life."

Finally believing Ivy, Harley sat back down on the couch as a blush appeared on her face, "Wow. Can't believe he said that about me."

Gotham City's most infamous eco-terrorist sat down next to her, "It's all true, Harls. Every last word."

Soon Harley's mood went from happy to depressed, "Ugh, great. Now I feel even worse about this. If he really felt that way about me then that means I'm the reason he left Gotham. And you."

Ivy put a hand on her friend's shoulder, "Don't put all the blame on yourself. I pretty much deserve some of it. I mean if I had took that one big step, he might have had a reason to stay."

Harley was still depressed, "But it's still my fault. All because I chose Joker. I hurt him, Ive. I hurt him bad."

She looked at the card in her hand, "Including you, he was one of the few people who actually gave a shit about me. But still I chose Joker. And worst of all . . . I forgot all about him, like he never existed. I only started remembering him now just because I heard his name and saw this card. Now all I feel is . . . regret. For not choosing him . . . For not making the right choice . . ."

Ivy put her own two cents in, "Join the club. To this day, I still regret never telling him how I felt about him. How I really felt about him."

The two friends let out a collective sigh before Harley spoke, "Well . . . that settles it."

"Settles what?" asked the green-skinned beauty.

Harley smiles in determination as she holds up the laminated card, "This card really is a sign. To both of us. "

She stands up, "A sign of a second chance. A sign to make things right."

Suddenly, she rips the towel off her head despite her hair still being damp, "And we ain't gonna do that just by sittin' here on our asses. We're going out there and gettin' our man back!"

"Hold up. 'Our man'? What do you mean-?" Ivy asked but was interrupted.

"What? You think I'm gonna stop likin' him just because you like him too? Fuck that. We're sharing the dude. Besides with both of us sleeping with him, we might actually tire him out."

The redhead blushed a bit though she did have to agree with her roommate since she still remembered how Red X was a stamina beast and their times together often ran for hours. There was one time when her legs were so numb that she had to be carried by him for almost a whole day.

She smiled as she stood up, "Alright. Let's find 'our man'."

"Hell yeah!" cheered the blonde.

"So where do we start looking?" asked Ivy.

Harley replied in a happy tone, "No fuckin' idea."

This immediately brought down their excitement as the pair started thinking up ideas on where Red X might be.

"Did he have a place here in Gotham?" asked the blonde.

Her redhead roommate answered, "Yeah but it's been cleaned out. First place I checked after he left without a word."

"Shit. There's gotta be someplace."

Before they could go back to thinking, Frank cleared his throat then said, "I, uh, might know where to find him."

Ivy looked at him but seemed skeptical, "How would _you_ know, Frank?"

"Ya know that little bonsai you gave him that one time?" asked the mutant plant.

"Yeah?" the redhead waited to see where he was going with this.

"Well, I might have asked him to keep an eye on Red X. Watch over him and shit."

"What?!" both ladies screamed.

"Frank! Why didn't you tell me any of this during the past three years?" demanded Ivy as she walked over to him.

"The guy needed some space. Figured it was good for him. Girls aren't the only ones who need space when they are pissed off or brokenhearted. Guys need it too," argued the Venus flytrap.

"Frank," growled the redhead.

Harley came over and glared at Frank, "Listen here, eggplant. You are gonna tell us where Red X is and tell us now."

The talking plant responded, "Fuck no. The guy's my boy and I don't snitch on my boys. Plus the dude was messed up after you got through with him. He's stable and happy now. No fuckin' way am I screwing things up for him now."

The blonde was five seconds away from ripping Frank from his pot and shoving his head into the garbage disposal.

"Frank! You are going to tell us where he is or else," threatened Ivy.

"Or else what?" argued Frank.

"Or else I'm going to start growing little white petals around your head."

"You wouldn't fuckin' dare," he growled softly.

Ivy snapped her fingers, causing two white daisy petals to pop up behind Frank's head. He raised an eyeball to them then let out a shrill scream.

"Alright! Alright, I'll talk! I'll talk. But please don't tell him I squealed! I love that boy! Dude brought me steak whenever he visited! And they were the good cuts too! Not the shitty generic stuff!" cried the carnivorous plant.

"Just fucking tell us where he is, Frank!" yelled Ivy.

Frank immediately calmed down and grumbled, "Fine. But don't you dare make me regret this shit."

**-(Metropolis, hours later)-**

Night had fallen but the city was shining and people were out enjoying the nightlife; one man, however, was taking a hot and steamy shower inside his penthouse apartment. He soon finished and stepped out before wrapping a towel around his waist and grabbing a second one to dry his hair with. He wandered over to the sink and when he was done drying, he used the towel to wipe away some of the condensation from the mirror.

A face was now staring at him and it belonged to none other than the legendary Naruto Uzumaki, the Hero of the Hidden Leaf Village and the savior of his world. One would most certainly ask how a ninja from one dimension ended up in another that was completely different from his. It is quite the long story –

After Kaguya was sealed away, Sasuke Uchiha, Naruto's former teammate and friend, chose to become the sole authority over the world but this idea did not sit well with the shinobi hero. They soon had an epic battle that ended with Naruto besting Sasuke; the only thing left to do was take the traitor home to have him face his crimes against the Shinobi Nations. The last of the Uchiha clan had other ideas and used his new time-space ninjutsu abilities to create an interdimensional portal, sending Naruto hurtling through time and space.

He ended up landing in this world and since then, he had lived an incredible and exciting life one would have to see to believe. It all started when he was taken in by something called the United States government who brought him in and asked many questions. He answered them as best as he could though was advised to not tell them everything by his 'internal partner' but he did mention being a ninja. This revelation made his interrogators interested and curious and it was not long before they decided to put him through his paces.

They put Naruto through grueling obstacle courses and sparring matches and were shocked by his success. It was then these people came forward with an offer for him to become, what many in this universe would call, a 'superhero' so he could keep begin a ninja and do some good for the world. He was hesitant at first but could not deny liking what they were saying and willing to give him if he accepted their offer; of course, he was free to decline. After a night of thinking, the hero from another dimension told them that he accepted their offer.

The people were ecstatic and soon gave him high-tech gear and a codename that would be known worldwide and feared by many – Red X. Over the next ten years, Naruto went on to do many incredible things under his new persona like taking down criminals and facing off against the worst people he ever met. He even took up the hobby of thievery though he was not a common thief since being one would attract the attention of certain heroic individuals. He made it a practice to only stealing from criminals and supervillains then use what he stole to assist local authorities in busting the bad guys.

There was one more thing worth mentioning – during his time in this new world, Naruto never showed anyone, not even the people he works for, his more impressive skills like his chakra and jutsu. His 'inner voice' advised him not to out of suspicion of those who hired him though this was not really a big deal for him. He found his physical combat skills to be more than enough to complete the missions he took on as Red X. A lot of the people he went after were no real challenge and did not have the abilities he had so using his chakra on them would be a huge waste.

Naruto had changed over the years as well; he was now 27 years old, taller and more mature looking, his body was toned from his training and missions, and his hair was longer; he was quite attractive. One more change was the tattoo on his left shoulder blade depicting the symbol of the Egyptian goddess Hathor outlined by a circle within a larger circle and with Egyptian writing between the two.

Back to the present day, Naruto continued to look at himself in the mirror as the last water droplets ran down his body.

**'**_**Keep looking at yourself like that and people will think you're vain. And I hear that's the worst type of guy**_**,'** said a deep voice.

The blond was not startled by the sudden voice nor was he surprised when the head of a red-orange fox with red eyes and rabbit-like ears appeared in the mirror; this was Kurama, the Nine-Tailed Fox.

'I'm not vain, I'm looking myself over. Big difference,' he thought, telepathically speaking to his inside partner of ten years.

**'**_**That's what they all say. And do you know what kind of guys say that?**_**'** asked Kurama.

'No but I get the feeling you're going to tell me,' mentally responded Naruto.

**'**_**Douchebags. Douchebags who think they are God's gifts to women. The kind of douchebag who brag about getting laid every night when they get very little pussy. And when they do get some pussy, they barely last a minute**_**.'**

'But I last way longer than a minute.'

**'**_**Exactly! You get laid ALL the time. You last for hours with a woman. You don't need to be a douchebag. Stop being a douchebag!**_**'** roared Kurama.

Naruto was not impressed by the fox's raving, 'Okay. I will get right on that. Immediately.'

**"**_**Good. You're Red X for fuck's sake. Red X is no douche**_**,"** said the nine-tailed beast before his head vanished from the mirror and he went to sleep.

The blond exhaled softly before leaving the bathroom for his bedroom where he sat down on his bed and fell backwards. Right now, all Naruto wanted to do was get some sleep and was about to . . . until something suddenly moved beneath the covers. He leapt onto his feet and looked back in surprise since there should not be anything or anyone in his apartment let alone his bed; he grabbed the top cover and gave it a strong yank. The unmasked Red X was ready for a fight but soon became shocked once more by what he saw – a completely naked Harley Quinn.

She rolled onto her side, gave him a seductive smile and wink, and said, "Long time no see, Na-ru-to. Missed me?"

Naruto dropped the bed cover and stepped back, "What the fuck? Harley?"

All the movement he did loosened the towel around his waist and it slid off, exposing him to the world.

Harley looked down at his exposed manhood and licked her lips in desire, "Looks like Little Naruto grew the last time I saw him."

He picked up the towel and wrapped it around himself again.

"What are you doing here, Harley?" asked the blond male.

She flashed him a grin, "I'm here to see you, of course."

Naruto didn't believe her, "Why? Shouldn't you be smooching with Joker?"

His words confused the former gymnast, "Why would I be?"

"Because last time we saw each other, I remember you being completely nuts for that nutcase."

"Hold on. You don't know?"

He was now curious, "Know what?"

"I dumped Joker," Harley turned onto her back.

The light coming through the large picture windows behind highlighted her body and made her look alluring.

Naruto was taken in by the sight but held onto his senses long enough to ask, "You? Dumped Joker? You?"

"Yeah. Left his fuckin' pale ass 'bout a week ago," she answered.

The male with the whiskered face was not exactly convinced, "I find that hard to believe."

"No, it's true. I finally realized he never loved me and was just using me. I finally understood what everyone was trying to tell me. Once I did, I left the clown . . . and destroyed his hideout to make it official," the pale-skinned beauty grinned.

"Uh huh, so what was it that 'finally' got through to you?" Naruto decided to humor the woman who broke his heart three years ago.

"Ivy. She opened my eyes to the truth about Joker."

The unmasked Red X arched his brows in suspicion, "Oh really? And how exactly did she do that?"

"Let's just say it involved Riddler, a fake killer riddle, and a shit ton of margarita mix," said Ivy's voice.

Naruto immediately looked to see Poison Ivy standing in his bedroom doorway and wearing nothing but a towel.

"Ivy . . . " he stared at her.

To say 'he was surprised to see her' would be an understatement; she made her way over to him and just like with Harley, the light coming in from outside gave her an alluring aura.

She stopped before him and looked up into his eyes, "Hey, Red. Been a while."

"Yeah, it has. You're still as beautiful as I remember," said Naruto.

A blush appeared on Ivy's face as Harley made herself comfortable and watched the two of them with a smile on her face; she almost looked like a kid watching their favorite television show.

"Well you haven't changed much either," Ivy reached up to his hair and ran her hand through it, "But it looks like you've let your hair grow out. Looks good."

She could not resist bringing her hand to feel the muscles of his left arm, "Feels like you've been working out too."

"Maybe a little," Naruto said with a small smile.

Ivy grinned as she kept feeling his body; it had been a long time since she touched him and it was bringing back a lot of good memories. The same was happening to him as his mind was captured within the grips of sexual remembrance every time the gorgeous redhead caressed his skin. Of course they were not the only ones taken in by the moment since Harley was watching them and was starting to get a little 'excited' but let them have their moment.

The fog inside Naruto's mind soon cleared and he spoke, "So . . . what brings you here?"

His words snapped the ladies back to reality with the green-skinned goddess responding, "Well just like Harls, I'm here to see you. And to back her up in convincing you that she has left Joker's disgusting ass."

"So . . . it's true? Harley actually left Joker?"

"Yeah. Dumped him once she finally saw the truth for herself."

Naruto could not help being surprised and all he said next was, "Whoa."

"Yep. And now we're here, in your apartment. Ready to make up for 'lost time'," said Harley, giving him a seductive grin and wink.

When he heard the words 'lost time', the unmasked Red X got a little excited about what she was implying.

Then the blonde on his bed spoke again, "But . . . there's somethin' we gotta do first."

"What's that?" asked Naruto.

She got off the bed, walked over to him, and took hold of his hand then looked up at him with saddened blue eyes, "Fix past mistakes."

Before Naruto could react, Harley spoke again, "I am so sorry, Naruto. For choosing Joker and hurting you. I was such an idiot, fawning over a piece of crap who never loved me then chasin' away and forgettin' the best guy I ever met. I can only imagine what you must think of me. But if you can find it in yourself to forgive me and give a second chance to make the right choice, I promise to give you all the love that should have been yours from the beginning."

The unmasked Red X was completely taken back by her words . . . but he could feel the sincerity in her voice.

He took a breath then said, "I won't lie, Harley, I was really upset with you. So upset that I refused to set foot in Gotham for the past three years. But . . . there were times when all I wanted to do was find you, beat Joker to a bloody pulp, and take you away. Even despite what happened, I still cared about you . . . and I still do. So much that I want to give you that second chance. So yes Harley . . . I will forgive you."

His words caused Harley to tear up a bit but she quickly wiped her eyes, and hugged Naruto's arm, "Thank you."

Ivy was moved by the scene as Naruto smiled lovingly at the blonde with the pigtails.

Then she smirked, "FYI – you talk about beating Joker to a bloody pulp again, you better be ready to spend a whole day in bed."

"I'll try to remember that," he chuckled.

"Also . . . Ivy told me how you said I was crazy, smart, funny, and beautiful. Did you mean all that?" said Harley.

Naruto smiled at her, "I did. And still do."

A blush appeared on Harley's face as she smiled.

His attention was soon captured when Ivy took hold of his other hand and said, "Also, Harley isn't the only who needs to fix some mistakes."

Before Naruto could ask what she was talking about, she continued to speak, "Do you remember how I said we should only be 'friends with benefits'?"

"Yeah. Because you said something about being the most wanted eco-terrorist and how I traveled a lot as Red X," he answered.

"Well to be honest . . . that's not exactly what I wanted."

Naruto was a bit taken back by her words, "It wasn't?"

"No, the truth is . . . I wanted something more. A lot more. But I was scared. Scared of shit happening and our relationship going sideways. I didn't want to lose you so I thought us just being 'friends with benefits' would keep us safe from that. But it just kept me from telling you how I really felt about you. Maybe if I wasn't scared to tell you . . . maybe you wouldn't have left Gotham."

The blond male looked guilty then sighed, "I shouldn't have left like that. I'm sorry."

Ivy gave him a small reassuring smile, "Hey, don't beat yourself up. I didn't exactly give you a real reason to stick around."

She brought his hand up to her lips and gave it a gentle kiss, "But I'm not making that mistake again. This time I'm keeping you around because . . . I love you."

Suddenly, she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him on the lips; he immediately kissed back as he enjoyed the feeling of her soft lips against his once again. Their kiss lasted for about a few seconds then Harley turned his face towards her and smiled at him.

"Don't forget, I love you too," she said before kissing him.

Ivy smiled upon seeing her best friend kiss their man since it showed that the blonde babe was truly moving past Joker and embracing her new future with Naruto.

The kiss soon ended before Harley spoke again, "And because we love you so much, Ive and me agreed to share ya."

"Share me?" he asked.

Ivy smirked, "What? Were you expecting us to compete over you like petty high school girls? Sorry pal, not going to happen. This is the real world and we're adults."

"Plus with both of us fuckin' ya, we'd might be able to tire you out," said Harley with a smirk of her own.

Naruto found her idea intrigued, "Really? You think you two ladies can do that?"

"Fuck yeah," responded the blonde babe.

"What do you say to that, hotshot?" Ivy asked him.

Naruto looked at both of them then spoke, "What do I say? All I can say is . . . challenge accepted."

He soon pulled them in close, "Also . . . I love you ladies too. I don't think I ever stopped despite everything that happened. I'll even admit that there were times when I wondered what you two were doing and how you were. I guess . . . that's how you know you're in love. So if you're willing to give this three-way relationship a shot, I will as well."

What Naruto said was true for he truly missed them both despite being hurt by the blonde with the pigtails for choosing the guy who did not deserve someone as amazing as her. There were times when he thought about forgetting her . . . but could never bring himself to do it and went about his life in the meantime; moping would not have changed anything anyway.

"Now that that's out of the way . . . " Harley grabbed hold of Naruto and Ivy's towels, "I say we make this whole thing official."

With one quick tug, the Joker's ex yanked them off and left the others completely naked. Naruto and Ivy were surprised but quickly got over it and stared at each other's nude forms.

Ivy's eyes soon landed between Naruto's legs and she smiled seductively, "Looks like Little Naruto grew some last time I saw him."

Harley tossed the towels aside and smiled, "I know, right? I'm starting to wonder if I can still handle him."

"Only one way to find out," said Ivy before the ladies threw their arms around Naruto and pulled him over to the bed.

Once there, the two beauties from Gotham pulled their new boyfriend down onto it and turned the three of them into a naked heap for a second before the unmasked Red X held himself up over his ladies. His eyes soon fell upon them; the light from the outside gave them an enticing glow as they posed to show off their bodies.

"Whatcha waiting for, hotshot?" asked Ivy in a seductive tone.

"Yeah, Foxy. We're right here," said Harley in a similar voice.

All Naruto said in response was, "I love my life."

He lowered himself to the girls as they wrapped their arms around him and the apartment was soon filled with the sounds of carnal pleasure and satisfaction.

* * *

**And that's the first chapter of my new story 'Harley Quinn's Red Mark' as well as the first chapter of my first story on .**

**This was a story adopted from Chillman22 and based on his one-shot story 'The Second Chance For Harley Quinn'.**

**I hope you all enjoyed it because I enjoyed writing it. And please, tell me what you all thought about it.**

**Also if you haven't seen the 'Harley Quinn' show, go check it out. It's a wild ride and definitely worth checking out.**

**AN: I took another look at this chapter and decided to do some editing so that the style and tone matches the recent chapters. Don't worry, it's still the same story. I still hope you enjoy it.**


	2. Ch 2 - So You Need a Crew?

**I was surprised at the reception of this story so I'm pleased to say that I'm going to continue it. So here is the second chapter for your reading pleasure.**

**I hope you all enjoy it!**

* * *

Chapter 2: So You Need a Crew?

Morning sunlight seeped into Naruto's bedroom and fell upon the two beauties resting on either side of the California king-size bed. Harley was lying on her back and smiling in satisfaction while Ivy was on her stomach and snuggling into a pillow; a large white bed sheet covered them. The blonde soon stirred before slowly waking up and looking around the room as the events of last night filled her head, turning her smile into a grin.

She rolled onto her right side and spotted her sleeping best friend then slowly crawled over, tapped her softly on the nose, and whispered in a singsong tone, "Ivy, hey Ive, wake up."

The redhead steadily opened her eyes and smiled softly upon seeing Harley, "Hey, Harls. Since you're here, I'm guessing last night wasn't some insanely hot wet dream."

"Nope, it was real," the lady clown turned onto her back and let out a content sigh, "That was the _best_ sex I've had in a long time."

Ivy propped herself up a bit, "Because it was with Naruto or because it was a threesome?"

"Yes," said Harley.

Her response made them both chuckle.

The bleached-skin beauty continued speaking, "But seriously, I haven't felt this satisfied in a long time."

"Ugh, tell me about it. I swear after my first time with Naruto, I was completely ruined for other guys. And believe me, I've tried after he left Gotham," said Ivy.

"I totally know what you mean. Even when I was with Joker, I only felt thirty percent satisfied. Maybe thirty-one."

"Well from now on, you can get the full one hundred."

"Though last night was definitely a solid two hundred," Harley smirked at Ivy, "And Ive, I had no idea you could be so 'enthusiastic'."

The redhead blushed and smiled, "Well it's been three years since I last slept with Naruto. I couldn't help it."

A small laugh escaped the blonde's grinning mouth then she said, "But there's one thing I gotta ask."

"Yeah?"

Harley leans in a little closer, "Can you . . . get up at all? My legs are a little numb."

Ivy wiggles around a bit then says, "Mine are too. Again, it's been three years."

The bedroom door suddenly opened and Naruto poked his head in.

He smiled upon seeing the beauties in his bed, "Oh hey, you're awake. Good morning."

The unmasked Red X walked into the room and revealed to be only wearing a pair of dark gray boxers; he also had a spatula in his hand.

Harley and Ivy could not help checking him out before the former said with a lustful tone, "Yeah, a _very_ good morning."

"I'm making breakfast. Figured you two could use the food after last night," said Naruto.

"What a gentleman," Ivy playful smirked.

"Came in to see if you were awake. Now that you are, how do you want your eggs?" he asked.

"Make mine scrambled. Like my mind," said the pale-skinned lady with a manic grin.

"I'll just take mine over-easy," said the redhead.

"You got it," he winked, "Come on out when you're ready to eat."

Harley internally panicked but kept up a seductive front, "Why don't you bring the food to bed?"

"Huh?"

"Yeah. We can cuddle and snuggle while we eat. Like fuckin' newlyweds on their first morning together."

Ivy quickly figured out what Harley was doing and joined in, "Harley's right. Remember all the times we had breakfast in bed after some hot and steamy sex? And how we 'played with our food'? I say we have some more of that-"

"You guys can't move, can you?" Naruto smirked.

"No, we cannot," she answered.

"It has been three years since we've had your dick" shrugged Harley.

The blond male chuckled, "Okay, okay. Breakfast in bed it is. I'll be right back. Feel free to turn on the T.V."

He exited the room as Ivy found the television remote then she and Harley got comfortable.

* * *

Naruto was at the kitchen stove, cooking eggs for him and his ladies.

He had just put Harley's scrambled eggs on a plate with bacon, two slices of toast, and a side of fruit salad when he heard Kurama's voice, _**'You let HER back in?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!'**_

'And a good morning to you too, Kurama. Sleep well?' Naruto asked mentally.

_**'Don't you fucking play cute with me! You took that blonde bitch back? Have you learned nothing?!'**_

'Calm down, partner,' the unmasked Red X put Ivy's over-easy eggs on a plate with the same fixings.

_**'Don't you dare tell me to calm down! Did you forget she chose the Joker over you three years ago? And now she's claiming everything is different?! You actually believe the shit she's spewing from her mouth?' **_growled the nine-tailed fox.

'Yes. Because I can tell Harley's being sincere. Plus it helps that Ivy vouched for her.'

_**'You should have just let Ivy stay and kicked the other one out! At least Ivy never ditched you for a maniac. I've always liked Ivy, she's perfect for you.'**_

'Now you're sounding like a doting parent or guardian,' Naruto put a couple of fried eggs he made for himself on another fixed plate.

_**'Then you should listen to me! Harley will just hurt you again! She did it once already.'**_

The hero from another dimension turned off the stove before putting the plates of food on a tray with three mugs of hot coffee, 'Kurama, I know you're worried about me. But I'm giving Harley this second chance because I believe she has changed. Plus I still care for her. You know this. So I'm doing this whether you want me to or not.'

He picks up the tray and starts carrying it to the bedroom as Kurama gives a low growl, _**'Fine. But don't come crying to me when she hurts you again.'**_

'Okay, Dad.'

_**'Do. Not. Call me that,'**_ the nine-tailed fox went quiet as Naruto made his way into the room containing his two Gotham ladies.

* * *

"So how did you two find me?" Naruto asked, putting his dirty plate and utensils with the others on top of the nightstand.

He sat between Harley and Ivy on the bed while the trio ate their food and watched the morning news on the wall-mounted television in front of them; now all they had left was their coffee. They also took that time to catch up so Naruto was aware about Harley's new goal of joining the Legion of Doom. He personally did not like the idea of her joining the world's biggest 'pieces of shit' but he was going to be supportive about it.

Ivy sipped some of her drink before answering, "Frank said he had your bonsai keep an eye on you these past three years. So we had him tell us where to find you."

"Wait . . . my little bonsai tree? It's been keeping an eye on me? As in watching me?" he asked nervously.

"That's right," the redhead smirked, "And he had a lot to tell. You've been busy . . . _very_ busy."

Naruto quickly cleared his throat then said, "Okay, gettin' back on track. How did you two get into my apartment? I know for a fact I locked the door."

"Oh. We just asked the doorman to let us in," replied Ivy.

"Yep. He just let us in. Very nice of him," said Harley, sipping her coffee.

The truth is they did ask the doorman to let them in . . . after Ivy used her pollen to hypnotize him into leading them to Naruto's apartment and unlocking the door.

"Okay. But now the million-dollar question - what made you guys want to find me after all this time?"

Harley decided to take this one, "Oh, I found your card."

"My card?"

"Yeah, shot out of that fake warhead you had on the train the other night. I saw it and decided it was time to look for you."

"Hold on, how do you know about my fake warhead?"

She sipped some coffee before answering, "I was there to steal it, thought it was real."

"You stole my warhead?"

"Uh . . . no. Actually Joker swooped in and stole it before I could," she said in a slightly frustrated tone.

"So Joker stole my warhead?"

"Oh no, the prank went off and Joker left it on the train."

Naruto let out a sigh of relief, "Oh good."

"Why's that good?" asked Ivy.

"Because I had a tracker in that warhead. It's supposed to lead my people to the ones who wanted the real one."

"'The real one'?" asked Harley.

He looked at his blonde girlfriend, "Yeah. I snuck onto the train, took the real one, left the fake, and got out of there. Quick and easy."

"Like a cheap date?" Ivy smirked while sipping some coffee.

"Nah, what I did was a lot more fun," replied Naruto.

His words got the redhead to snort into her drink.

A thought soon came to his mind, "You know, Harley, Joker might have done you a favor. If you had stolen my little prank, you would have been laughed at by the entire supervillain community and would probably never get into the Legion of Doom. But since Joker stole it, he's probably getting ten times worse by the Legion."

"As hilarious as that sounds, it still pisses me off that the only reason Joker even stole it from me in the first place is because he had a crew. Like any real supervillain," said a frustrated Harley.

"I don't know about that. I mean I get along fine on my own," smiled Ivy.

Naruto smirked, "I don't know if controlling all of Earth's plants counts as being 'on your own'."

"Oh can it, hotshot," she grumbled before sipping her coffee.

"I love you too, Ivy," he planted a kiss on the side of her head.

His actions caused her to smile and blush a little.

"But if I want to be taken seriously as a supervillain, I need a fuckin' crew," said Harley.

Ivy responded, "Personally I think crews are overrated. You know, it's like, some very successful supervillains work alone."

She directed everyone's attention to the television where breaking news of a superhero-supervillain fight just came on, "I mean look at this guy. Look at Dr. Psycho. Perfect example. Doesn't work with a crew but is still taking on Wonder Woman. Like a champ."

* * *

The diminutive and psychotic telepath known as Dr. Psycho waged an epic battle against the statuesque and heroic Wonder Woman on a street in Gotham City, using his powers to throw cars that she repelled with her shield.

After knocking away a thrown vehicle, the Amazon stood proud as she asked her foe, "Still too scared to fight me with your own hands, Psycho?"

"What a grand idea," grinned Psycho as he used his powers to create two giant hands of mental energy and began strangling Wonder Woman with them.

All she could do was let out some choking sounds that made her nemesis laugh.

"What's that? Do you _really_ want your last words to be . . . " Psycho imitates her before cackling.

His helpless foe let out a war cry and used her bracelets to reflect the mental energy back at him, sending him rocketing backwards into a lamppost.

He fell to the ground then stood up and held his head, "That really hurt, you c**[bleep]**t!"

Wonder Woman looked hurt as the surrounding crowd gasped in shock, a nearby dog stopped peeing, two white doves fell out of the sky, and the world stopped turning; all Dr. Psycho could do was smile and look away nervously.

* * *

"Holy shit," was all Ivy could say after she, Naruto, and Harley just watched Dr. Psycho insult Wonder Woman on live television.

"See! If he had a crew, they would've told him to use the B word instead. And if _I_ had one, I'd use that warhead to blackmail Gotham into naming a highway after me," the lady clown grinned.

"Huh, a highway. All right. Well, you know, that took a weird turn," Ivy slurped some of her coffee.

"But that does sound kickass," said Naruto.

"Okay, see, right there. You just made yourself infinitely better than Joker just by saying that one sentence," Harley snuggled a little closer to him, "Is this what it's like to have a supportive boyfriend? It's nice, very nice."

"Also it might be better to get yourself a crew. I mean you're just starting out so having someone watch your back would not be a bad idea. I mean I sometimes work with a crew and it helps out," said the unmasked Red X.

"You? Work with a crew?" asked his pale-skinned lady, slightly surprised.

"Yeah, sometimes."

"I thought you were purely a solo act," said Ivy.

"Mostly. But on some of my tougher and trickier missions, I go with my team," he explains.

"Huh. Well maybe you can give me some tips. What kind of people do you work with?" asked Harley.

Naruto was about to answer when a large orb of swirling, black smoke suddenly appeared in front of the bed.

The ladies were startled but their boyfriend just set his coffee mug on the nightstand and scooted forward, "There's one of them now."

He was off the bed when the smoke ball morphed into a gorgeous woman wearing a flowing black robe that revealed the middle of her chest and her bare legs and feet. Her hourglass figure, long purple hair, and transparent blue eyes enhanced her natural beauty though her most noticeable feature was the tattoo in the shape of a stylized goat head above her breasts.

The mystery woman soon laid her eyes upon Naruto and smiled seductively.

"Master," she said in an alluring Romanian accent.

He was about to respond but the unknown beauty wrapped her arms around his neck, started passionately kissing him, and pushed him back onto the bed.

Harley and Ivy were surprised then the former glared at this unnamed newcomer, "What the hell, bitch? Get off our boyfriend!"

Her words caught the lady in black's attention and caused her to stop kissing Naruto before replying, "_Your_ boyfriend? He's _my_ master."

"We don't give a fuck if he's your god. Get off him now!" scowled Ivy.

"You _dare_ command me?" the mystery woman held her arms out as purple smoke wrapped around her limbs and took the form of fanged snakes.

Despite their still somewhat numb legs and nudity, the beauties from Gotham City were ready for a fight but Naruto called out, "Stop! Timeout! Everyone calm the fuck down!"

All three ladies seemed to do just that as he looked at the two in his bed, "Harley, Ivy, this is Tala. She's a sorceress and works with me."

He looks at the woman straddling him, "Tala, this is Harley and Ivy. I told you about them. Remember?"

The smoke serpents disappear from Tala's arms as she spoke, "Oh yes, I remember now. The woman who commands plants and the lover to the psychopathic clown."

"_Ex_-lover. I left that asshole," corrected Harley.

"And you have now found her way into my master's bed. You'll forgive me if I'm not the least bit suspicious of your motives," said Tala, narrowing her eyes at the pale-skinned blonde.

Ivy spoke up, "Okay, I gotta ask this. What's with the 'master' shit? You two have some kind of kinky roleplaying thing going on?"

"It's a long story," said Naruto then he looked up at the beautiful sorceress, "Anyway Tala, what brings you here this time?"

A seductive smirk appeared on her face, "Oh Master, must I really need a reason to come see you?"

She leans down to him so their noses were barely touching, "Maybe I just wanted to come and be with you. Have a little 'fun' as well."

One of her hands moves to his crotch and caused Harley's rage to steadily rise to the point where she wanted to break her mug over the newcomer's head; Ivy had the same urge but was doing her best to resist that temptation.

Tala sat back up. "But I'm afraid I'm here to deliver a message."

"What's the message?" he asked.

"The team followed the tracker to the people who wanted that warhead. Turned out to be some kind of splinter cell of the Russian government."

"Please tell me they were taken down."

"They were," she smiled.

He sighed happily, "Good."

"Yes. And now it's time for you to crack 'her' open."

Naruto nodded then Ivy spoke up, "Excuse me. Who are you going to 'crack' open'?"

"And are you being literal or is that some kind of sex thing we've never heard of?" asked Harley.

The unmasked Red X looked up at the sorceress, "I guess it couldn't hurt if they come and watch."

A pout appeared on Tala's face, "Must they? I like it when it's just you and me. _Este ca timpul nostru special singur_."

Harley leans over to Ivy and whispers, "Yep, definitely a sex thing."

Naruto pats Tala on the hip, "C'mon, let me up. Better get to it."

She hummed in disappointment before getting off of him then her master stood up and made his way out of the bedroom. The sorceress snapped her fingers and the closet door suddenly opened; two large t-shirts flew out and landed on the ladies still in bed.

"Put those on and follow me. That is if you can even walk right now," she said.

* * *

Ivy and Harley could indeed walk despite the slight soreness in their legs as they followed Tala through the apartment; the three of them soon found Naruto in front of his thermostat. They watched him flip over the device to reveal some kind of scanner that he pressed his thumb against before it read his print and gave off a small 'beep'. The wall beside him slid open and he and Tala went inside, as did the ladies from Gotham City since their curiosity was intrigued.

Naruto's villainous lovers were taken back at the high-tech looking room they now found themselves in. There was a large workbench with different equipment and computers on the left side, tools and weapons lining a wall on the right, and a worktable in the middle of the area. Lastly, at the far end was a huge glass case containing a mannequin dressed in the Red X suit.

Harley looked around, "Holy shit. This is sweet."

"Just one of the many perks of being Red X," said Naruto, crouching down beside the worktable.

He reaches underneath and pulls out the warhead he stole the other night then puts it on top of the table.

Harley grins at seeing the explosive device, "You still have it?"

The hope of blackmailing Gotham City into naming a highway after her had returned.

"Yeah but not for long," Naruto walks over to the wall holding the tools and takes down a large bar with a four-pronged claw on one end and a turning wheel on the other.

He takes the claw part and locks the prongs into the small holes on the warhead then gives it a strong twist and opens the explosive device up; he sets the tool down and finishes the job by unscrewing the tip by hand.

"Uh why are you opening it up?" asked Harley.

Naruto takes the cone off to reveal a small handle, "Because of this."

He grabs it and slowly pulls out a large cylindrical vial filled with bright red fluid.

His bleached-skin babe comes over and looks at it as he puts it on the table, "What is that?"

"Xenothium. It's what powers my belt," answered her boyfriend.

"Ah dude! You're still using that stuff?" yells Ivy.

The Joker's former sidekick looks at her, "Whoa Ive, you know what this stuff is?"

"It's some kind of experimental formula the government's been trying to turn into a new source of clean energy for the past decade or so. The only downside is it makes things _explode_!"

Harley quickly backs away from the container, "What?!"

Naruto groans a little, "Ivy, we've been over this. Xenothium doesn't make stuff explode. It only overloads stuff that cannot handle the charge it produces."

The redhead frowned, "How is that _any_ different from what I just said?"

"Because what I said doesn't make Xenothium sound like some kind of liquid dynamite."

"It's still just as dangerous if not worse."

"Finally! Someone agrees with me," said Tala.

Naruto groaned again, "C'mon, Tala. Not this again."

"I've been telling him for two years that he should find a new power source for his belt. _El este atât de încăpățânat_."

The unmasked Red X holds the Xenothium out to her, "Tala, we've been over this. Xenothium is the only thing that can power my belt."

She takes it from him and glares at the supposedly dangerous liquid, "It doesn't have to be. If you just let me, I could find something a lot safer than this disgusting concoction."

Ivy smirked and crossed her arms, "I'm starting to like this chick."

Naruto looks at her with raised eyebrows, "Really? You two going to tag team me on this now or something?"

"If it means getting that liquid bomb away from you so it doesn't blow off your crotch, yeah," answered the eco-terrorist.

"Whoa, wait a minute. 'Blow off his crotch'? That stuff will blow off his crotch if it explodes?" Harley asked in a slightly hysterical fashion.

"Oh yeah. One wrong spark or whatever and 'boom'. Bye-bye Little Naruto."

The blonde babe let out a deep gasp.

"Harley, I promise it's safe. I've used this stuff for ten years-" Naruto said but was interrupted.

"Fuck that! You're finding something different. I just got you and Little Naruto back and there's no fuckin' way I'm letting the two of you get blown up. You hear me?" she yelled.

He let out a loud sigh, "Great. Now it's three to one.

"We're just concerned for you, my beloved master," said Tala in a loving tone.

Ivy chimed in, "And it's what you get for having three ladies in your life who give a shit about you."

"Damn straight!" added Harley.

The poor guy was trapped and he saw only one way out.

He sighs in defeat, "Okay, okay. I'll give it some thought. Fair enough?"

"It is a deal," Tala smiled as the other two ladies agreed.

Her master spoke again, "Okay. Now . . . will you please return the Xenothium to headquarters?"

"Yes, Master," she gently pecked him on the lips, "See you later."

Naruto smiled a little then the sorceress looked at Harley and Ivy, "Ladies."

She turned into a wisp of black smoke and disappeared with the Xenothium.

The only guy in the room let out another sigh, "Something tells me I'm going to be one of those whipped guys in this relationship."

"Suck it up, hotshot. You're outnumbered," said Ivy.

Harley chimed, "Yeah. And we're gonna make sure you and your dick don't go exploding into tiny bloody bits."

"There's a lovely thought," said Naruto sarcastically.

His redhead girlfriend spoke up, "And one we do not want coming true. So you better seriously consider finding something else to power your precious belt."

"Fine. But only because I love you ladies," he sighed for a third time.

Ivy gave him an approving nod in response.

"Well now that we've handled the crisis of our boyfriend's dick flying off his body, I'm still in need of a crew," said Harley.

"Oh right. What are you gonna to do about that?" asked Naruto.

"Simple. Go to U.T.I."

"U.T.I? What's that?"

Ivy answered, "Underworld Talent Incorporated. It's a henchman talent agency for villains."

This surprised him, "There are agencies for henchmen?"

"Seriously? You didn't know?" smirked Harley.

He shrugged, "I don't go to agencies for crew members and such things. I get everything from the U.S. government."

"Anyway, I'll just make an appointment and see if they can fix me up with some henchmen. But I better clean myself up first," the blonde with the bleached skin looks at Naruto, "You mind if I use your shower, Foxy?"

He placed the claw tool back on the wall, "No, help yourself."

"Ive, wanna jump in with me?"

"Yeah sure," said Ivy.

The ladies started leaving the room when she called back to Naruto with a smirk, "You coming, hotshot?"

He looked at her and smirked, "Of course."

The thief and assassin soon followed his two beauties from Gotham City into the shower for a little 'clean' fun.

**-(Two hours later at Underworld Talent Inc.)-**

Harley was sitting on the white couch in the lobby, waiting for her appointment with the two henchmen talent agents who ran the place to begin. After taking a hot and steamy shower with Ivy and Naruto, she made her reservation and found out their next opening was in two hours. The blonde was ecstatic and used the free time for some 'wholesome fun' with her new boyfriend and the redhead she shared him with.

Still waiting, Harley sighed in boredom then played with her hair before she heard someone coming in from the back room; it turned out to be Dr. Psycho with the talent agents, Dick and Terry.

"So you're _certain_ this whole c**[bleep]**t thing is gonna blow over, right?" asked the diminutive supervillain.

"Oh yeah," said the tanned Dick.

The bespectacled Terry spoke next, "Sure, yeah. A few talk show appearances . . . "

"Cry about how you love your wife."

Terry laughed as he and his business partner walked their client to the door while ignoring Harley, "It's exactly what we had Mr. Freeze do when he exposed himself at the Gotham water park."

The agent with the ponytail and glasses opened the door for Psycho who said, "_You_ guys fixed that? Wow, you're good. And by good, I mean bad."

His flattery got the pair to laugh loudly though it was one of those 'suck-up' laughs used to make bosses happy; even Harley could tell they were faking.

The foul-mouthed telepath left when Dick and Terry finally noticed their next client with the latter greeting her, "Ms. Quinn, we've been expecting you."

"Thank you," she said politely and stood up.

"Let's get you henched up," said Terry.

Harley smiled at the idea of getting her own crew.

* * *

The talent agents took Harley into the back room, closed the windows, darkened the lights, and started showing her some available henchmen via Terry using a laptop wirelessly connected to a large wall-mounted screen.

Right now, they were showing Harley the mugshot and profile of a muscular adult male as the bespectacled agent spoke, "That's Cronk, he's muscle. If you don't mind crazy roid rage, he's your man."

He chuckled before switching out Cronk for an older-looking scientist character, "The Professor, he's brainy."

"So smart," added Dick.

"Not brainy with names though, huh?" Harley said with a smirk.

The pair did their 'suck-up' laugh with the tanned male exclaiming, "Oh my God, so right."

"Beautiful," said Terry then he showed the on-screen profile of a male with a punk rocker theme, "Meet Blaze. Explosives."

"Boom," emphasized Dick.

"Lotta buzz on him."

"Buzz buzz."

"Lotta chatter."

"Chat chat chat chat."

"Lotta heat."

"Yes, and if you don't take him today, he'll have seven offers tomorrow. Goodbye," said Dick, pushing for Blaze's possible new employment.

"Hell, I'll take 'em all. I'll _crush_ Joker with this team behind me," Harley could not resist grinning in determination.

The henchmen talent agents were surprised to hear her say that then Terry spoke, "I'm sorry. I thought you were his girlfriend."

"No, I dumped that bum weeks ago," she said proudly.

"You didn't go back to him?"

"Yeah, like you always do?" his partner asked.

Harley chuckled as if they told her a legit joke, "Fuck no. I'm on my own now."

She stood up and smiled, "So when can these guys start?"

The business partners looked at each other then opened the windows, turned on the lights, deactivated the screen, and closed the laptop as Terry said, "I'm sorry, these men are currently unavailable."

"For how long?" asked Harley.

Terry responds, "For . . . "

"Ever?" Dick finishes.

"Yeah."

"Yeah, forever."

It was at that moment she finally understood what was going on, "Fine. I don't need ya, I don't need any of ya. I'll put together my own crew. One that is excited to work with a _real_ up-and-comer."

She stomped out of the room as the glasses-wearing agent called out, "If you ever get back with Joker, our doors are always op-"

"Fuck you!" screamed Harley then she slammed the doors behind her.

**-(One hour later at Noonan's bar)-**

Harley opened the doors and looked around at the myriad of tough and mean-looking goons and thugs hanging out and having a good time. If she was going to put together a crew, this was the second best place to go to.

The up-and-coming villainess somersaulted onto the bar counter and turned to the crowd, "Hey! Hey! Hey you! Are you tired of being a lousy sidekick? Abused, shit on, used as a human shield? Then come work for me! You'll get top dollar, great benefits, and I won't ever, knowingly, send ya to your death."

She pointed her baseball bat to the side where evil sorcerer Felix Faust was using his powers to keep a hell portal open and forcing his goons to jump into it.

One goes in and screams in pain before the next guy walks up and asks, "Wait, was she talking about a job where we _don't_ have to jump into hell portals and definitely die?"

Faust scowls and points to the portal, "Oh just shut up and jump."

His minion does what he is told and yells in pain, "I'm definitely dying!"

Harley watched the whole thing in horror before she turned back to the crowd and resumed her pitch, "I promise you it'll be better than that. Join me and we'll be doing million dollar heists in no time. Who's with me?"

She grinned in joy, feeling that her speech won some of these goons over; she waited for them to start joining her.

"Can't," says one guy at the bar, drinking his beer.

"Busy," says another doing the same thing.

A third thug pulls out his cellphone and says, "I got a family emergency," and walks away.

A fourth tough-looking dude stands up from his table and says, "I-I-I-I-I have a thing."

He rushes over to Faust's hell portal, pushes the next guy in line out of the way, and jumps in before screaming in pain.

Harley watched in disbelief as that one guy would kill himself rather than work for her.

She gets off the bar, sits on a stool, and grumbles, "Assholes."

"Nah! No, no, no, no," said a voice to her left.

She looked and there was Dr. Psycho drinking a scotch on the rocks.

"Before you open your female trap, no way in _hell_ am I working for you," he said before taking a swig of his drink.

"Who asked ya?" she bitterly asked the telepath.

The pale-skinned blonde was given a scotch on the rocks as well then asked the bartender, "Can you believe c**[bleep]**t guy's rejecting me?"

She took a drink when the barkeep, looking like a sexy cowboy from a male pin-up calendar, answered in a southern accent, "Well, ma'am, I don't know nothing about that. I'm just a simple farm boy from Oklahoma. I got two parents, three girls, four boys, two lab mixes, both uncut, on a small ranch just outside of Muskogee."

The fact he was explaining all of that to her just seemed a little 'off'.

"What's your problem, weirdo?" asked Harley.

The bartender just gave her a smile, "Why miss . . . I don't have no problem because I am actually . . . "

He suddenly spun around like a hyperactive top as his whole body completely changed then revealed to now be a humanoid, misshapen blob of clay; his spinning also got Harley and Dr. Psycho covered in splashes of goop.

"Jeez," the blonde looked at herself.

"Good fuckin' God," grumbled the telepath, shaking some clay off his hand.

The blob continued to introduce himself and was now speaking in a classical accent, "The name . . . is Clayface. Thespian extraordinaire recently portraying the juicy role of country boy bartending in the big city."

"I thought you were playing the role of 'literal piece of shit'," remarked Psycho.

"Not yet," frowned Clayface before he spun around.

A glob of clay flew into Harley's left pigtail, and she finger-combed it out, "Ugh. It's in my hair."

The shapeshifter stopped spinning to reveal he had changed into the diminutive telepath, "_Now_ I'm a literal piece of shit"

"Okay!" Psycho leapt over the counter and pounced upon the imposter then they got into a fistfight.

Harley grinned and drank her liquor as she watched the other two beat each other up.

"Is it Clayface or Fuckface?!" yelled Psycho as he wailed on Clayface.

Soon after that, Kite Man, the lame villain known for the giant kite on his back, came swooping onto the scene and announced himself, "Hey! Kite Man here!"

He tried to walk in but his kite got snagged on the doorway so he retracted it for a second before entering and jumping onto the closest table.

"Thinking about doing a caper, gang. Not sure what, might steal something, might kidnap somebody. I don't know, uh, depending on the weather. But kite _will_ be involved. Who's in?"

A random guy in the bar calls out, "I'm in!"

Another shouts, "Let's do this!"

Those two along with five others excitedly follow Kite Man out of the bar.

Harley was stunned, "I do not fucking believe this."

**-(Poison Ivy's apartment)-**

"And then they all ran off with that loser Kite Man," Harley ranted aloud as she paced back and forth in the living room.

Ivy was misting her plants but when she heard about what happened at the bar, she looked at her best friend.

"Seriously? They went with _Kite Man_? The guy with the kite on his back?" she asked in disbelief.

"I know, right?" the blonde plopped down onto the couch and groaned, "Ugh. It was humiliating."

"Oh c'mon, you'll get your crew. It'll just take some time," said Ivy, trying to cheer her roommate up.

"There has to be something I'm missing or doing wrong," Harley looks at the redhead, "How do I get people to work for me?"

Before the eco-terrorist could answer, Frank spoke up, "She has no fuckin' idea. Because plants do all this shit for her lazy ass."

"Hey, I said something like that this morning," said a sudden voice.

Everyone looked to find Naruto standing in the doorway and wearing a casual outfit consisting of an open black denim jacket over an orange t-shirt, light-blue jeans, and white tennis shoes.

"Naruto," the ladies cried out happily.

Harley's mood skyrocketed upon seeing him then she somersaulted over the coffee table, ran over, and started cuddling into him.

"He's back! My boy's back!" cheered Frank.

Ivy made her way over to her shared boyfriend, "What brings you here, hotshot?"

He wrapped an arm around the redhead and brought her in close, "What can I say? I missed you girls."

"But that was only three hours ago," she smiled.

"Well I get lonely."

"Naruto! What's up? You're lookin' good. Did you get a haircut?" called the Venus flytrap.

"Frank," the blond male went over to the mutant plant, "Long time no see."

"Yeah, three fuckin' years. I missed ya, " said Frank.

"Speaking of which, Ivy said you had my bonsai watch me during that time. And you used that to tell them where to find me," said Naruto.

The talking plant grew nervous, "In my defense, they made me do it."

"Well I have just one thing to say about that . . . " the unmasked Red X reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out something wrapped in butcher paper.

Frank squealed happily upon seeing the bundle and grew excited as it was unwrapped to reveal a juicy-looking steak.

"You did the right thing, buddy," said Naruto and tossed the meat into the air.

"Oh fuck yeah!" the mutant flytrap laughed before he stretched up, snatched the food out of the air, and swallowed it whole.

This was actually a game the two of them used to play before Naruto left Gotham City.

Frank returned to his original size and sighed contently, "I _really _missed ya, man."

"I missed you too, Frank," smiled the blonde as he petted the mutant flytrap on the head.

One of Ivy's other plants took the paper wrapping from Naruto and placed it in the recycling bin before he went over to the couch.

Ivy returns to spraying her plants, "So really, what brings you to our little corner of the world?"

He sits down as Harley takes a spot next to him and he answers, "Like I said, I missed you guys and I wasn't really doing anything back at my place so I figured I'd spend some time with you two."

Joker's former sidekick was touched by his words, "Awww, that's sweet."

"Funny. I'd figured you'd be doing that Tala chick. Since you're her 'master' and all that," said her best friend.

Naruto looked at the redhead, "Do I detect a little jealousy, my rose?"

Ivy could not resist blushing at hearing his old pet name for her before she answered, "No, fuck whoever you want. You're already being shared between two women. How's one or two more going to make a difference?"

She went back to tending to her plants as her shared boyfriend chuckled then said, "I also came to see how Harley's henchmen recruitment is going."

Said blonde babe let out a loud groan then laid down and plopped her head into his lap.

He looked down at her, "That good?"

"You want the long version or the short version?" asked Harley in a frustrated tone.

"Short."

She took a breath before speaking, "U.T.I. rejected me and the thugs at Noonan's ditched me to work with Kite Man."

"Kite Man? Isn't he the guy with the huge kite on his back?"

"That's him," confirmed Ivy.

"Yep, the one Ivy slept with last week," laughed Frank.

"Frank!" she scowled.

Naruto laughed a little, "You slept with Kite Man?"

"We _did not_ sleep together. I only brought him back here to get the antidote for those kids. I told you about that," said Ivy.

"Oh right," he chuckled as she went back to her plant caretaking.

The blond looked down at the one using his lap as a pillow, "Anyway Harley, you'll get your crew. It'll just take time."

She sighed then asked, "How did you get people for _your_ crew?"

"They were assigned to me. I didn't have to ask or interview anyone."

"Lucky you," she thought for a second as she sat up, "There must be _someone_ who can gimme the inside scoop. Maybe another supervillain."

"Babe, what real supervillain is gonna give away their trade secrets?" asked Ivy, finishing her caretaking.

"Yeah, most of them aren't big into sharing," added Naruto.

An idea soon popped into Harley's head, "Well, maybe not 'give away'."

**-(Later at Gotham Exhibition Center)-**

The lights went dark in a Greek themed auditorium before the figure of a muscular man rose up from the stage; he lifted his arms and the three screens behind him lit up with lightning bolts. Applause came from the attending audience as the screens turned red with the middle one reading 'SO YOU WANNA BE A SUPERVILLAIN'.

A spotlight from above revealed the mystery person to be Maxie Zeus, a supervillain known for adopting the mythology of Greece for his evil deeds . . . and for thinking he's actually the deity he is named after.

He steps forward, "I am Maxie Zeus! And tonight, I '_max_' all your dreams come true!"

Cheers and applause roared from the crowd and among them was an excited Harley sitting in between a bored-looking Ivy and an uninterested Naruto. Honestly, they did not want to be here but they wanted to be supportive of their friend and lover even if it meant listening to a total jackass.

"This guy's such a douche," grumbled the redhead.

"Oh I'm sorry but none of the charming villains with great personalities were holding seminars today," replied the pale-skinned babe in a sarcastic tone.

"This guy's not even a real supervillain, he's just some delusional fuckwit who thinks he's Zeus. He doesn't even shoot lightning bolts or anything," groaned the only guy of the trio.

"Shhh," said his blonde girlfriend before continuing to listen to the villainous speaker.

"Joker. Riddler. Two-Face," Maxie pointed to pictures of each villain on the screen behind him then they turned into a large question mark, "What do they have that you don't?"

"A penis?" Ivy called out in a heckling fashion.

Naruto could not resist joining in, "Grasps on reality?"

"A crew!" answered the speaking supervillain as the word 'crew' appeared on the screen behind him, "A villain goes it alone but a _supervillain_ needs henchmen. When I robbed the 1996 Olympics-"

Another round of cheers and applause came from the audience and made Maxie chuckle, "Oh thank you very much, just lovely. Fun times."

He continued his tale, "My _crew_ helped me steal those medals. And now I literally sleep on a pile of gold!"

Back in the cheering crowd, Harley was listening to his every word.

"Guys, you hear that? Sleeps on gold!" she said excitedly.

"Honestly, with the amount of coke this guy does, I doubt he's sleeping on anything," Ivy chuckled.

On the other side was a bored Naruto pretending to jerk himself off then finish with a raspberry sound before sarcastically saying, "Wow, _one_ act of villainy from over twenty years ago. I can totally see why this guy's such a big fucking deal."

_**"This asshole would not survive five minutes in our world,"**_ growled Kurama from inside his partner's head.

'Tell me about it. This guy actually makes me miss Orochimaru and all the other real bad guys I faced when I was younger,' thought Naruto.

Maxie continued to speak, "So how does one recruit goons?"

The screen behind him changed to a blank presentation slide with the heading 'GOON GUIDE' as he started listing off ideas that appeared as a bulleted list, "Through a henchmen agency. Or from popular villain-"

Harley raising her hand and calling out "oh" repeatedly interrupted him.

He pointed to her, "Yes, the juggalo in the third row."

She stood up so she could be heard, "Mr. Zeus, I tried those things and they didn't work."

"You can't let rejection stop you. Think about the big boys. Darkseid. Luthor. Maxie," he briefly flexed his muscles before turning towards the crowd, "Are we quitters?"

They gave off a collective "No!"

"Neither are you!" Maxie winked at Harley.

She smiled in inspiration then Ivy stood up and said, "Okay, I'm out."

"Right behind ya," Naruto did the same before turning to his blonde lover, "See you back at home."

He pecked her cheek, leapt over his seat, and followed Ivy out of the auditorium.

* * *

Harley opened the door to Maxie Zeus' dressing room and found him sitting on his couch but was surprised to see him propping one of his bare legs on a nearby rolling chair and flexing his toes.

"Oh sorry, sorry. Didn't know you were busy," she closed the door in embarrassment.

"No, no, come in" he said and she did.

"Just letting my legs breath," he kicks the chair over and she sits.

"You were so inspiring. If you don't mind, I just-I got a couple questions," she says.

Maxie takes off his other Greek sandal, "And I've got one big answer."

He claps his hands twice and his stereo starts to play, what many would call, 'in-the-mood' music as the lights around his vanity mirror change their color from white to a dark pink. While this was going on, the man with the god delusion lies on his side, reaches for the rope connected to the curtains above him, gives it a yank to reveal a painting of his naked upper body, and poses seductively.

Harley's attention was drawn to the piece of 'interesting' art, "Wow. It's like one of those paintings, you know, where the eyes follow ya except, no, it's just your greased up nipples."

"Just between us . . . I painted it. Shhh," he said as he sat up.

"Weird. So hey, I was wondering if you'd just give me some pointers."

"Well I can certainly give you one," he opened his legs to reveal that he was going commando under his toga.

Harley was disgusted, "Ah, got it. So you're just a creepy dick. I'm not fuckin' you."

She got up and made her way to the door as Maxie scowled, clapped his hands which made his room return to normal, and stood up, "Oh? Really? You were _laughed_ out of U.T.I."

The former sidekick was out of the room when she heard that and stopped in her tracks, remembering how those assholes rejected her.

She turned back to the face the pretentious dick as he said, "Yeah! Word gets around! You'll _never_ get a crew! Because no bad guy will ever work for a woman! My two cents."

He smirks, sits back down, and flashes her as if to mock her.

"Then here's mine. See an urologist 'cause 'creepy dick' wasn't just an insult, it was a concern," said Harley.

Maxie looked down at his penis, wondering if she was right.

She kept speaking, "And if no bad guy will work for me then maybe I don't need a bad 'guy'."

**-(Back at Ivy's apartment)-**

"Harley, I told you this, I work alone," said Ivy.

Naruto snorted while Frank retorted, "Alone-ish."

"Don't you two start with me right now," the redhead went back to reading an article in a gardening magazine while she leaned against her boyfriend who was watching television with the mutant plant.

"Come on, Ive. With your ability to control all plant life on Earth and my gymnastics, I mean, there's nothing we can't do if we team up," Harley pleaded her case.

Her best friend replied, "I said no. I mean I got a brand. You know? It's like, adding gymnastics to it, it's a very muddled message."

"Tell her the real reason, you lying motherfucker," said Frank.

Ivy sighs, "Oh God, here we go."

She places a hand on Harley's shoulder, "Alright, so look, there's a glass ceiling for female supervillains, okay? Like, sure, we're tolerated but as long as we don't get too powerful."

"I'm sorry, my rose but please tell me you aren't being serious about that crap," said Naruto, listening in.

The blonde with the pigtails spoke, "I'm with Naruto, Ive. Aren't you being a little dramatic?"

"Guess their naïve asses haven't heard of the Queen of Fables," said Frank.

The unmasked Red X facepalmed, "Oh God, _her_."

"Hold on, who's the Queen of Fables?" asked Harley.

Naruto sighed as he muted the television, "You better let Ivy tell you."

"Yeah. Go on Ivy. Tell the story. I'll set the mood," said the mutant plant before he dimmed the lights.

"Alright, alright. Thanks, Frank," Ivy went on to tell the tale as everyone listened, "So, a long time ago, way back in the 80s. There was this powerful sorceress, right? She was known as the Queen of Fables. Fed up with being a footnote to the male supervillains, she decided to turn Gotham into an evil force by using sorcery to pull characters from the pages of storybooks. Until she had a whole army at her command."

"What happened to her?" asked Harley.

"Ask her yourself," her best friend pulled out and handed her a purple-colored business card.

Before the blonde could take it, Naruto snatched it away and stood up, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. You aren't seriously gonna send Harley to that nutjob, are you?"

Ivy answers, "Naruto, she needs to know the disadvantages she's at and the hurdles she'll face as a female supervillain."

"Ivy, I'm sorry but this gender inequality bullshit is, well, bullshit. And it's not the reason why Harley cannot get a crew."

Harley joins in on the conversation, "But it's the only thing that makes sense. Even Maxie Zeus said that bad guys would never work for a woman after he tried to fuck me."

"Gonna ignore that last part for now. But first of all, just because that greased-up asshole said it, doesn't make it true. And second, you being a woman has nothing to do with you not getting a crew," said Naruto.

"Well what else could it be?" she asked, crossing her arms.

"It's because you're you."

Harley glared at him, "What the fuck's that supposed to mean?"

He held up his hands in defense, "Sorry, sorry! That came out wrong."

"It better have," frowned Ivy.

First day of their new three-way relationship and Naruto was already in trouble.

The unmasked Red X sighed, "Okay Harley, let them ask you this – have you ever led a crew before?"

"Uh . . . no," she answered.

"Have you done any villainous act or crime that was not connected to Joker?"

"Well no."

"And have you ever done anything that has cemented your name in terms of villainy?"

It was Harley's turn to sigh, " . . . No, I haven't."

"That's what I'm saying, babe. You're inexperienced as a supervillain, an up-and-comer. No one is going to work with you right away because in their eyes, you're just Joker's scorned ex-girlfriend and former sidekick. You want to get a crew? You gotta show them that the old Harley Quinn is dead," Naruto advised.

"All the better for me to go see this Queen of Fables. Maybe she's got some tips," said Harley.

"Harley, trust me. You do not want to get involved with her-"

She held out her hand and glared, "The card."

Her boyfriend sighed in defeat, "Fine. Just promise me one thing."

"What?"

"Don't let her get into your head," he gives her the card and plants a kiss on her forehead.

Harley blushed a little but got over it by the time she looked at the card.

**-(On a business strip street)-**

Harley followed the address on the purple business card until she found herself in front of a building with a matching sign that read,

'Taxes 4 *Free '

'*Not 4 free.'

She went inside to find it was some kind of tax consulting office; she soon heard a woman speaking and followed the voice.

It led her to a room where a guy with folders was sitting in front of a desk as someone was talking to him, "FYI, bailin' out your klepto aunt with the snow globe fetish does not count. Next!"

He stands up and leaves then Harley comes in, "Uh, hey. I'm looking for the Queen of Fables?"

"Just found her sweetie," said the female voice.

Harley looked around but did not see anyone else in the room.

"No. Why you lookin' up there for? Down here. The book. Me," the blonde directed her eyes to the desk where she found a tax code book talking and smoking a cigarette, "I'm stuck in this bullshit. I've got twenty minutes 'till my next appointment. What's up?"

This situation was a bit weird but the former sidekick took it in stride and sat down, "Hey, my name's Harley Quinn. I'm a new supervillain, and I was told I should ask what happened to you."

The Queen of Fables sighs before having a quick coughing fit then says, "Alright. Buckle up, honey. It's story time. So there I was with my crew, a bunch of dumb storybook things, when the heroes showed up. Ugh! It was a horror show. Batman comes and cracks open Humpty Dumpty before turning Pinocchio into firewood, Wonder Woman decapitates my fuckin' dragon, and Superman tears off Jill's head and burns it!"

"No, no, no. There's no way Superman did that," said Harley, knowing the aforementioned hero's goody two-shoes nature.

"I exaggerate to add flavor. So sue me," the trapped supervillainess continued her story, "But the truth is . . . they punished me in a way no one has ever been punished. Instead of throwing me into Arkham like any _male_ villain, they came up with _this_ bullshit."

She taps her cigarette to knock off the ash into her tray, "I mean, a guy robs a bank, he's a criminal mastermind. A woman robs a bank-"

"She's a crazy bitch," finished Harley.

"Exactly! Think about it. A male supervillain can literally look like a deformed penguin but God forbid we outshine them even a little bit and into the fucking tax book we go. Forever."

"Yeah. You can get as big as you want . . . as long as you don't get bigger than them."

"Yeah, you get it. And your ambition won't just hurt you. It'll hurt the people you care most about."

Outside the door, The Gingerbread Man, the Queen of Fables' only surviving storybook character henchman, walks up with a quarter of his head missing, his left leg gone so he was walking with a crutch, and tattoos on his chest and arms.

"Birthday cake for the boss at four," he called into the office of his former boss.

"Thanks, Mark," said Queen of Fables.

"God, I hate this place. But at least I'm not on the street turning tricks for cash anymore," the cookie smiles at that thought before walking away.

Fables sighs, "Who knows. Maybe your story will turn out different. I couldn't get a crew 'cause no one believed in me. So I had to make my own by believing in stupid little things like Mark."

Mark looks into the room upon hearing the insult about him then the trapped villainess said, "No offense, Mark."

The cookie just sighs and hobbles away.

The Queen of Fables went on to speak, "But yeah, honey, you've got a tough road ahead of ya. It's a male supervillain's world out there and we women cannot catch a break. No one respects us and no one wants to work with us."

"That's not what Naruto said," said Harley.

"Who?"

"My boyfriend. He said the reason I can't get a crew is because I'm new on the scene and not because I'm a woman," explained the blonde.

"Oh really? Is _he_ a supervillain?" asked the talking book.

"Well no, not exactly."

She could not exactly tell the trapped sorceress that she was dating the infamous Red X, menace to many criminals and supervillains everywhere.

"Then what the fuck does he know? Trust me. Don't believe any of that shit. There's a glass ceiling for us and it's not going away anytime soon," said the Queen of Fables.

Her words just made Harley give off a small sigh.

**-(Back at Poison Ivy's Apartment)-**

"Queen of Fables, pretty fun, right?" asked Poison Ivy, clad in her pajamas and watching television as her best friend walked into the apartment.

Harley walked over to her then sighed, "You could say that."

She looked around and saw no sign of their shared boyfriend, "Where's Naruto?"

"He headed back to Metropolis. Said something about having to do something important tonight," answered the redhead as she sat up, "Anyway, how was her former majesty?"

The blonde sat down next to her on the couch, "She was pretty bleak. Before I left she was like, 'I have to use the bathroom. There I did it.' Did you send me to her because you think I can't do this?"

"No, Harley. I sent you there because I know you _can_. Look . . . it's like I said earlier, I wanted you to know what you're up against, you know, 'cause I, uh . . . I love ya."

Her best friend in the whole world could not help feeling touched as a smile appeared on her face.

"But don't make a thing of it. Even though we, technically, did have sex together," said the eco-terrorist with a straight face.

She suddenly felt a drop of water hit her shoulder and heard the sound of sniffling; she turned to see it was Frank crying from their emotional talk as tears fell from his eye-buds.

"Anybody feel that shit but me?" he asked, taking a tissue handed to him by one of Ivy's other mutant plants.

He wiped his tears away, "A man can't show emotion!"

Ivy chuckled, "A man?"

"Fuck you, Ivy."

Harley spoke up, "Look, I appreciate your warning but Queen of Fables did make me realize something. If I want a crew, I shouldn't be looking for scumbags who believe in me. I should look for scumbags no one else believes in."

"Right, okay. So, so, so, that was the takeaway from the chain-smoking book and the trick turning cookie?" asked Ivy.

"Yeah!" the blonde grabbed the remote and turned up the volume on the television, "And I know just where to start."

* * *

On the screen was the newest episode of 'Tawny!' and guest starring on it was Dr. Psycho, his wife Giganta, and their emo teenage son Herman.

"Welcome back. We have here Dr. Psycho," said newscaster and television host Tawny Young.

When the villain's name was spoken, the crowd started to boo very loudly; some even flipped him off.

"He says he's here to apologize for using the C word," Tawny informed her audience.

A woman amongst them cried out, "Woman hater!"

Dr. Psycho tried to play it off by laughing at bit, "What? Hate women? I cherish them. No one on God's green Earth respects women like this guy."

His words were not exactly winning over the people as they still booed.

"I know, I know," said the blonde host before directing her attention to the giantess on stage, "Giganta, girl, how are you feelin' about all this?"

Psycho cut into the conversation, "She is devastated that the world is attacking a man she knows is so kind, is so loving-"

"Let's hear it in her own words."

"Those _are_ her own words. I'm a telepath, right? She thinks it, I say it," he smiles at his wife, "Isn't that right, honey? She said 'right'."

More boos come from the studio crowd as Tawny protests, "She did not say 'right'!"

She turns to her audience, "Did y'all hear her say 'right'?"

"She was talking to me!" shouted Giganta as she flipped off her husband who fell of the couch in surprise.

Tawny nodded in agreement as the giant woman kept speaking, "An individual person who exists outside of you!"

Dr. Psycho crawled back into his seat as the blonde host supported his wife, "Go, girl."

"A person who, for years you mind controlled . . . "

The audience cheered for Giganta as the diminutive telepath grumbled, "Don't do this."

" . . . into thinking they loved you!"

"Do not do this!"

"A person who is _leaving_ you!" Giganta soon walked off the stage as their son followed her.

The crowd cheered then Dr. Psycho shouted after her, "Why you get back here, you miserable c**[bleep]**t!"

A collective gasp came from the studio audience, Tawny, a female camera operator, and the cue card handler were frozen in shock, a nearby dog peed in surprise, and the world stopped turning.

* * *

On the television screen, Dr. Psycho let out a groan and hung his head in defeat.

"Holy shit! He just became the_ least_ employable person on Earth," laughed Ivy.

"Exactly," smiled Harley.

**-(Later at Noonan's)-**

"So, you know, I thought, hey, maybe you should join me and my crew," Harley pitched to Dr. Psycho as they sat at the bar while Clayface, still playing the southern bartender, cleaned some glasses.

The telepath chuckled in response, "Join you? I'm in the big leagues, mama. The L.O.D. The Legion of Doom. Hard pass!"

Suddenly, a newsflash appeared on the television suspended from the ceiling; it was a press conference being held by the Legion of Doom. Assembled were Black Manta, Bane, Scarecrow, Cheetah, Gorilla Grodd, and Sinestro with Lex Luthor behind a podium as the speaker.

_"We cannot condone Dr. Psycho's use of the C word, as it does not represent our brand of evil. We hereby banish him from the Legion of Doom, Legion of Doom Europe, and The Junior Doomers of America,"_ he said to the reporters.

The idea of 'hitting rock bottom' crept into Dr. Psycho's mind so he did the only thing he could do now.

The newly casted-out supervillain flashes Harley a smile, "Did I say 'hard pass'? I meant soft accept. I wanna join your crew. Not because I think working for a female will help rehabilitate my ruined image, blah, blah, blah . . . It's for other reasons."

He started to sip his drink as the up-and-coming villainess narrowed her eyes at him as if to say she did not believe his words.

"I don't hate women!" he yelled, slamming his glass onto the counter and splashing some of his liquor onto his lap.

"Kinda seems like you do," retorted Harley.

"Whoo-hoo, the salty language that comes outta your mouth. I'm just glad my Mama Jean ain't allowed to hear it," chuckled Clayface, still using the southern accent.

The blonde with the pigtails chimed in, "Even hot southern bartender character thinks you're a piece of shit. But I believe in you and I think you have a part to play."

Excitement hit the disguised shapeshifter, "Did you say a 'part'? Then you must also require the services of . . . "

He spun around, sending out globs of clay flying as Harley and Dr. Psycho shielded themselves with the latter grumbling, "Fuck, not again."

Clayface returned to his original form, " . . . an actor!"

His offer got the former sidekick excited as she smacked the counter, "You're damn right I do. You, me, and Psycho. This is gonna be the start of something huge."

They grabbed their drinks, clinked them together, and took a sip thus sealing the deal of their new partnership.

"So what's our first evil scheme? Is it a nuke in a volcano?" asked Dr. Psycho.

"Evil scheme?" Clayface thought for half of a second before coming up with something, "Oh, a honey pot heist where I seduce Gotham's mayor with my saucy Sheila character?"

"How do you feel about petty, personal vendettas?" Harley grinned mischievously.

**-(Later at Maxie Zeus' residence)-**

Harley and her new crewmates stared at the marble statue of Maxie Zeus sitting on a Greek throne as his open legs displayed his genitalia.

Dr. Psycho observed the aforementioned sculpted body part, "Uh, I say more unsettling than creepy. Nope, disturbing. That's it! Found it."

The blonde pointed her bat at the statue, "Alright, we're gonna steal this asshole's gold medals and anything else we can get our hands on. Like the saying goes-"

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," chimed in Clayface.

"Oh. I was gonna say 'The prick has it comin'' but yeah, I like your fancy way better."

**"So what's the plan?"** asked a voice that surprised them.

They looked to see Naruto decked out in his Red X gear coming around from behind the statue then he leaned up against it.

"Ah fuck! It's Red X! We're dead! He's gonna kill us and piss on our corpses!" Dr. Psycho cried out in fear, running to the back of Clayface for protection.

"Jesus, Psycho, calm down," said Harley then she grinned and sashayed over to her boyfriend, "Hey Boo."

**"Hey beautiful,"** said Red X.

Once she reached him, a section of his helmet slid open to reveal his mouth and the blonde with the bat immediately started French kissing him passionately. She moaned and put her arms around his neck before jumping up and wrapping her legs around him; he held her up as they made out. Dr. Psycho and Clayface watched the whole scene and could not help feeling both confused and uncomfortable.

Harley finally broke the kiss and looked at Red X with hungry eyes, "Pull down those pants and let me suck your dick."

She hopped down and was about to search for his fly when her telepathic teammate cleared his throat loudly, "Excuse me . . . but what the fuck is going on here?!"

"Oh right, forgot you guys were here," the pale-skinned babe chuckled nervously as her boyfriend's mouth covered itself back up.

She cleared her throat before speaking, "X, meet my new crew, Dr. Psycho and Clayface. Psycho, Clayface, meet my boyfriend, Red X."

**"Hiya doin'?"** Red X gave them a greeting wave.

Clayface returned the gesture, "A pleasure."

"Your boyfriend? You're fucking Red X? When did this happen?" shouted a surprised Dr. Psycho.

"Last night. Me and Poison Ivy had one hell of a threesome with him and decided to both date him," she answered casually.

The telepath facepalmed, "Oh God."

Harley looked back at Red X, "So sweetie, what brings you here? Ive said you had something important to do."

**"I did and I do. It's here,"** he answered.

"Here?"

**"Yeah, I'm after those gold medals just like you guys."**

"Ah shit! He's gonna take the medals then slit our throats! I knew it! We're going to fucking die!" cried Dr. Psycho.

**"I'm not going to fucking kill you! I listened to your conversation and got the sense this is some kind of revenge against Maxie. I want in."**

"You want in? Why?"

"Yes. What could you possibly gain from this venture?" asked Clayface.

Red X narrowed his eyes, **"My reasons . . . are my own."**

This scared Harley's new crewmates but she gasped and smiled, "Oh my God, this is about earlier. You're here to get back at him for tryin' to fuck me."

**"What? No. I'm a master thief and I steal from other supervillains. It's part of my gimmick or whatever,"** he tried to play it off but what he said was an obvious lie.

Harley hugged his left arm, "Awww, my hero."

Under his helmet, a huge blush crept upon Naruto's face.

"Yeah, yeah, this is all sweet and shit but can we please get this show on the road?" grumbled Dr. Psycho.

The blonde with the pigtails reluctantly let go of her boyfriend then said, "Right. Everyone, follow me."

She led the group over to one of the large bushes in front of the main house and they all ducked down behind it for cover.

"Alright, here's the plan – Me, X, and Psycho will go in through the back, find his loot, and clean him out. Clayface, you go knock on the door, pretend to be the mailman, and distract him," explained the crew leader.

"What do we know about this mailman? What are his dreams? His fears? His raison d'etre?" asked the shapeshifter.

While he spoke, Harley went over to the mailbox, grabbed the envelopes from inside, and rejoined the guys.

"Who gives a shit? You're just a mailman," she answered him.

Clayface gave a huge smile, "Brilliant! That's what the world sees. Just a mailman. But we, yes, we know better don't we?"

The other three looked at each other as he began constructing the backstory of his new character, "He was a horribly neglected little boy and he grew up in a cage! The only time he heard rumblings from the outside world was when the mailman came, which is why he spent his whole life dreaming of being one."

"Yeah, no. None of that. You're just a mailman. Deliver the mail," Harley shoves the mail into his hands before she and Red X made their way towards the house.

"Oh! She demands perfection, doesn't she?" Clayface said excitedly as his short-statured companion groaned, "And she'll get it. My mind is awhirl with the delicious new character you'll soon meet."

"I can't even," groaned Dr. Psycho.

He went to join the others while the actor blob spun to change into his new role.

* * *

A hand grabs the lion-shaped doorknocker and gives it a few knocks before the door opens to reveal Maxie Zeus.

"Who dares disturb a living god . . . after nine p.m.?" demanded the false deity.

A mailman holds out some envelopes to him, "Here's your mail . . . Dad."

The postal worker takes off his hat to reveal his face, showing that he looked similar to the supervillain except younger.

This confused the already delusional man, "Dad?"

"Years ago, you met my ma in a piano bar and knew you must have her. Damn what your parents thought. She might have been from the wrong side of the tracks, but she was on the right side of your heart."

Around the corner, Harley, Dr. Psycho, and Red X watched what was happening while making sure to stay out of sight of Maxie Zeus.

"The fuck is he doing?" the former sidekick asked.

**"Don't ask me, he's with you,"** answered her boyfriend.

"I'm done," Dr. Psycho facepalmed at the antics of the disguised Clayface.

"It's really you?" asked the fake god, possibly buying the story.

His equally fake son just smiled as Zeus said, "I . . . I thought I'd lost you forever after Piano Bar Janet said she . . . 'took care of it'."

"Oh, she tried. But it didn't take," responded the 'mailman'.

"Of course it didn't. For you . . . are half god!"

Maxie embraced his 'long lost son' who hugged him back.

* * *

Back with the other three, Harley, Red X, and Dr. Psycho made it to the backdoor.

"So, who do you need me to mind control to open the door?" the telepath asked sinisterly.

"No, no, no one. Just squeeze in the crawl space, get into the house, and open it from the inside," answered the pale-skinned beauty as she opened the little door to the aforementioned area.

Her new crewmate scowled, "Are you shittin' me? I'm a genius telepath, why you wasting me on this? Why not your boyfriend? Isn't that like his specialty?"

**"Don't look at me. She's in charge,"** said Red X.

"Yeah and you're the only thing small enough to fit," she added.

"Got it," the telepath said in defeat before crawling into the small space, "Son of a bitch!"

There were some thuds and bumps before he cried out, "Argh! My eyelashes just touched a dead raccoon!"

"Quit your bitchin' and keep going," Harley called to him.

His only response to that was "God, this is humiliating."

* * *

Maxie Zeus and his 'son' were sitting on the couch together in the former's Greek-themed living room.

"Son, we have much to catch up on," said the false deity.

Clayface replied, "Yes, Father. Or should I call you . . . Dad?"

"Call me Almighty Zeus. God of the sky and thunder, supreme ruler of Olympus and all of Earth below."

"Okey-doke," shrugged the 'mailman'.

* * *

Harley leads Dr. Psycho and Red X into Maxie Zeus' Greek-styled bedroom where there were statues of himself everywhere though the most disturbing feature were the sculptured pillars of his naked lower body surrounding his bed.

"Wow! And_ I'm_ an egomaniac," exclaimed Dr. Psycho as he took in the decor.

"Yeah, this looks about right," said Harley as she led them to the bed.

Red X noted all the sculpted penises and erections everywhere, **"I bet the real Zeus doesn't love his own dick this much. Probably has a smaller ego too."**

"So where the fuck does he keep those stupid medals?" the telepath asked Harley.

"Easy. He said he literally sleeps on a pile of gold," she answered before flipping the mattress off the bed.

They find a metal box within the frame; excitedly, the pale-skinned supervillainess grabs and pulls out the container . . . but grows angry at seeing the huge padlock on the front.

"Are you shittin' me? Again?" she hissed.

Red X holds a hand out to the box, **"Hand it over. This is where I shine."**

Harley was about to give it to him when Psycho chimes in, "What are you doing? Don't give it to him! Does the phrase 'no honor among thieves' mean anything to you? He'll shove a knife through our skulls!"

"Will you give it a rest with that?" she growled at the telepath before giving her boyfriend the metal container, "Open it."

The master thief took it and knelt down on the floor while taking out a device similar to a laser pointer from his belt. He pointed it at the padlock, turned it on, and an actual laser beam started melting through the shackle.

* * *

"And then after getting the Medal of Honor in war, I toured the world playing ping-pong," said the disguised Clayface, keeping the supervillain distracted.

"What a remarkable journey your life has been. And so oddly similar to that of Forrest Gump," said Maxie Zeus, stroking his beard.

When he heard that, the 'mailman' grew a little nervous.

The fake god continued to speak, "It _is _rather strange you don't share your mother's brilliant blue eyes."

His fake son smiled then, with a few blinks, changed his eye color to blue.

Zeus noticed, "My mistake, I guess. Trick of the light."

Clayface sighed in relief.

"Although I don't know how you avoided her family proclivity for . . . hunchback?"

The shapeshifter grew antsy again.

* * *

Back in the bedroom, Red X soon finished melting through the shackle of the padlock then took it off the metal container.

He hands it back to Harley with a wink, **"All yours, beautiful."**

"Thank you, babe," she took it and opened it as a golden light shone from within.

"Ah-ha! The Olympic gold medals," said Dr. Psycho happily.

Harley closed the box, "Okay. Let's get outta here and rendezvous with Clayface."

She started leading them out of the room but Red X spied one of the stone statue erections and an idea came to his head.

**"Go on without me. I'll meet up with you guys later,"** he said.

"What? Why?" asked Harley.

**"Trust me, you'll like it. Go."**

Upon his insistence, she and Psycho left as the master thief took his laser cutter out again.

* * *

Harley and Dr. Psycho snuck their way over to the stairs and were making their way down when the latter caught sight of Clayface, "What the hell?"

Whatever happened between him and Maxie Zeus caused the shapeshifter to make some adjustments to his form, which now included a large hunched back, an overbite, a crooked right leg, and a pegleg for his left.

"Son, you are the spitting image of your mother," said Maxie.

"I'm so glad you think so, Daddy Zeus. But it's so sad she suffered from a lisp," said the 'mailman' in the aforementioned lisp.

"Oh you . . . lying piece of shit!" the fake god yelled as he stood up, "Did you really think I'd fall for this?"

Clayface just gave a nervous smile and shrugged, "Perhaps?"

He was grabbed by his front as Zeus scowled, "Who do you work for, monstrosity?"

He punched the shapeshifter in the face, "Joker?"

From the stairs, Harley saw this and looked ready to jump in, "Oh, no, you didn't!"

Dr. Psycho stopped her, "Wait, wait, wait, don't emasculate him."

Zeus slugged Clayface again, "Riddler?"

The blonde on the stars still looked ready to go but the telepath just said, "No, no, no, he's about to rally. I can feel it."

Maxie knocked the shapeshifter to the ground then performed an elbow drop on him, "The Penguin?"

He picked up his beaten victim then threw him at the wall where his disguise finally fell apart, reverting him back to his original form.

The fake deity wasted no time in picking him up except upside down this time and looked ready to perform a piledriver, "Tell me who you work for, creature, or the next blow will be a killing one."

"He works for me, you oily bitch!" yelled Harley from the stairs.

Maxie dropped Clayface and gave her a smug smirk, "Well, if it isn't the girl I chose not to have sex with."

She just stuck her tongue out at him as he said "Regrettably, you're too late I'm afraid."

The fake god took a marble statue from its pedestal and was ready to use it to squash the clay-based shapeshifter who whimpered, "No!"

Finally having enough, Dr. Psycho gave a small scream and used his telepathic powers to move Clayface out of the way in time for the statue to shatter upon hitting the floor.

"Thanks, Psycho," the actor said, still lisping and giving his savior a thumbs-up.

"Alright, dickhead. Just drop the lisp," responded the telepath.

"I wish I could, but I bit my tongue," said the clay man, showing his bitten tongue.

After giving Psycho the box, Harley somersaulted onto the downstairs banister then flipped and landed in front of Maxie Zeus.

"You said no woman could ever get a crew of bad guys. Well I didn't just get _bad_ guys, I got two of the fuckin' worst," she said with an evil grin.

"You call that a crew? A midget and a mudslide?" the fake god proceeds to laugh.

This just pissed the blonde beauty off then her new crewmates regrouped with her as she said, "I'll give you _one_ chance to tell the world Harley Quinn's crew ain't nothing to fuck with."

"Or what?" smirked Zeus.

His answer came in the form of her snapping her fingers; Dr. Psycho levitated six marble busts and sent half of them flying at the delusional supervillain who dodged them. Two more sandwiched him while the last one started to pound him repeatedly like a hammer onto a nail.

Harley smirked, "Had enough, dickhole?"

Maxie Zeus yelled before getting to his feet and smashing the three levitating statues with his enhanced strength; he had a few cuts on his face, a beaten eye, and a bloody nose.

"Fuckin' hell!" said a surprised Dr. Psycho.

The fake deity chuckled, "Is that all you got? I'm Zeus! King of the gods! What do you have? Huh?"

Harley looked behind him and smirked, "Him."

Maxie felt someone tap his right shoulder then he turned around and came face-to-face with Red X.

**"Hey,"** said the thief in black.

Zeus stepped back in surprise, "Red X? What are you doing here? Are you _working_ with them?"

**"Nah, just doing my lady a favor."**

"Your . . . lady?" the fake god looked back at Harley and soon realized he had fucked up, "Shit."

**"Yep."**

Zeus throws a powerful punch at the master thief who evaded then threw three of his own at the supervillain's face with the last one breaking his foe's nose and sending him to the floor.

Red X looked down at the floored 'deity', **"You know, the last time I remembered . . ."**

He knelt down, grabbed Zeus' broken and bloody nose, and gave it a rough twist, which caused him to scream in pain.

The assassin clad in black let go, **" . . . gods don't bleed."**

He flicked some of the blood off his hand and onto the fake god's face before standing up.

He turned to his girlfriend, **"Harley, you mind if I borrow your crew for a minute?"**

She grinned, "Please, go right ahead."

**"Thank you,"** he turned to Clayface and pointed to Zeus still on the floor and whimpering in pain, **"Clayface, hold him up."**

The shapeshifter stretched his arms, coated the supervillain's entire upper body in clay, and held him up.

"I'll rain thunder down upon your fucking heads!" screamed the so-called King of Olympus as he started squirming.

**"Psycho, keep him still,"** order Red X.

The diminutive telepath send out a beam of mental energy to grab and keep Zeus from moving.

**"Now, onto the good part,"** said the master thief as he walked towards the back of the fake god and lifted the back of his toga to reveal his butt, humming the whole time.

"What do you think you're doing, X?" demanded Maxie.

**"Just relax, you might enjoy this,"** the disguised Naruto pulled out the stone penis from earlier then looked at Harley's crew members, **"Bend him."**

The blonde with the pigtails grinned, "Oh, I like where this is going!"

"Me too!" cackled Dr. Psycho as he and Clayface put Zeus in the requested position.

This finally got the so-called god nervous as he looked back at Red X, "Wh-wh-what are you going to do?"

**"Something I learned down in Mexico called **_**El ano llorando**_**,"** the thief and assassin pulled out a bottle of hot sauce, which had the words 'extra spicy' on the label.

Maxie Zeus grew terrified as Harley laughed, "Yes! This is better than I could ever have imagined!"

Her boyfriend poured hot sauce onto the stone penis as the 'god' panicked, "Whoa, whoa, Red X. Surely we can make a deal. A deal with almighty Zeus can make all your pleasures come true."

**"Hmmmm . . . nah,"** Red X plunged the hot sauce-covered fake erection into the butthole of the supervillain who screamed at the sudden intrusion.

"Oh fuck yes! Give it to him, babe! Give it to him hard!" cheered Harley as her crewmates were doing their best to keep Maxie in place while trying to hold in their laughter.

"Oh for the love of Olympus! Pull it out! It burns!" cried the false god.

**"What's wrong? You seem to love your dick. I just thought I give you the joy of having it inside you,"** said Red X as he kept pushing and twisting the spicy fake genitalia.

His actions made Zeus yell and whimper in pain as the hot sauce was doing its job.

**"Man, you're a tight one, aren't ya?"** grunted the master thief while still inserting the stone dick into the false deity's ass, **"I think I need a little help."**

He looked at Harley, **"Babe, think you could give me a hand?"**

His girlfriend grinned excitedly, "Hell yeah! Psycho, Clayface, turn that dickhead around!"

"You got it," said the telepath.

"As you wish," replied Clayface.

Her crew turned the supervillain around so his bare butt was facing her and she could see the stone penis still sticking out.

She chuckled and was getting ready to 'go up to bat' when Maxie looked back at her, "Wait, Quinn, we can work something out. I-I-I'll tell the world your crew ain't nothing to fuck with. I'll tell the world!"

"Oh I know you will," smirked the up-and-coming supervillainess before giving her bat a powerful swing.

She hit the stone penis though the impact rocketed Zeus out of Clayface and Dr. Psycho's combined hold and sent him through the door into the other room.

A sigh of satisfaction escaped Harley's lips, "That was fuckin' awesome."

**"Oh, we aren't done yet. I found these in his bedroom. Figured I could put them to good use,"** Red X pulled out some unknown items.

"Holy shit, I love you so much right now," his girlfriend grinned evilly upon seeing what he had.

**-(The next morning in front of Maxie Zeus' house)-**

Tawny Young was standing in front of the camera, reporting the breaking news about Maxie Zeus who was unconscious and hogtied upon the lap of the statue of him sitting on a throne. Leather cuffs bound his hands and ankles, he had a ball gag in his mouth, and the end of the stone penis was barely poking out of his butt.

"Motivational speaker and _self-proclaimed_ supervillain Maxie Zeus was found this morning, beaten and apparently sexually assaulted," said the reporter.

Maxie let out a groan and caught Tawny's attention then she made her way over to him while beckoning her camera operator, "Oh, oh! Follow me, follow me."

She came up to the beaten 'god', "Mr. Zeus, how did this happen? Who did this terrible thing to you?"

He tried to answer but all he could do was moan due to his mouth being plugged up.

"Oh. Right. Let me try and . . . " Tawny reached up to the gag and managed to get it off, "Got it."

"Thank you," he said, genuinely grateful.

"So do you know who did this to you?" she put the microphone to his lips.

He gave a small grunt of pain before speaking, "All I can say is . . . Harley Quinn's crew ain't nothing to fuck with."

Tawny resumed her report, "Sounds like Harley Quinn, former girlfriend of the Joker, is striking out on her own."

* * *

At Ivy's apartment, she, Harley, and Naruto were watching Tawny's report; he was still in his gear except his helmet was on the coffee table.

"Holy fucking shit, Harls. You did it. I would not have seen that coming," said the redhead, impressed by the efforts of her best friend.

"Oh, you should have seen her. She was great. Ran that crew like a pro," praised the master thief before giving his blonde girlfriend a kiss to the temple.

She blushed, "Well I did have a little help . . . but I _was_ pretty good wasn't right?"

"Hell yeah, you were," he smiled.

* * *

Tawny resumed speaking, _"It's been thirty long years since a female villain had a crew. When the Queen of Fables tried to smash through that glass ceiling but was imprisoned in the U.S. Tax Code by the Justice League."_

"'Cause they're bitches!" cried out the Queen of Fables, watching the news in her office, "But I'll be damned. Harley's actually going for it."

* * *

She was not the only one watching as the Joker was too and was not happy at what he was hearing.

_"One thing's for sure, the Joker's ex may soon become his biggest competitor-"_ her report abruptly ended after Joker crushed his drinking glass and shot his television.

* * *

"Well Harls, congratulations. You're doing it. I mean, I know gold medals aren't a nuclear warhead but it's a good start," praised Ivy.

"Thanks," smiled Harley.

"So what are you gonna do with those medals? Melt them down and sell 'em off?" suggested the redhead.

"Oh I already did something with them."

"Really? What?"

The blonde pointed to Naruto, "Traded them to Foxy."

Ivy arched her brow at their shared boyfriend, "Seriously?"

"Trust me, it's better than you think," he smirked back at her.

Before the eco-terrorist could question further, Tawny received some sudden information, _"Hold on everyone, word from the newsroom. The International Olympic Committee has just announced that the stolen medals from 1996 have been found and returned."_

_"What?!" NO! NOOOOOOOOOO!"_ cried out Maxie Zeus.

Harley and Naruto started laughing at the supervillain's misery though Ivy just said, "I don't get it."

Her blond boyfriend calms down, "I've met a lot of supervillains and criminals in my line of work and I have learned many things. One of them is you can hurt a bad guy's body many times and they'll bounce back. Where you really want to hit them . . . is in their pride."

The redhead was connecting the pieces with a grin, "So by returning the medals . . . "

"Maxie Zeus lost the heist that made him a supervillain in the first place," Naruto smirked.

"Ha! That's awesome," praised Ivy.

"Ain't he cute when he's being kickass?" Harley grinned before kissing his cheek.

He smiled, "I have my moments."

Something soon clicked in Ivy's mind, "Hold on, you said 'traded'. You gave Naruto the medals. So what did he give _you_?"

"The warhead he stole."

"That thing? But didn't he disarm it and make it useless?"

Naruto answered, "Yeah, we know it's useless . . . but Gotham doesn't know."

Harley giggled, "Yep."

Ivy smirked at her best friend, "What did you do?"

"I used the warhead to blackmail the city."

Once again, Tawny came on with another newsflash, _"Hey, y'all, it's me again. This just in. We take you live to a high-speed chase on the abruptly renamed Harley Quinn Highway."_

As the footage of the chase came on, the green-skinned eco-terrorist was stunned, "I'll be fuckin' damned. Totally worth it."

"So. Fucking. Awesome," added Naruto.

"Right?" Harley stood up, "I say we celebrate."

"Celebrate? How?" asked her best friend.

The blonde with the pigtails answered by grabbing her and their boyfriend's wrists before pulling them off the couch, "To the bedroom!"

Her companions were surprised but did not resist as she dragged them to her room for one hot celebration.

* * *

**And that was Chapter Two! Hope you all liked it.**

**I consider this the 'real' first chapter. It shows what I'm kinda going to do for this story but there is still more to come. **

**A little heads-up - a lot of the chapters will be identical to the canon episodes of the show. While Naruto is in this story, he will not overshadow Harley because this is HER story of growth and change but he will still play a major part. He might even get a chapter or two focusing on him.  
**

**A big shoutout to Chillman22 for helping me make this happen.**

**AN - I did some re-editing to this chapter and I was quite ashamed to find many mistakes; I hope I got them all. I also changed some lines to make it similar to the later chapters.**


	3. Ch 3 - Jacked

**Here it is, the long-awaited third chapter of 'Harley Quinn's Red Mark'. Apologies for the long wait but this one was a little tricky. I was trying to do something a little different for this one.**

** Anyway, enjoy!**

* * *

Chapter 3: Jacked

The clock on the nightstand had just turned over to 9:16 a.m. when Naruto stirred in his bed and slowly opened his eyes. With a subtle moan, he rolled onto his left side before a bare and slender arm draped itself over him. Soon the content face of Tala comes up, rests against his neck, and nuzzles him in a loving manner.

She plants a gentle kiss on his skin, "Good morning, my beloved master."

"Morning, Tala. Sleep well?" he asked.

"Of course. I always do after one of our . . . nights of passion," she lets out a sigh of satisfaction, "You were wonderful last night. As always."

"Thanks," he looks at his clock and reads the time, "But I better get up."

The unmasked Red X was about to do that when his beautiful servant got a hold on him and snuggled into him, "Must you? I _adore_ cuddling with you. Stay with me."

He chuckles then gently takes her arm off of him, "As great as that sounds, I can't spend the whole day in bed."

Naruto gets out of bed, exposing his nude form to the world when his bedmate said, "Of course you can. Especially with the right 'motivation'."

He looked back to see her take the covers off and reveal her own naked body. No matter how many times he saw it, it was still one of the most beautiful bodies he had ever seen.

The blonde smiled, "Tempting, very tempting. Even if that were true, _you_ still have to get to headquarters. I may have time off right now but you have important work to do."

She pouts, "It's so boring without you there."

He smiles, "I know, I know. You've told me many times. Still, your work is very important. You can't exactly ditch."

Naruto goes into the bathroom, grabs a washcloth and wets it in the sink then wipes his face before drying off.

He opens his eyes to see, in the mirror, Tala behind him and wrapping her arms around him.

She presses his body against his, _"__Și dacă aș putea? Am putea petrece toată ziua împreună."_

He feels her plant a kiss on his shoulder then he smiles, "Tala, you have to go."

She kisses his shoulder again, "I don't want to."

A smirk appears on Naruto's face, "Are you trying to defy your master?"

"Maybe you should punish me," the sorceress nibbled on his right ear lobe.

The unmasked Red X could not help but find her affectionate actions pleasing and charming; she had been like this ever since they met two years ago.

"As fun as that sounds, it's probably best if we save that for another time. Besides, you're not the only lady who wants me around them," he said in a gentle voice.

Tala knew exactly whom he was talking about then she glares and pouts, "Oh I see."

Naruto saw her face in the mirror and chuckled a little, "Don't tell me you're jealous."

She looks away, "Maybe I am. So?"

"I'm just surprised. You were alright with the one-night stands I used to have from time to time."

"Yes, because those were _just_ one-night stands. But now you have two full-blown girlfriends I have to share you with now. I'm not sure I like it."

Naruto smirks, "Well I'm sorry, Tala, but you have to share me now. Their feelings for me are no less than yours."

It was Tala's turn to smirk, "Or I could use some magic to make them disappear for a while . . . or maybe just the pigtailed one."

_**'I really like this one,'**_ growled Kurama from the deep recesses of Naruto's mind.

The unmasked Red X smiled a little, "No, you're not allowed."

His still-nude servant thought for a second, "Can I at least punish the clown a little? Maybe with a curse? A non-deadly one?"

"No."

She frowns a little, "Tsk. You _never_ let me shine."

"The answer is still no, Tala. And that is final."

An angry pout appears on Tala's face, "Fine."

Naruto could sense her unhappy vibes from behind so he turned around and said, "C'mere."

The sorceress did not have time to react as he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her lips. Her initial shock soon wore off as she returned his actions in kind; they stayed like that for about ten seconds before separating.

She gained a look of content then he asked, "Feel better?"

"Very much so," said Tala before smiling slyly, "But I might feel even better if we were to have a date night. Like we used to."

The hero from another dimension chuckled, "Okay, I'll agree to that. No problem."

"You promise?"

"I promise. And you know I never go back on my word."

With the deal set, his nude servant smiled and pecked him on the lips before saying, "It's a date."

He smiled back, "Okay."

"But now, let me make you breakfast this morning. I won't have you grabbing another sandwich from that little hole-in-the-wall again," she said in a slightly firm tone.

"I'll have you know those sandwiches are very filling and are packed with essential carbs for helping someone get through the morning," he smirked.

"So you say. But I won't be shown up by some man behind a griddle."

He laughed, "Whatever you say, Tala."

She glare and pouts then he says, "But before we eat, let's get 'clean'."

He then leads her into the shower, turns on the water, and resumes kissing her as the water hits them, not bothered by the fact it was still cold.

**-(Poison Ivy's apartment)-**

"Listen up! We got our names out there. People know not to fuck with us and I got my highway. But now it's time to up our game," said Harley, placing a map of downtown Gotham City on the coffee table she and her crew surrounded.

It has been a couple of days since they beat the crap out of Maxie Zeus and stole his medals and now the crew was ready to do more.

Dr. Psycho gives an evil smirk as he looks at the map, "Downtown, huh? Got something big in mind?"

"Ya damn right. And if it goes well, we'll be stinkin' rich!"

"Likin' it so far."

Clayface asks, "What will our newest grand scheme be?"

"A jewel heist!" Harley announces proudly.

"Ah, a classic. And one that never gets old no matter how many times it is done. Like a cinematic masterpiece from decades ago," said the shapeshifter.

"So which store are we hitting? Gotham Jewelry? Diamonds of the Night? Eternal Sparkles? Oh! Maybe Rubies Galore?" asked Psycho, getting more excited with every name he lists off.

The blonde with the pigtails gave a smug smile, "All of them."

"Huzzah!" cheered Clayface.

His telepath teammate was just as excited, "Hot damn! That's what I'm talking about. So when do we do this?"

Harley answered, "Tonight."

"Excellent. So which one will we start our spree off with?"

"No, no, no spree. We are hitting all of them tonight. In one fell swoop. In one single night," she answered, smirking excitedly.

However, the enthusiasm of her crew died away as they looked at her like she just grew a second head.

"Um Harls, I know you want to prove yourself as a villain and get into the Legion of Doom. But it sounds like that plan will be a little . . . hard to pull off," suggested Ivy from the kitchen where she was having some coffee.

She was staying out of the planning since she was technically not a part of the crew; she was still a solo supervillainess.

"'A little hard'? It's damned near impossible!" Psycho pointed at Harley, "Do you have any fucking idea how many jewelry stores are in this city? Too many to rob in one night! A job this big will have to take two. Maybe three nights!"

The blonde just smiled, "That's why we're going to hit 'em all at the same time."

"In case you haven't noticed . . . there's only three of us!" shouted the telepath.

"I may be a master of disguise as well as an unmatched actor but even I cannot take on the role of an entire army," said Clayface.

"No, guys, we won't need an army. The three of us will be more than enough," she said confidently.

"Okay, well you've clearly lost your mind," said Psycho.

"A long time ago but that's not important right now. Listen, what do all the jewelry stores in Gotham have in common besides all being jewelry stores?"

"Their favored clientele are among the vastly wealthy?" asked Clayface.

"They all put their goods on display in very breakable glass cases?" asked Dr. Psycho.

"Well . . . I guess but no. They all get their gems delivered by the same truck," said Harley.

She reaches behind her, pulls out a few photos, and throws them onto the map to reveal them depicting the same large armored truck, "This truck to be exact."

Her crewmates look at the pictures then she continues, "This armored truck comes in every month and delivers jewels to every jewelry store in the city on the same day."

"And why does it look like something loaned out from the U.S. military?" asked Psycho.

"Because this is Gotham duh. I mean there's a supervillain around every goddamn corner," Harley looked back at the pictures, "This truck is decked out with heavy armor plating, thick all-terrain wheels, and bulletproof glass."

"And you want to rob this behemoth?" asked Clayface.

She answers, "Yes. Other villains have tried and failed. They all had to settle for waiting for it to make its deliveries before going for the jewels. We pull this off, the Legion will definitely notice us."

It was at this point that Ivy got a text alert on her cellphone; she checked it then smirked after reading the message and replied to it. Afterwards, she got up and opened the closest window before returning to the kitchen to drink her coffee.

Psycho decided to chime in, "Please tell me you have a plan for this."

"Of course I do. Here's the pla-" Harley was soon interrupted by someone flying in through the window and into the apartment.

The unknown person soon announced, **"You're all about to fucking die!"**

This scared the villainous crew enough to shout in fear and for Harley to grab her baseball bat but she soon realized who the intruder was and glared, "X!"

It was indeed the infamous Red X and he was laughing, **"Gotcha."**

"Dammit, babe, you nearly scared the crap out of me!" yelled the blonde with the pigtails.

"Same here, you fuckin' psycho!" shouted Dr. Psycho.

Clayface glared and crossed his arms, "Agreed."

**"And none of it would have been possible if not for my partner-in-crime – Poison Ivy,"** the master thief adds happily.

Harley gasps then points her bat at her best friend and says in a hushed voice, "Traitor."

Ivy just smiles and shrugs her shoulders, "He texted me and asked if the window was open. Of course I had to open it. I didn't want my window broken. Again."

**"That was three years ago and I said I was sorry. I even paid for a new window, remember?"** Red returned to being proud of himself, **"Still, this hilarious prank was a success."**

"Oh well, you know what else is funny? This!" Harley drops her bat, somersaults onto his back, and wraps her legs around him while getting him into a chokehold.

All Red X could do was make some choking sounds as the blonde on his back smirked, "Oh yeah, now we're having fun. This is fun, right?"

Using her weight, she makes them fall backwards onto the floor where the assassin in black wriggles around in her hold.

"Don't break him, Harls. We still need him for sex," said Ivy before taking a sip of coffee.

"Right, Ive," responded the Joker's ex.

Red X was about to grab her arms but, with her gymnast flexibility, Harley used her legs to hold his limbs back.

She grinned, "Say 'uncle'. Say it!"

**"Okay, okay. Uncle,"** he gargled.

A smug smirk appeared on her face then she released her boyfriend and stood proud like the champion of a wrestling match.

"Whooo, fuck yeah. I defeated big bad Red X. New world champ, right here," announced the bleached-skin blonde.

She started doing a small victory dance but did not notice Red X standing up and looming behind her.

**"Let's see if you can defend your title,"** he grabbed her from behind and threw them back onto the ground.

Before she knew what happened, Harley was on her stomach with both of her arms pinned behind her back and her boyfriend straddling her to keep her down.

"No fair," growled Harley as she wriggled.

**"What's wrong, baby? I thought you liked me coming in from behind,"** teased the thief in black.

"Only during sex!"

She struggled some more when Dr. Psycho loudly cleared his throat, "As captivating as your bedroom antics might be, can we get back to this plan you claim to have?"

"Oh. Right," Harley looks at Red X, "Babe, ya think you can let me up?"

**"Huh? Oh, yeah. Sure,"** he says then gets off of her and helps her up.

She got to her feet before rolling her shoulders a little and giving him a flirtatious smirk, "We'll finish this later."

He watches her return to her crew while thinking to himself, 'Bet it'll be a different kind of wrestling match though.'

**"So what plan is Psycho talking about?"** asks Red X, joining the others.

His blonde girlfriend was about to answer but the aforementioned telepath interrupted, "Don't fuckin' tell him! He'll jack our loot! It's what he does."

**"Relax, Doc, I'm not gonna jack your loot . . . unless I have to."**

"See!"

"Calm the fuck down, Psycho," glared Harley.

Her boyfriend noticed the map and the pictures of the armored truck on the coffee table and put two-and-two together, **"Planning some kind of jewelry heist?"**

The blonde with the pigtails smiled, "Damn right! And a badass one at that."

"And that's all you're gonna hear. So why don't you run along and let us villains try and earn a living," sneered Dr. Psycho.

**"Jesus, fine. Plan away. Pretend I'm not even here,"** grumbled Red X.

"Or you could just leave. And maybe go die in a ditch somewhere," added the telepath.

"Psycho!" shouted Harley.

The masked hero from another dimension joined Ivy in the kitchen.

He sat down next to her as she sipped her coffee, **"He's a real ball of fire, isn't he?"**

His green-skinned girlfriend responded, "I'd say he's more like the ball of shit that you'd put in the bag before lighting it on fire."

**"Not a fan?"** the disguised Naruto chuckled.

"You could guess why. Anyway, want some coffee?"

**"Sure," **his eyes did the infamous eye smile Kakashi would often do.

Ivy grabs the coffee pitcher, "Grab a mug."

Back with the trio in the living room, Harley was explaining the plan bubbling in her noggin.

"As I was saying, this is how it'll go – the truck always comes in through the Vincefinkel Bridge entrance, we'll wait there. When the truck stops at the multiway intersection, Clayface and I will take out the driver. Then Psycho, you'll use your powers to open the back and make the jewels do that floating thing-"

"It's called levitation and it's one of the best things you can do as a telepath," defended Dr. Psycho.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Anyway, you'll grab the jewels then we hop into the van we stole yesterday and make our getaway. Then after the sun rises, we pour out all the jewels on the floor and roll around in them like fuckin' royalty before selling them on the black market for a buttload of cold hard cash."

A sinister grin appeared on Psycho's face, "Fuck yeah!"

"As disappointed I am in the lack of the chance for me to exercise my acting abilities, I must admit this plan appears to be a solid one," said Clayface.

"Right? This gonna be so fuckin' awesome" grinned their pale-skinned crew leader.

Soon they heard a loud humming coming from the kitchen; they looked to see it was Red X as he drummed his fingers and looked off to the side.

"You okay, babe?" Harley asked her boyfriend.

**"Yep,"** he replied quickly.

Soon a thought came to her head, "Is there something wrong with my plan?"

**"No, no, it's a good plan. It's a . . . good plan,"** his mouth became uncovered and he took a sip of coffee.

The blonde with the pigtails crossed her arms and gave him a slight glare, "Babe."

Red X stopped sipping his coffee and his mouth returned to being hidden before he said, **"No, it's a great plan . . . just not for this particular truck."**

"What do you mean?" asked Clayface.

"Yeah, spill it!" shouted Dr. Psycho.

The master thief shook his head, **"No, no. I'm staying out of this. This is your guys' heist, do it your way."**

"Ah, fuck this. I'll just mind-control him and get him to tell us," growled the telepath.

He was about to do it when Ivy glared at him before summoning huge thorny vines from her indoor gardens and pointing them at him.

"Keep your powers away from my boyfriend," she scowled.

Harley gave Psycho a similar scowl, "That goes double for me."

"Oh come on! Seriously?" protested the telepath.

"Serious," replied the pale-skinned babe in a low growl.

The diminutive villain grumbled, "Fine."

Ivy retracted her vines as Harley said to her misogynistic teammate, "Let me handle this."

She goes over to Red X, wraps her arms around him, and starts cuddling, "C'mon sweetie. There's no harm in at least telling me what's wrong, isn't there? Please?"

She started giving him puppy-dog eyes and after a couple of seconds, Red X sighed, **"I guess not."**

"You're the best," his blonde girlfriend gave him a quick hug before getting down to business, "So what's wrong with my plan?"

**"Okay. First of all, you have the right idea of waiting at the intersection. But that's it. You and Clayface won't be able to knock out the driver since his partner in the passenger seat would see you and sound the alarm. Also, they'd be fully decked out in armor and carrying high-powered rifles that could put a hole in Killer Croc's tough leathery hide. Plus they are also trained in other forms of weaponry as well as hand-to-hand combat."**

"Holy shit," this information surprised Harley.

"Good lord," gasped Clayface.

**"And if Dr. Psycho went ahead and got to the back, he would be met with about four other armed guards all wielding similar rifles. He'd be gunned down in seconds after opening the backdoors, turning him into Swiss cheese."**

"Fucking hell!" cried said telepath.

**"Yeah. So . . . sorry."**

"Oh shit," groaned Harley.

Ivy chimed in, "Hold on, honey, how do know about the guys in the truck?"

"Yeah. How do you know?" his other girlfriend grew curious.

**"Well . . . I guess you can say the people hired to guard the truck might have been hired from the same organization I work for,"** Red X points at Harley, **"Before you ask, no, I have no idea who they are. Even if I did, I couldn't tell you."**

The blonde with the pigtails groaned in disappointed as her redhead roommate asks him, "Seriously? They got government soldiers or whatever to guard some shiny rocks?"

He shrugs, **"It's Gotham City. There's practically a supervillain around every corner."**

Harley looks back at her crew, "Told ya."

"So this heist has gone down the shitter?" asked a snarky Dr. Psycho.

The pale-skinned lady started thinking, "Hmmm . . . no, I think we can still pull off this heist."

"But you heard Red X. Even if we get into the truck, we'll be blasted by those soldiers or whatever!"

"I know, I know. That's why we gotta be smart about this."

"Does this mean you have a new plan in mind?" asked Clayface.

"Yep. And I think I know exactly what our first move will be," Harley smirked evilly.

**-(3 a.m. the next day)-**

The armored truck carrying the cargo of jewels for Gotham City exited the Vincefinkel Bridge and arrived at the urban area with the multiway intersection. Like Red X said, there were two people in the cab of the vehicle and four in the back and they all wearing tactical gear and armed with powerful rifles.

The driver stops at the intersection and looks in all directions before the sound of a person in distress rang out, "Someone help me!"

An adult male comes running over, looking ragged due to his torn clothes and the numerous injuries upon his body.

He draped himself across the truck's hood, "Please!"

"We don't have time for this, Jackson. We have to get going," said the passenger in a female voice.

The driver replies in their own male voice, "We're thirty minutes early. Besides, Doyle, this is what we were originally trained to do."

Jackson puts the truck into park then gets out as Doyle sighs and follows him.

"Are you okay, sir?" the assigned driver asked the injured man.

Before he could get an answer, the supposed victim suddenly transformed into a large blob of clay and wrapped itself around Jackson.

"What the hell?!" cried out the armored driver.

Doyle saw what happened and hurried back to the truck to get her rifle but was stopped by a baseball bat hitting the side of her head and sending her to the ground, knocking her out. The attack was courtesy of Harley Quinn who glanced at her downed victim before strolling over to the trapped transporter.

"What? Harley Quinn?" asked Jackson.

"Night-night," said Harley before knocking him out with a bat strike to the head, "Clayface, you know what to do."

Clayface's head popped out of the glob, "Right."

There was a knock at the backdoor of the truck and an armored guard looks through one of the narrow windows to see it was Jackson.

The guard opened the doors then took notice of the area and saw no jewelry store in sight, "Jackson, what's going on? Why aren't we at the first location?"

Immediately, Dr. Psycho jumps out from behind Jackson and grins sinisterly, "Detour, you pricks!"

The quartet of guards were about to grab their rifles but were soon knocked out by the diminutive telepath using his mental powers to do so. Jackson soon transformed into Clayface then the two of them tossed their unconscious victims into a pile on the sidewalk by the time Harley walked over and looked at the twenty containers carrying the gems.

"Okay, Psycho, do you floaty thing and carry the gems to the van," she ordered.

"It's called levitation and it's an impressive skill!" he yelled back.

"Just fuckin' do it."

Psycho just growls as he levitates the jewel containers out of the armored truck then they all ran back to around the corner where their black van was parked.

"Get in!" ordered Harley as she hurried into the driver's seat.

Clayface opens the backdoor and crawls in followed by the floating containers and Dr. Psycho. The blonde leader of the crew wasted no time in starting the vehicle and driving away.

**-(Parking lot outside of a Costco store)-**

The sound of beer cans being opened filled the van as Harley cheered, "Whoohoo! We fuckin' did it!"

"Huzzah!" Clayface shouted happily.

"Hell yeah!" agreed Dr. Psycho then the three of them started drinking.

Their blonde leader took a few chugs then said, "Oh man, I can't wait for the Legion of Doom to hear about this. They'll be beggin' me to join."

"And now, we're stinking rich! There's gotta be thousands of dollars worth of gems in these things. Maybe even a solid million," grinned Dr. Psycho.

"Hell yeah. Psycho, crack one of those open. Let's see what kind of rocks we got," she grinned.

The telepath chuckled eagerly as he grabbed one of the containers and opens it . . . only to hear a small metallic click followed by seeing a pinless grenade taped to the bottom.

"It's a fuckin' grenade!" he cried out then used his powers to open the backdoor and throw the container out into the parking lot where it exploded.

Harley cried out, "What was that?!"

"A grenade, I just said that!"

The blonde was incredibly surprised, "Seriously?!"

"A booby trap. How devious," said Clayface.

"Someone planted it to blow us to Hell!" shouted Psycho.

It was then a thought came to all of their minds then they looked at the remaining containers.

"You don't think?" the shapeshifter asked his crewmates.

The remaining nineteen containers were laid out on the ground of the parking lot with the crew looking at them.

"Okay, Psycho, open 'em then chuck away any with grenades," ordered Harley.

"Yeah, no shit," replied Psycho.

She looks at Clayface, "Clayface, give us cover."

"Right away," he says before transforming into a wall.

"Cover?! Why the fuck did you tell him to give us cover?!" the telepath shouted.

"Duh, you always need cover during bomb disposal," Harley gets behind Clayface, "Okay, Psycho. Get to it."

The telepath grumbled then began using his powers to check the containers one at a time; every one he checked had a grenade so he had to chuck them into the air to avoid explosive death.

He finished checking then tossing the last one when he yelled out, "For fuck's sake!"

"Are you kidding me?! No jewels?! Not one?!" shouted Harley upon seeing the final result.

"How can this be?" asked Clayface, assuming his original form.

Soon the blaring of police sirens could be heard in the distant and sounded like it was getting louder.

"Can we finish this conversation after getting out of here?" suggested Dr. Psycho.

"Good idea. Let's go," said Harley before they all climbed into the van.

Harley wasted no time in turning the vehicle on then driving them out of the area before the police showed up to investigate the series of explosions.

She started beating on the rim of the steering wheel, "Shit! Shit! Shit! What the fuck happened?! I planned everything out PERFECTLY!"

Clayface chimed in, "There's only one explanation – someone beat us to the jewels."

"No shit, Sherlock!" shouted Dr. Psycho.

"Taking the jewels but leaving bombs. Quite an inspiring and interesting twist."

"But who did it? Who could've beaten us to the jewels? We were the only ones going after the truck," growled Harley.

"I actually might have a pretty good idea on who did this," Psycho glared.

**-(Poison Ivy's apartment)-**

"You fuckin' piece of horseshit! Where are the jewels?!" shouted Dr. Psycho, pointing at the accused.

**"Wait . . . what?"** asked a confused Red X.

"Don't you play cute with us! Tell us where our jewels are or I'll rip the answer from your skull! PAINFULLY!"

Harley decided to step in, "Calm down, Psycho!"

He glares at her, "Don't tell me to calm down. He's the only one who could've taken them! He knew about our plan, he knew how to beat us to them."

"Listen here, you maniacal troll. Red doesn't have your jewels, he couldn't possibly have the time to do so. He's been with me the whole time up until now," said Ivy who was sitting next to her boyfriend on the couch.

"And how could you possibly know that?" the telepath growled.

"Because we were having sex the whole time!" she answered.

It was true; the two of them were going at it like rabbits since they had the apartment to themselves and were not going to waste the opportunity. They had just finished when Harley and her crew came home and right now, Red X was wearing only his helmet and his boxer while Ivy was only in her dark green bathrobe.

Frank pops his head out from one of the indoor gardens and calls out, "Fuck yeah they were!"

"Frank!" the eco-terrorist shouted before he laughed and slunk back into his cover.

The diminutive villain did not believe them, "A likely story. How do we know you two aren't in cahoots with each other so you can split the jewels fifty-fifty?"

Ivy did not exactly like that accusation, "I don't steal jewels, jackass. Not my style."

**"Neither do I . . . unless they're already stolen,"** said Red X.

Harley spoke up, "Exactly."

Dr. Psycho glared at her again, "You're seriously going to defend him after he just tried to blow us up?!"

**"What?!"** shouted the master thief, surprised at this news.

"Harley, what is he talking?" asked the redhead.

The blonde with the bleached skin started explaining, "Instead of jewels in the boxes, there were grenades. Rigged to blow after the pin was pulled out by opening the lids apparently."

"That's right. And Harley told us about you and that fake warhead. So the only one who could have done it was you!" Dr. Psycho pointed at the near-naked Red X.

**"Why the fuck would I want to explode one of my girlfriends?"** protested the disguised Naruto.

"Tying up loose ends! It's what hitmen like you do."

**"Not to my own girlfriend!"**

"Lies!"

"And isn't the old saying that one is innocent until proven guilty?" asked Clayface.

"You shut up!"

It was then a loud whistle came from Harley, getting everyone's attention.

"Shut it!" she yelled then she turns to Dr. Psycho, "Psycho, X has no reason to kills us and Ivy doesn't go for jewels. I'm pretty sure they weren't the ones who beat us to the heist. So knock it off!"

Her telepathic teammate gives Red X one last glare before growling, "Fine."

The atmosphere was calming down when Harley spoke, "Now, we just gotta figure out who stole our heist, tried to blow our asses up, then beat theirs into a mushy paste."

"But who could have done the deceitful deed?" asked Clayface dramatically.

An idea soon came to Red X's mind, **"I might have a way to find out. I'll be right back."**

He got up and went to Ivy's bedroom and while he was gone, Harley soon noticed that said redhead was thinking.

"Something on your mind, Ive?" she asked, sitting down on the couch.

Her crew took some seats as the eco-terrorist responded, "It's just I don't know why but stolen jewels being replaced with bombs sounds familiar to me."

Her blonde roommate was about to question her when Red X announced, **"Got it."**

He made his way back with his tablet in hand and retook his spot next to Ivy, **"With this, I can look up all known criminals and supervillains. Your culprit is bound to be on the list."**

The master thief opened the application holding the aforementioned list and started typing in the query, **"Better be specific. Thief . . . replaces jewels . . . with bombs."**

Everyone else soon gathered around him as the search continued.

"How long is this gonna take?" asked Harley.

Red X answered, **"Don't know. Could take five minutes, maybe a whole day-" **a beep came from the tablet, **"Or just a few seconds."**

They all looked at the screen as he said, **"And it looks like there's only one match."**

The masked Naruto soon brought up the mug shot and profile of a young woman with silver hair, wearing dark glasses, and dressed in a black jumpsuit with feathered shoulders.

He started to read her name, **"Margaret Pye a.k.a. Magpie."**

"Oh! That's it. That's why this whole thing sounded familiar," exclaimed Ivy in a relieved manner.

"Ive, you know this chick?" asked Harley.

"Yeah, Magpie was an inmate at Arkham. She often took the room opposite to mine. Annoying as hell," the redhead.

"So what's your toy say about this broad?" Dr. Psycho asked Red X.

**"Let's see,"** the master thief began looking over Magpie's profile, **"Says here she's a classic kleptomaniac. Usually goes for jewels but has been known to steal other shiny objects."**

Ivy spoke, "Yeah, that sounds likes Maggie alright."

"You gave her a nickname?" asked the blonde with the pigtails.

Her redhead roommate shrugged, "A lot of us in Arkham called her 'Maggie'."

"But you seem to know this lady quite well, Ivy. Please, what can you tell us about her?" asked Clayface.

"Nothing really to tell. It's like the profile says, she's a klepto and likes to steal shiny stuff. In fact, she often stole metal trays, utensils, and cups from the cafeteria at the asylum. Hell, there was even one time she spotted a brand-new wedding ring on one of the guards, pounced on him, and bit his finger off to get the ring."

"Good Lord. Just like the infamous Gollum of the _Lord of the Rings_."

"Hey, like I said, she's crazy."

"And the grenades?" Dr. Psycho asked her.

"She tends to replace any jewels she steals with booby-trapped explosives."

Red X looks at Magpie's profile, **"Yep, says the same thing right here. Apparently she has caused multiple injuries and deaths by doing so."**

Harley just scowled, "Well when I find her, I'm gonna shove a grenade up her ass and take my jewels! I planned hard for those!"

She looks at Ivy, "Ive, any ideas on how to find her?"

"How would I know that?" asked the redhead.

"She was your friend, right? You two must have talked. Exchanged information and secrets and shit like that."

"She wasn't my friend. Barely an acquaintance to be honest. We didn't exactly talk to each other."

"Well I'm gonna find that little birdie and clip her wings for good," growled the blonde with pigtails.

**"And just how are you going to do that?"** asked Red X.

Harley thought for a second before an idea came to her head and a smirk appeared on her face.

**-(One hour and a half later)-**

On the roof of a building in downtown Gotham City was a metal pole wrapped in many layers of aluminum foil and surrounded by miniature spotlights shining on it. Behind a large rooftop air conditioning unit was Harley and her crew, watching the metal pole as well as keeping an eye out for anything or anyone.

"This is fucking stupid. There is no way this will work," grumbled Dr. Psycho.

Harley responded, "You heard Ivy and Red, Magpie goes after shiny stuff. What's more tempting that a shiny metal pole?"

"A big pile of diamonds, maybe?"

"Look, this is gonna to work. She arrives, we nab her, and make her give us the jewels that are rightfully ours."

"You know, I was wondering earlier why we are even doing this in the first place. The jewelry stores in Gotham still have plenty of rocks for the taking. Why don't we just go and nab some of them?"

"This isn't just about the jewels, this is a matter of pride. I was the one to create a plan to get past the armed guards and armored truck. I deserve those fuckin' jewels and I'm gonna get them."

Dr. Psycho was about to respond when Clayface whispered to them, "At the risk of using an unoriginal line, we are about to have company."

The other two looked and saw someone traversing across the nearby rooftops and coming their way fast. It was not long before the mysterious person was one rooftop away then did a daredevil leap onto theirs and landed with the grace of an expert gymnast.

Harley could not help being impressed and whispered aloud, "Nice technique."

Dr. Psycho hissed at her, "Fuck her technique. That's gotta be Magpie."

"Oh shit, right. Let's go," they all walked out from behind their cover.

The mystery person walked over to the foil-covered pole and grinned at it, "Shiny, shiny."

They were about to touch it when Harley called out them, "Hey! You Magpie?"

The unknown newcomer turned towards Harley and her crew then stepped into the light and revealed them to indeed be the infamous Magpie. She, however, was wearing an outfit consisting of a black bustier top with a feathered collar, matching hot pants, thigh-high boots, and long fingerless gloves.

Clayface spoke, "Huh, she looks different from her picture."

Magpie glared at them and spoke in a silky voice, "What's this? Three little rats here to take my prize?"

Harley pointed her baseball bat at her, "You took ours first, you feathered bitch! Gives us the gems!"

The bird-themed thief scowled, "Never! The shinies are mine."

Dr. Psycho smirked, "Give me the word, Harley, and I'll get this Lady Gaga impersonator to sing. Maybe turn her brain into a scrambled egg while I'm at it."

He was getting a mental beam ready when the blonde answered, "No. She's mine."

With her bat ready, Harley started marching over to Magpie as she bared her teeth like a mad dog.

"Ah I sense an one-on-one showdown about to occur. A classic yet exciting scene," grinned Clayface.

The diminutive telepath just crossed his arms and grumbled, "Whatever."

Harley glared at the thief in black, "Listen here, you chicken bitch! You are gonna give me my jewels or I'm gonna beat the shit outta ya until you do."

"You're welcomed to try, you circus pornstar reject," glared Magpie.

Dr. Psycho whistled at the insult as his shapeshifting colleague said, "Oh snap."

Joker's ex felt her rage rise then with a war cry, she somersaulted over to the bird-themed thief and brought her baseball bat down upon her. Magpie held her forearm up to block the attack and the blunt weapon hit hard . . . though she showed no pain and simply smirked. This shocked Harley a little but she immediately got over it before swinging her bat into Magpie's exposed side; her foe still showed no pain.

"The fu-?" the blonde was slugged in the face and knocked away.

Harley glared at Magpie who still had the smug smirk on her face and beckoned her over. The beauty with the bleached skin called her bluff and charged right for her with her bat at the ready while the bird-themed thief did the same. As they got closer, Magpie reared her right arm back as her nails extended into claws. The two ladies met with Harley swinging her weapon but her foe ducked, scratched her left thigh, and jumped back.

The blonde looked at the five shallow cuts and smirked, "Pfft. Is that all you got? I've taken deeper cuts from butter knives."

All Magpie did was return the smirk as her nails retracted to their normal shape.

"My tur . . . rn?" Harley started to feel a little dizzy as her body started to go numb and she fell over.

"Holy crap!" cried out Dr. Psycho as he and Clayface watched the whole thing.

The bird-themed thief grinned as she went over to the foil on the pole, "Now, my shiny."

"Get her!" ordered the diminutive telepath before he and the shapeshifter ran for her.

Magpie, however, was too quick and she grabbed the foil, ran, and leapt off the rooftop onto another one.

"She has eluded us," stated the shapeshifter.

"And seriously? She took the foil?" the telepath is in disbelief of it.

Their attention was soon captured by a groan and gurgle from the downed Harley.

**-(Back at Poison Ivy's apartment)-**

Harley was lying on the couch with her eyes rolling up into her head and her tongue hanging out of her mouth as Dr. Psycho, Clayface, and a fully clothed Red X looked down at her.

**"This is a first. A woman's making that face and I'm not the cause of it," **said the master thief.

"You wanna take her into back for the next hour or so?" asked Psycho.

The disguised Naruto was disgusted by that question, **"What the hell kind of person do you think I am?"**

"So is that a 'yes' or a 'no'?"

Red X sighed and shook his head then asked them, **"How did this happen?"**

Clayface answered and pointed to the claw marks on her thigh, "Magpie scratched poor Harley."

"Then she went down like a ton of bricks," finished Dr. Psycho.

The master thief thought for a second, **"Obviously some kind of poison."**

A fully clothed Poison Ivy came over with a syringe full of light blue liquid in her hand, "Yep and this should fix her up."

She lifted Harley's left arm, stuck the needle into her limb, and injected her before stepping back. It was not long before the blonde with the bleached skin blinked her eyes and withdrew her tongue back into her mouth.

She was soon moving more then she sat up and asked in a groggy voice, "Where the fuck is Magpie?"

"Forget her. What the fuck happened?" asked Ivy.

"That bitch cheap-shot me."

"What?"

Red X answered, **"She got scratched and got poisoned."**

"Yeah," the pale-skinned babe pointed at the redhead, "Ya didn't tell us she had poisonous claws or whatever."

Ivy was confused, "Poisonous claws?"

"Yes, one scratch and Harley was defeated," answered Clayface.

"Well you're lucky you got her to me in time."

"Why's that?" asked Dr. Psycho.

Ivy answered, "That poison was derived from the curare plant. If left unchecked, Harley would have died from suffocation due to her lungs being paralyzed."

"WHAT?!" screamed Harley as the others were shocked from the news.

"Yeah, really nasty stuff."

"And you never told me she uses that stuff?!"

"She didn't. She must have just started using the poison."

**"It must have been really recent because there was nothing like that in her profile,"** said Red X.

"Then how to you explain the retractable nails and able to take a hit from a baseball bat?" asked Dr. Psycho.

"Okay, now I know she never had either of those last time I saw her years ago," said Ivy.

**"Could be some kind of genetic modification. Or sudden mutation," **said the master thief in black.

Harley growled, "Who gives a fuck what it is? I want my jewels."

"Harls, those jewels are gone. You're not getting them. I mean Magpie took you down with just a mere scratch," Ivy pointed out.

"I don't care. I'm gettin' those rocks one way or another. I worked for those, I planned for those. They're mine," the blonde said in a determined tone as she stood up.

"And what's the plan this time? Another pole wrapped in foil?" Psycho asked sarcastically.

The bleached-skin babe picked up her baseball bat and started walking towards the door, "Fuck that. We're takin' the fight to her. We're gonna find her hideout, smash it up, and take back our gems."

"Excellent! A reverse of plans. Another classic albeit predictable move," smirked Clayface.

Harley grinned sadistically, "Damn right. Once I'm done with her, Magpie will be nothing but meat pulp and feathers."

"Okay, eww. And how exactly are you going to find her?" asked Ivy, stepping in front of her roommate.

"From what I can guess, she's somewhere in Gotham."

"That's a start."

"And if she's a bird, that means she nests. Maybe somewhere up high. Like a tower or something."

"Harley, just because her theme is being a bird doesn't mean she takes it to the next level."

"Why not? Batman has the Batcave, Joker has a funhouse, and Riddler has his sphinx. Why can't Magpie have a nest or something?"

"Not all superheroes and supervillains go that extra mile," chimed Dr. Psycho.

Ivy spoke up, "Exactly. I mean you don't see me living in a flower shop or garden."

"You literally have plants all over the place. You're clearly committed to your gimmick," Harley pointed to all the plants in the apartment.

"And not being committed to one's act is a crime in itself," Clayface added.

"Exactly. Thank you, Clayface."

Psycho frowned at the shapeshifter, "Now you're just being a suck-up."

Ivy sighed, "X, can you please help me here?"

She did not get a response.

"X? Babe?"

A second lack of response made everyone look to find Red X sitting on the couch, watching his tablet and doing the occasional scroll.

"X, what are you doing?" asked Harley.

**"Looking for Magpie,"** he replied casually, still looking at his tablet.

"What? Really? How?"

Everyone gathered around as the master thief answered, **"Eagle cams. Gotham City started putting them on almost every high-rise building when bald eagles started showing up and nesting. Some kind of conservation act when it was still a threatened species. But the cameras are still there and active so I figured since you guys said that Magpie traveled by rooftop-"**

"You could find her and her hideout?" Harley grinned excitedly as she stood behind him.

**"I think so,"** he said.

The blonde with the pigtails wrapped her arms around his neck and planted a kiss on the left side of his helmet, "You're the motherfuckin' best."

**"Hold onto that thought 'til I find her,"** Red X scrolled through a video that showed Magpie.

"Why are you even helping us? It's not like you get anything out of it. I thought you were some kind of hero or some shit," said Dr. Psycho.

The master thief scrolled through some more footage, **"Well she almost killed my Harley. That's all the reason I need."**

"Aww," the pale-skinned beauty was touched by those words.

"Such chivalry," said Clayface.

"Oh gag me," grumbled the telepath.

Red X continued to scroll through a few more videos until he said, **"I think I found her."**

"Where? Where, where, where?" Harley asked excitedly.

Her boyfriend enlarged a video showing an apartment complex five blocks away from the Gotham Botanical Gardens then he fast-forwarded it to a spot and let it play like normal. A second passed before Magpie appeared, stepping out onto the rooftop and jumping onto an adjacent building; she started running until she was out of frame.

"There she is," the pale-skinned blonde growled.

"And it's near the botanical gardens. Which explains the curare poison. There's a display of it in the South America exhibit," said Ivy.

Harley released Red X and grabbed her bat, "Time to get our jewels, backs. Let's go boys."

Her and her crew started to leave when the eco-terrorist spoke up, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't be serious about going down there."

The trio of bad guys stopped in their tracks as their pale-skinned leader responded, "Hell yeah I am. I want my jewels."

"You do know that she won't give up the jewels willingly, right? She'll tear you apart to keep them. I'm serious. One time, a guard at Arkham tried to take back the lunch tray she snagged and they got their arm broken in four places and their left ear sliced off."

Harley's two crewmates winced as they covered their left ears in fear of painfully losing them.

Psycho looked over at Clayface, "Why are you covering? You don't have ears."

"I'll have you know that it would still hurt like the dickens," replied the shapeshifter.

The telepath rolled his eyes as Harley replied, "Oh please, I'd like to see her try."

**"Did you also forget about her poisonous nails? What if she scratches you again?" **asked Red X, standing up.

"I won't let her get me again. I got this," the blonde with the pigtails looked at her teammates, "Let's go."

They were about to leave when Ivy groaned, "Stop, stop."

Her words worked in stopping them again then she sighed, "If you're serious about this, you're going to do it prepared this time."

**"Whatcha got in mind, Ivy?"** asked her master thief boyfriend.

The eco-terrorist glared at her best friend and pointed at the couch, "Harley, couch. Sit. Now."

Harley widened her eyes in shock and held up hands in surrender, "Okay."

She did what she was told then the redhead said, "Stay there. I'll be right back."

Ivy looked at Red X, "Make sure she doesn't leave."

He gives the redhead a salute, **"Yes ma'am."**

His nature-loving lover goes to her room then his pale-skinned girlfriend asks him, "What would you do if I leave before she comes back?"

He narrows his eyes at her, **"No sex. For a whole week."**

"I'll be good," Harley says in a small voice.

**-(Two hours later outside Magpie's apartment complex)-**

"We're here," said Harley as she and her crew crossed the street to the front of the building.

"Okay. So we found where she lives but how do we find her?" ask Dr. Psycho.

"I could go undercover and search every room. I even have the perfect character for such an occasion," Clayface transforms into a handsome male janitor, "Meet Jake, a simple common man who only had one dream – to become a janitor. His father raised him due to his mother leaving when he was still so young and his father was too a janitor. They lived a hard-"

"Yeah no, we don't need a character, Clayface. Thank you," said the leader of the trio.

The shapeshifter transformed back into his original form and pouted.

"Then how are we gonna find her?" asked the telepath.

"Follow me," the pale-skinned beauty led them inside into the lobby of the building where the front desk was with a female concierge behind it.

The trio walked up to her and she said, "Hello. Can I help you?"

Harley leaned on the table, "Hi, we're looking for Magpie. Can you tell us which apartment is hers?"

"Seriously?" asked the diminutive villain in a deadpanned voice.

He was shushed as the building employee looked through her computer and said, "I'm sorry but Ms. Magpie has requested to not have visitors unless we are told otherwise."

"Gee, I wonder why," Dr. Psycho asked sarcastically.

His blonde boss just said, "Oh, that's okay. We'll just go and-Psycho, read her mind!"

With a shout, the telepath connected his mind with the concierge's via mental energy beam and read her thoughts.

He soon found what they were looking for, "Magpie's in Room Seven-Sixteen."

The lady concierge was released from his hold as Clayface crossed his arms and frowned, "Hmph, Jake would have done it with more finesse and character."

Harley walked up to her and smirked, "You've been workin' too hard, take a break."

Before she knew what happened, the concierge was knocked out due to a punch to the face then fell to the floor.

"Now for Magpie," said pale-skinned blonde.

On the seventh floor, Harley and her crew were standing in front of the door to Magpie's apartment.

"Think she's out?" asked Psycho.

The blonde babe answered, "Only one way to found out."

She held up her baseball bat and swung it into the door, breaking the lock and knocking it open. The trio enters the rather stylish apartment and was surprised at the numerous arrangements of shiny objects everywhere.

Dr. Psycho looks at a pyramid of non-labeled tin cans, "This broad seems more like a hoarder than a jewel thief or whatever."

"Well her profile did say that Magpie likes the shiny stuff," Harley looks at a crate full of empty wine bottles.

Clayface was admiring some exquisite crystal figures on a shelf, "But at least she has good taste."

"Okay, focus. We need to find those gems. Since she hasn't come in yet, chances are that Magpie's out but no clue when she'll be back. Let's get to work, search everywhere. Go."

With that, the team split up with Harley taking the kitchen and looking through the cabinets and cupboards though all she found were stashes of glassware, metal cooking ware, and utensils. She then started looking into the drawers and was in awe at what she found in there – jewelry. There were rings, necklaces, bracelets, earrings, cufflinks, brooches, pendants, and tiaras.

Harley smirked, "Don't mind if I do."

She started putting some stuff on and making sure it looked good on her.

Clayface took the lid off the tank of the toilet and found plastic bags filled with coins.

"I dread to think the kind of wishes that go into this well," he puts the lid back on and moves onto the medicine cabinet

The shapeshifter opens it to find many glass bottles of perfume then he takes one, gives it a spray, and sniffs the air.

He smiles, "Oh, lovely fragrance."

It was not long before Clayface moved onto the cupboard under the sink and took a look inside to find stashes of keys, clear plastic bottles, metal bottle caps, and Christmas light bulbs.

"Nope," he started to think, "Perhaps if I were to get into the mind of Ms. Magpie, I could succeed at this scavenger hunt."

The shapeshifter transformed into Magpie and thought aloud, "Now where would I put gemstones in this room?"

An idea soon came to his mind and he opened up the clothes hamper, "Aha!"

The only things in there were some dirty clothes.

"Maybe not," Clayface returned to his original form.

In Magpie's bedroom, Dr. Psycho used his mental powers to pull out the dozen metal boxes underneath the bed. He opens them up and lets out a quick scream upon seeing them full of grenades; he calms down upon seeing they still had their pins.

"Holy shit. So this is her bomb stash. Hmmm make we'll take some with us," he grinned at the thought.

The telepath moved onto the nightstand and opened it to find it full of ball bearings and marbles.

"Nothing good here," he closes it before moving onto the dresser.

Psycho starts going through every drawer to only find clothes with the last one holding panties.

He smirked as he picked up one made of black lace, "Huh, didn't think she was the type."

The underwear was returned to its proper place when Clayface came in, "Have you found the object of our pursuit, Psycho?"

His telepath closed the drawer, "No but I did find a shitload of grenades. You?"

"Alas, I have come up empty-handed," answered the shapeshifter.

"Well the only place I haven't looked yet is the closet. So they gotta be in there. C'mon."

The pair went over to the closet, opened it up, and found many clothes as well as countless large containers.

"The jewels have to be in these," said Psycho.

They pulled one out, opened it . . . and found it full of gemstones and jewelry.

"Jackpot!" cheered the telepath.

"Well done!" agreed his shapeshifting teammate.

The diminutive villain wasted no time in calling out to their boss, "Harley! We've found them! In here!"

He and Clayface immediately opened up the other containers, which were also filled with gems and jewelry, before Harley came running in, "You found them?"

"Ha ha! Right here, boss lady," he looked at her, "Why the hell do you look like a jewelry store vomited all over you?"

The bleach-skinned beauty was practically covered from head to toe with jewelry ranging from a couple of tiaras in her hair to gold bands around her ankles.

She struck a pose, "The dumb birdy bitch had them in the kitchen. Figured I'd take a few for my troubles."

It did not take her long to notice the jewels, "Oh fuck yeah!"

"Check out what I also found," Psycho pointed at the grenades.

"Nice," she turned to Clayface, "What did you find, Clayface?"

"Unfortunately, nothing of interest. Except maybe some bags of coins. And some rather exquisite perfume," he answered.

"You know what? Grab 'em. We'll add them to our haul here. She wants to steal my stuff, I'll steal hers," Harley grinned.

They carried some of their haul out into the living room and set it down in front of a window facing the outside street.

Harley opens it and looks out then Psycho asks, "What now?"

She smirks at Clayface, "Clayface, think you can give us a slide?"

He grins proudly, "Ha ha, give me a challenge."

The shapeshifter goes over to the window and transforms into a slide that reaches from there to the street below.

Harley smirks, "There we go."

"Alright, let's just get going," said the telepath then the both of them started loading and sliding the loot down the Clayface-slide.

It took some time but Harley and Dr. Psycho managed to get all of their newly acquired ill-gotten gains out of the apartment before they used the slide to exit the dwelling.

Clayface reverts to his normal form as Harley cheers, "We did it!"

Her two crewmates shouted in joy.

"Okay, let's get the van and load this stuff u-" the pale-skinned blonde was suddenly knocked to the ground from behind.

She got a bloody nose from the impact; she looked behind her to see Magpie on her back, snarling like a lion.

"MY shinies," she growled, elongating the nails on her left hand into claws.

The bird-themed thief was ready to attack but Dr. Psycho used his mental powers to toss her off their boss.

Harley stood up, wiped off the blood, and smirked, "What's the matter, Maggie? Don't like people stealing _your_ stuff?"

"Now that you mentioned it," the nails on Magpie's other hand extended, "I HATE it!"

Psycho was readying a mental energy beam and Clayface transformed his hands into spiked balls but their blonde boss spoke up, "No, she and I have unfinished business."

"Are you positive this time?" asked the shapeshifter.

"Yeah," she stepped forward, "You and me, Magpie. Let's rumble."

It was not long before Magpie charged forward with a yell as Harley readied her baseball bat for a swing and smirked, "Bring it, bitch."

The two villainesses immediately became enthralled in combat with Magpie trying to get a couple of swipes in and Harley swinging her bat, hoping to land a hit. She managed to do so on Magpie's right thigh but the kleptomaniac simply smirked and took the attack.

"Seriously, are you half Superman or something?" complained the pale-skinned babe.

Magpie retaliated with a roundhouse kick that Harley barely avoided before she was forced to use her bat to block some swipes to her face. They were quickly followed up by a kick strike to the stomach that made the blonde double over and open to receiving another to the face; she was returned to a standing position.

The bird-themed thief grinned sadistically, "Gotcha."

She scratched Harley on her right thigh and jumped back so her poison could take effect.

Magpie smirked, "Now to watch you die."

All that happened was Harley smirking back at her, "Nice try."

The kleptomaniac was shocked, "What?"

Magpie wasted no time in charging forward and headbutting her blonde enemy in the face then scratched her left forearm, her upper chest, her right side, and her right cheek. The lady in black stepped back to see if her poison would work like it should be doing . . . but Harley just stood up like normal and smirked.

"Why?" snarled Magpie.

"My friend Ivy gave me a little something to counter your curare poison, she's kind of a genius about poisons and shit like that. So scratch all you want, it won't make a difference," the bleached skin beauty casually said.

The kleptomaniac bird let out a shout and, again, ran towards Harley who got baseball bat ready; the two women became enthralled in combat once more. The aspiring supervillainess let loose many powerful swings that could break bone but her foe in black took the hits and retaliated with swiping with her claw-like nails.

Off to the sides, Dr. Psycho and Clayface watched the whole thing as the telepath said, "Some intense catfight."

"Indeed," replied the shapeshifter.

"If we had some mud, we could probably make a little money on the side," he gets an idea and looks at his crewmate, "Hey, turn into a mud puddle and get underneath those two."

"Absolutely not."

"Why not?!"

"Such a role is beneath me and my talents. I have my dignity."

"You're a fucking blob of clay! It's hardly a stretch and you wouldn't have to do anything!"

"Exactly! A simple puddle of mud? What kind of motivation is that?"

"Your motivation is to make money by exploiting two scanty-dressed women! That's all you need to know!"

"Hmph, such basic character. Come back to me when you have something stronger," Clayface turns away from him.

"For fuck's sake!" shouted Dr. Psycho.

Back with the combating ladies, Harley managed to somersault over Magpie and get her in a neck hold using her bat before trying to choke her. The thief in black stomped on Harley's right foot, driving in her heel so the blonde would shout in pain then followed up with a backwards headbutt into her foe's face. Her attack combination succeeded in separating herself from the pale-skinned woman then she delivered a right jab to her face.

Harley stumbled and growled, "Ah! You piece of shit."

She wasted no time in raising her bat and rushing forward before delivering a powerful strike to the left side of Magpie's face. The attack made her stumble backwards a bit then glare at the blonde who soon noticed the small trickle of blood coming from her mouth.

"So you can be hurt," smirked the Joker's ex.

Magpie just wiped away the blood and grinned sinisterly, "I'm going to pluck out your eyeballs and add them to my shinies."

"Come and get 'em," Harley readied her baseball bat.

The bird-themed thief lunged at her but the blonde moved out of the way and swung her bat into her enemy's lower back, right on the spine. Her attack made the kleptomaniac stumble a little before she turned around and made another lunge for the blonde with the pigtails. She had her claws ready to sink into her foe though they never did due to the aspiring villainess striking the side of her head with the piece of sports equipment like before. And just like before, the attack resulted in some blood coming out of Magpie's mouth.

The thief in black did not have time to evaluate her situation since Harley decided to upswing her baseball bat into her chin, resulting in more blood gushing from Magpie's mouth.

"Bet that hurt. Huh, Maggie?" smirked the mocking blonde.

Magpie only responded by yelling in anger and lunging forward but Harley somersaulted over her and swung her bat into the thief's right shoulder. She soon followed it up with another attack to the left side of the head and kicking the back of the right knee to knock her foe to the ground. Before the bird-themed villainess could get up, the blonde with the pigtails swung her blunt weapon into Magpie's face and knocked her onto her back as well as knocking her out.

Harley sneered down at her, "Nobody fucks with Harley Quinn."

She spat at the downed thief and walked over to her crew who were cheering for their boss' victory.

Clayface gave her applause, "Bravo, Harley! Bravo!"

"Not bad, blondie. Not bad at all," praised Dr. Psycho.

Harley was panting a bit, "Okay, okay. Clayface, get the van and let's load and get out of here."

The shapeshifter left to do his job when something soon clicked in her mind, "Oh Psycho, turn around for me."

"Huh?"

"Just do it."

The telepath shrugged before doing what was asked then Harley slapped the back of his head.

"OW! What the fuck was that for?!" Psycho glared at her, rubbing the spot where he was hit.

"That's for wantin' to turn me into a mud wrestling attraction. Yeah, I heard ya," she scowled as their van backed up to their location.

Psycho frowned, "It would have been a perfect cash cow too! If only the walking turd would have just went along with the idea."

Clayface arrived and opened the back as he heard the conversation, "He wanted me to play a one-dimensional prop. I would never stoop so low."

"A mud puddle doesn't need dimensions, you diva!" Psycho picked up some of their loot with his mind.

Harley did the same except with her arms, "Just load the van."

The trio began doing just that as the telepath kept grumbling, "Oh like it would have been such a stretch for you. With your motif."

"What are you talkin' about?" she asked.

"The whole prostitute theme you have going on."

"WHAT?!" Harley angrily pushed a jewel container into the van.

"I mean look at you. You're showing a lot of skin, your outfit barely leaves anything to the imagination. You're obviously hoping to use your body to distract your enemies, right?" the telepath placed a couple of the grenade boxes inside.

"It's for maneuverability when I do my gymnastics! And it shows my independence as my own woman and as a supervillain. And it's a clown motif! I'm supposed to be a clown, maybe a jester."

"Nah, sorry. Don't see it," dismissed Psycho as he kept loading up the back of the van.

"I'm afraid I must agree with Psycho here, Harley. Your character does not scream 'clown' or 'jester'. Perhaps if you were to add a red nose, a neck ruffle, a scepter, or perhaps one of those hats with the bells?" suggested Clayface as they finished loading the last of the loot.

"I'm not gonna degrade myself to that. I gave up that crap once I left Joker. And FYI, he doesn't wear that shit and people understand that _he's_ a clown."

"Yeah but he has green hair, red lips, an evil cackle, and clownesque props. You just have a baseball bat and a revealing outfit," said Dr. Psycho, shrugging.

With a growl, Harley shut the back doors, "Shut up and let's go."

The trio of bad guys got in the van and drove away with their boss in the driver's seat, leaving the unconscious Magpie on the street . . . where her eyes suddenly opened.

The Harley crew started driving across a stone bridge overlooking a river, headed for Poison Ivy's apartment to celebrate their accomplishment though it was beginning early in the van.

Dr. Psycho was scooping through one of the gems containers in the back and cackling, "We're so fuckin' rich!"

Clayface was trying on some of the jewelry when Harley grinned, "Yeah, we are! And this is just the beginning. I have _big_ plans for us. And I know exactly what our next heist should be."

Despite being covered in scratches and blood, she was reveling in her victory.

"Please tell me it's going to make us richer."

"And will it possibly have characters with more depth than a puddle?" asked Clayface, mocking his diminutive associate.

"Will you just shut up already?" growled the telepath.

Their boss smiled, "Yes and maybe. Haha, just wait 'til Ivy and X see-"

Suddenly, a loud thud came from the top of the van.

"What was-?" Harley was interrupted from the sound of the roof being punctured and ripped open to reveal a furious Magpie baring her teeth and bleeding from the mouth.

"Holy fuck!" cried out Dr. Psycho.

"She has returned!" Clayface pointed dramatically at her.

The bird-themed thief dropped into the vehicle and glared at the two of them, "MY! SHINIES!"

After a quick squeak of fear, the shapeshifter took off all the jewelry he was playing with before the intruder lunged for the jewels.

"Don't let her get 'em!" ordered Harley as she kept driving.

Psycho was readying a mental energy beam but Magpie kicked him in the face and sent him flying into the front passenger seat with a bloody nose.

Harley saw this then called out, "Get her, Clayface!"

"Yes, ma'am," said the shapeshifter then his hands turned into hammers.

He engaged Magpie in combat by swinging at her but his attacks were dodged then she leapt at him, clung onto his chest, and drove two of her extended claws into his eyes; he screamed.

Psycho saw what happened, "Fucking hell!"

Harley glanced into the rearview mirror and saw the same thing, "Holy shit!"

The poor blob of clay could only yell and flail about as Magpie dug into his eye sockets some more until he fell onto his back and she pulled out. He whimpered for a moment before his eyes reformed and he calmed down.

"That was certainly a less-than-pleasant sensation," he said.

"I should have fuckin' known," grumbled Psycho.

"It still hurt!" protested Clayface before Magpie yelled, grabbed his head, and ripped it off.

She tossed him away and he landed on the dashboard.

He frowned, "Now that was just rude."

The bird-themed thief proceeded to rip his body apart then Harley said to her crew, "I'll take care of her. Psycho, drive."

"Me? I can't reach the pedals!" protested the telepath.

The blonde grabbed Clayface's head and dropped it by the pedals as she took her foot off the accelerator, "Clayface, work the pedals."

"I shall play my part," the shapeshifter said proudly before extending his tongue and pressing down on the pedal.

Harley climbed out of the driver's seat and crawled towards the back as Psycho took her place and drove the van. She made it to her destination to find Magpie still ripping Clayface's body to pieces but stopped upon seeing her.

"Looks like it's time for round three, Maggie!" Harley charged forth with her baseball bat at the ready.

She swung at Magpie who dodged the attack and responded by trying to drive her claws into Harley's midriff but that too was evaded and followed up by a bat to the face. The strike was strong enough to cause the kleptomaniac in black to fall onto the grenade containers and knock some of them open. She looked down and saw the explosives before grinning and grabbing one.

Harley made her way over as she readied her bat and smirked, "Bye-bye, pretty birdie."

She was about to swing when Magpie held up the grenade then pulled the pin out and dropped it back with the others, grinning in a deranged manner the whole time.

Harley's eyes grew to the size of dinner plates, "Grenade! Abandon van!"

Immediately after saying that, Harley ran and jumped out of the van with Dr. Psycho doing the same followed by Clayface whose reformed body grabbed his head and leapt for it. The ditched vehicle started to veer off to the right and crashes through the bridge's railing and plummeted into the river.

Still inside the van, Magpie scooped up some of her gems and gazed at them lovingly, "Shiny, shiny."

The vehicle soon crashed into the water and started to sink . . . then the grenade went off and blew up the other explosives, destroying everything in a cloud of fire. Harley and her crew rushed over and saw the burning van disappear into river.

"Good Lord," Clayface exclaimed in a hushed voice.

Psycho said, "I guess this means we need a new van."

The trio of bad guys soon hears something land behind them and they looked to see it was a silver ring with a one-half carat diamond; Harley goes over and picks it up.

She sighs, "Shit."

**-(Later Back at Poison Ivy's Apartment)-**

Sitting on the couch to the right of Harley, Red X pours some iodine on a cotton ball and starts to gently wipe it against the scratch on her right cheek; she hisses from the burning and stinging.

**"Easy, Harley. I got ya,"** he said, still cleaning her wound.

His blonde girlfriend sighs, "Thanks."

She and her crew sat around the coffee table where their single piece of loot laid.

"Surely it must be worth something," suggested Clayface.

Dr. Psycho responded with a snarl, "Are you fucking stupid?! Look at it! It's a single ring with a tiny diamond! Even if we cash it in, it's probably only worth less than four hundred bucks!"

Harley picks up the ring and frowns at it, "A single. Fuckin'. Ring. All that work . . . and that's all we got to show for our efforts."

She drops it back onto the coffee table as Red X dresses the scratch on her cheek with a gauze pad and some medical tape.

The blonde with the pigtails groans, "This was a disaster. Maybe I should have just had us rob the stores themselves and saved ourselves the trouble."

Ivy comes over with a tray of medical supplies and sits next to Harley's left, "Hey, hey, come on, Harls. It was a really good effort. Things just went sideways."

She starts to clean up the scratch on her roommate's left forearm as their shared boyfriend added, **"Ivy's right. Magpie was just an unexpected surprise. You did great."**

Harley could not help smiling from his words, "Thanks-ow!"

"Sorry," said Ivy, applying some iodine onto the scratch.

"Speaking of that batshit crazy bird, think she's gone for good?" asked Psycho.

The eco-terrorist dresses her friend's wound, "No clue. I know you guys said she was tough but I doubt she could survive an explosion."

Harley groaned, "I really hope the Legion of Doom doesn't hear about this. The last thing I need is for them to know about me losing my loot to another villain."

Red X points to the television, **"Something tells me you don't have to worry about that. Look."**

Ivy turns up the volume as they watch Tawny Young reporting in front of the armored truck that was originally transporting the jewels, _"Found earlier this morning, the armored truck that normally brings Gotham City the jewels for its stores was robbed and the guards found unconscious."_

The camera follows the blonde reporter as she goes over to the guard known as Jackson who had his helmet off and was sitting on the sidewalk.

_"Mr. Jackson, can you please tell us who did this?"_ asked Tawny.

He answered, _"It was Harley Quinn and her crew. They took us out and took the jewels."_

_"You heard it here, people. Harley Quinn and her crew robbed the armored truck many other supervillains tried and failed to rob. Looks like Harley could be the strongest up-and-coming supervillain we have seen in a long time and a possible new candidate to join the Legion of Doom with such an impressive feat under her belt."_

"Holy shit! Did you guys hear that?" Harley grinned.

Ivy smiled, "Yeah."

"'An impressive feat'. I mean the robbery was jacked and we lost our entire haul but I still impressed people. The Legion has gotta notice this."

**"Fuck yeah, they will. I'm proud of you, babe," **Red X's mouth became uncovered and he planted a kiss on her cheek.

"There is still one thing that puzzles me – how did Magpie steal the jewels before we did?" asked Clayface.

"Yeah. They didn't mention that crazy chick on T.V. How the hell did she beat us to the punch?" asked Dr. Psycho.

Red X recovered his mouth then answered, **"I actually looked into that on some of the footage from last night. Turns out Magpie snuck into the Archie Goodwin International Airport where the jewels were being held and snuck them out. She must have swapped them for the grenades while she was there too."**

"Makes sense," said the telepath.

"Agreed," said the shapeshifter.

It was then something came to Haley's mind and she looked to her shred boyfriend, "Hey babe, last time you swooped in and helped us. But not this time. How come?"

Psycho crossed his arms and growled, "Yeah. We could have used the extra muscle. And protection. Like a shit-ton of it!"

Red X ignored the angry short person and answered his blonde girlfriend, **"Well Harley, I felt it was best to let you do this on your own. There will be times when I cannot be around so I thought you should handle things. And look what happened. You took down one of Gotham's most notorious thieves and got one step closer to the Legion of Doom. I knew you would do great."**

The bleached-skin babe was touched, "Awww babe."

"Oh gag me," the diminutive villain grumbled before standing up, "Anyway, I better get going. Gotta start moving my shit out of the house."

"Huh?" asked Harley.

"After the divorce was finalized, Giganta kicked me out, gained full custody of our kid, and is selling the place. Now I gotta get my stuff before that bitch throws it away."

Psycho starts making his way out when Clayface called out, "I will walk out with you. I have some business to attend to as well."

"You too?" their blonde boss asked.

"Yes. I need to ask my landlord for an extension on my rent. I quit my bartending job to join the crew," answered the blob of clay.

He and his cohort walked towards the door when Harley got an idea and stood up, "Fuck that! You two are moving into here."

"Wait what?" asked Ivy.

"Joker had his crew live in his funhouse so my crew is gonna do the same in my apartment," grinned the blonde with the pigtails.

"Excuse me, _your_ apartment?"

Harley sat back down and turned to her best friend, "Please Ive, please. They're my crew. It's only right."

She started giving the puppy-dog eyes to the redhead who caved in after one second, "Fine."

The trio of bad guys cheered then the pale-skinned blonde stood up again, "Alright, now onto our next heist. I'm thinking bank robbery, a big one. And if we do everything right, we could walk away with a million dollars or more-ow!"

She looked down at her right side and saw Red X trying to clean the scratches on it with some iodine on a cotton ball.

He just shrugged and said, **"Sorry."**

* * *

**And that was chapter three! Hope you all liked it.**


	4. Ch 4 - Finding Mr Right

**Here it is, the much awaited fourth chapter of 'Harley Quinn's Red Mark'! Enjoy!**

* * *

Chapter 4: Finding Mr. Right

Poison Ivy whistled as she cleaned the glass top of her coffee table while her mutant plants vacuumed the rug, scrubbed the floor, and generally tidied up the apartment. They were not the only ones as Naruto, in his Red X gear except his helmet was on a nearby table, was pitching in too by cleaning the windows; he soon finished the last one.

Ivy fluffed a pillow when her boyfriend looked around and said, "I know your whole thing is controlling plants but you have some serious cleaning skills."

He walks over to her, "I wish I had a fraction of it years ago."

"Oh yeah, your legit bachelor pad. You were so embarrassed, it was so cute," Ivy chuckled, recalling the first time she saw his apartment and the mess it was.

He could not resist blushing a bit, "Yeah . . ."

His green-skinned girlfriend placed the pillow on the couch then she felt him wrap his arms around her waist and place his chin on her shoulder; she could not resist leaning back into him.

"Ya know . . . if you ever decide to retire from being a supervillain/eco-terrorist and choose to, you'd make someone one hell of a wife," he smiled a little.

His suggestion intrigued her, "Oh really?"

She turned around, wrapped her arms around him, and smirked, "And whom would I be married to?"

"Oh I don't know. Maybe some lucky person who knows just how incredible you are."

Naruto leans in to kiss her but she backs her head away, "We shouldn't. The others might be back soon."

"My rose, Harley and her crew are robbing a bank. I'm sure they'll be gone for a while. We won't be disturbed."

He captures her lips in a passionate kiss that she immediately returned and they soon find themselves lying on the couch as their hands started wandering over each other's bodies. Things would have gotten more heated if not for Harley and her crew coming in, cheering and carrying in the spoils of their endeavors. Naruto was forced to get off of Ivy and vault over the couch; she realized what just happened then groaned and stood up.

Harley came over with a huge duffel bag full of money and an even bigger grin on her face, "Who has two hands covered in unwashable ink? Uh, this girl! We just made that bank our bitch!"

Dr. Psycho and Clayface join her in the living room as she joyfully drops the bag onto the coffee table, smashing it in the half.

"Dude! That was a noguchi coffee table!" yelled Ivy.

**"And you just clean it too,"** said Naruto, leaning over the couch and now wearing his helmet.

"Sorry. But hey!" she pulls out a stack of cash, "Now you can buy a bunch of 'em!"

The bleached-skin blonde started mirthfully throwing money at Ivy and chanting 'guch'.

"You know you can just _hand_ me some money, you don't have to make it rain," said her redhead best friend.

**"Yet it's quite the enticing sight,"** said the master thief in black.

"It's noguchi!" Harley threw the rest of the stack into the air.

Ivy sighed, "I'm going to go make some nettles tea."

She went into the kitchen as her blonde roommate kept speaking, "Oh man, this was our best. Heist. Yet! And we hit the perfect tone! Like, okay, everyone in the bank was super scared of us but like not so much that they weren't also delighted when I just cartwheeled out!"

Red X eye-smiled and applauded his girlfriend, **"Nice, very nice."**

Harley turned and gave him a quick bow, "Thank you, thank you. And I'm sure everybody on the news is talkin' about it."

"I hope we didn't miss too much of the coverage," said Clayface as he grabbed the remote and turned on the television.

What came on the screen was the Channel 6 news and it featured a male reporter on the street saying, _"Batman stops Joker from robbing the credit union."_

"Credit union? That's just a poor person bank! We robbed a real one with a vault and money and predatory lending practices!" protested Dr. Psycho.

Harley came over, "No, the news probably did us first. Here, try Channel 7."

Clayface switches to the next channel which was, unfortunately, reporting the same story with a reporter saying, _"And Batman foils-"_

She groans and takes the remote, "Just let me look."

The aspiring supervillainess looks through a couple of different channels but they too were recapping the story about Batman and Joker, much to her disappointment.

"We-we're the most compelling story so they're probably saving us for last," said the shapeshifter, trying to keep the others' hopes up.

Harley turned the television to Channel 5 where a blonde anchorwoman was speaking, _"And now our last and most compelling story."_

"Enter, us!" Clayface pulls out his cellphone and gets ready to take a selfie for his social media.

"Turn up the volume!" shouts Psycho excitedly.

"It's about damn time," growls Harley.

Ivy brings her tea and rejoins the group along with Red X then they all watch the news report.

_"A cardboard box of baby ferrets has finally been returned to their rightful owners," _tells the newswoman and shows a picture of white baby ferrets in a cardboard box.

"Oh boy," muttered Ivy.

With an angry shout, Harley throws the remote at the screen and shatters it.

"You have been here two weeks and you have destroyed _nine_ TVs," said the redhead.

The blonde sighed, "Sorry. I'm just pissed. Why aren't they talkin' about us?"

She sat next to Clayface as he said, "It should be _our_ faces on that screen! _We_ should be those ferrets!"

**"They were cute though,"** chuckled Red X.

"You guys, like, realize you're committing serious felonies, right? Like, you actually don't want people to know who you are," said Ivy to the group of bad guys.

Harley got to thinking, "Or-"

Her best friend sat down beside her, "No, no 'or'. I just gave you great advice."

"But there's only one thing stopping us from being front page news – no one's trying to stop us!"

"Of course!" shouts Clayface then he transforms his hands into miniature statues of the Dark Knight and the Clown Prince of Crime, "Joker has Batman and suddenly a simple crime becomes a thrilling narrative between two titans."

"Exactly! We need a nemesis! Lex Luthor has Superman, Sinestro has Green Lantern, Psycho has his own inability to refrain from using he c-word-"

"My nemesis is Wonder Woman, that cu-okay, I see what you're saying," said Psycho.

"That's it then! I need a nemesis! Great advice, Ive," thanked Harley.

Ivy tries to protest, "No, that's one hundred percent not-"

"And I know exactly how to do it. I just need my laptop," the blonde goes to do just that.

The eco-terrorist sighed and facepalmed as did her shared boyfriend.

**"This is gonna end in a mess, isn't it?"** he asked.

She replied, "Yep."

**-(One day later)-**

Harley was on her laptop computer in the living room with Dr. Psycho who was reading a magazine and eating chips on the couch while Clayface was on a stool behind her, having a bowl of cereal. The whole place was a mess; Red X was trying to tidy up the kitchen a bit because Ivy asked him and he felt sorry for her having to deal with her new messy roommates.

"Alrighty, so our profile page on has been up for a day and we have . . . zero messages?!" Harley groaned at seeing the results.

An angry Poison Ivy entered the room, "Clayface!"

She points a hairbrush covered in gunk at him, "Did you use my hairbush?"

Some of the muck falls onto the countertop near the shapeshifter, slithers over, and melds into his body before he looked away, "No."

Red X walks into the living room, holding up a pair of wet boxers, **"And why were these in the kitchen sink?"**

"Well I had to soak them somewhere," argued Psycho.

The master thief drops the damp garment onto the floor, **"Dude, the laundromat's right down the street."**

"Eh, the sink was closer," the telepath goes back to eating chips and reading his magazine.

"What the hell? You guys are messing up my apartment!" Ivy shouts at her two new roommates, throwing her now-ruined hairbrush to the floor.

"Your apartment?!" shouted a voice from outside the door.

It slid open to reveal Sy Borgman, Ivy's elderly and wheelchair-bound landlord with a cybernetic right arm and left leg, "It's _my_ apartment! And if your dirty circus freak friends keep messin' it up, I'm kickin' ya out! You know the rules – no pets, no noise, no commies, no d-"

The eco-terrorist shuts the door on him, "I don't know if he was gonna get racist there but it felt like that's where it was headed."

"I thought robots were supposed to be helpful," said Clayface as he took his cereal and bowl to the couch.

"Right?" agreed Harley.

She remembered meeting the old man for the first time when she officially moved in with Ivy and it was something worth forgetting.

"He's not a robot, he's a disabled person," sighed the redhead as Dr. Psycho walked past her to get to the kitchen.

**"A cranky one too,"** added Red X.

Ivy looks at Clayface lounging on the couch, "Anyway, you stained all my carpeting."

She turns to Psycho who was getting a soda from the fridge, "And you came home drunk and tried to mind-control the microwave and burnt a hole through the countertop."

"That microwave knows what it said!" the telepath closes the fridge and glares at the broken microwave.

There was a knock at the door and Ivy answers, "Dammit, Sy! I will move the trash bins-oh my god!"

Standing in the doorway was a humanoid great white shark wearing a blue hoodie, red cargo pants, and sneakers; Harley, Red X, and Psycho were shocked by the visitor. The shark-man enters the apartment with the redhead eco-terrorist backing up then summoning a pair of huge thorn-covered vines. Red X and Harley soon jumped in front to protect her before the latter swung her baseball bat onto the shark's head, breaking her weapon in the progress.

"Ow?" the aquatic creature said.

Clayface quickly got in between them and smiled, "Harley! Oh, oh oh, this is a classic misunderstanding. Bat down, bat down. This is King Shark."

"Howdy," greeted King Shark in a friendly tone.

"Hacker extraordinaire and, perhaps more pertinent, social media maven."

"Uh, this giant, terrifying, half-man, half-shark is a computer whiz?" asked Harley, dropping her broken weapon as Ivy and Red X relaxed.

Dr. Psycho came over once he saw it was safe as Clayface continues to introduce his associate, "I don't like to brag but he took me from eight social media followers to eight . . . teen! Bravo! I called him to solve our nemesis problem."

"Mmm I'm guessing you're the one having trouble finding a nemesis," King Shark said to Harley.

"Well, we put the profile up and we're not gettin' any bites," she said.

"Is that a shark joke?" he asked menacingly, baring his teeth.

The blonde with the bleached skin cowered a little as she grabbed Red X's arm.

Suddenly, the shark-man grinned, "If so, it's very funny. Hahahaha. Now scooch, let me take a look at that profile."

He goes over to Harley's laptop, puts on a pair of nose-resting reading glasses, and gets to work as the villainous trio joins him.

"Hmm. Okay, now here's your first problem – you're not using any of the right keywords. I'll hack into the mainframe and get you featured," King starts typing away.

"How long's this going to take?" asks Dr. Psycho.

A 'bing' sound comes from the laptop, "There you go. Got your first match."

The shark-man turns the laptop towards the crew of villains and shows them the profile.

"Who the hell is Tommy Tomorrow?"

"He's got a personalized ray gun."

Clayface takes a look, "He says he's looking for something casual. Someone to fight on the weekends."

Harley did not like the sound of that and walks away, "I am not settling for Tommy Tomorrow. I wanna nemesis-up!"

"You're not gonna find any A-listers on here. There's no Batman," said King Shark.

This gave her an idea, "Or . . . we _get_ Batman."

Ivy heard that idea, "Batman? You have fought him countless times and every time, ya end up at Arkham."

She was tidying up the living room once again with a little help from Red X.

"I know another way and by the end of it, Bats will be our nemesis," the blonde grinned excitedly.

"I don't know," said Psycho.

Clayface agreed with him, "Unlikely."

"Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes," her grin got a little bigger.

**"Well whatever it is you plan on doing, you're gonna have to do it without me. I actually should be going,"** said Red X, putting down the trash bin he was putting garbage into.

"Okay-what wait? You're leaving? But it's not even 9," complained the lady clown.

Her master thief boyfriend started making his way towards the door, **"Sorry but I got a mission. I gotta leave in the morning."**

"Aww," pouted Harley.

Ivy goes over to him, "Well, be careful and do your job right."

She gives him a hug then leans in close and whispers, "Take me with you. Please."

Harley soon comes over and gives him a hug too, "I'll miss you."

Red X chuckles a little, **"I'll be back tomorrow. You'll barely notice I'm gone."**

He reluctantly separates from his girlfriends, **"And when I get back, there's some good news I have to tell ya."**

"Okay," said his redhead lover.

The babe with the bleached skin gave him a little wave, "Missin' ya already, X."

The master thief goes over to the door, **"See ya."**

He nods to Harley's crew, "Psycho, Clayface, later."

He glances at King Shark, "King Shark, nice meeting ya."

"You too," the shark-man grins.

Red X finally leaves.

"Was that really Red X?" asked the humanoid aquatic creature.

"Indeed," answered the shapeshifter.

"Wow!"

"Just watch your back around him," added the paranoid telepath.

He turns to his blonde boss, "So Harley, what was this plan you were mentioning?"

Harley responds with a mischievous grin.

**-(On the streets of Gotham City)-**

The world-renowned Batmobile sped down the road but instead of the Caped Crusader behind the wheel, it was a cackling Harley Quinn as she drove the vehicle through a fruit cart and a fire hydrant. All the chaos she caused attracted the attention of four police patrol cars and they soon gave chase; she took notice of them on the screen on the Batmobile's dashboard. The blonde with the bleached skin decided it was time to have a little fun so she pushed a button on the left side of the console but it just turned on the windshield wipers. She tried the button below it yet it only made the headlights blink a few times.

Harley started to catch on and pushed a button on the right side of the console and out from the back of the Batmobile fell out a cluster of tire spikes that took out one of her pursuers.

"Ha!" she pressed another button.

This one released the Batmobile's parachute that draped over another patrol car and caused it to drive off the road, leaving only two cars left.

The Batman's face appeared on the dashboard's screen, "You've crossed the line, Quinn. You're going to Arkham for goo-"

"Buh-bye," Harley turned off the screen before driving into a construction site.

She smirks at the unfinished building in the middle of the area then pushed a red button on the steering wheel that caused the driver's side paneling to open up. Four small rockets immediately flew out and sent themselves straight towards the incomplete project, exploding upon impact and making iron girders rain down. They landed behind her and cut off the police's chase thus allowing her to escape into a nearby service tunnel.

"Yeah!" cheered Harley upon seeing she was in the clear.

Harley drove the Batmobile towards a meat-processing plant located in the outskirts of a downtown business district; the building's loading doors opened to reveal Dr. Psycho and Clayface waiting inside. They cowered in fear of being ran over but luckily for them, their blonde boss stopped the vehicle in time.

She stood up and shouted, "Ta-da!"

Her crewmates were amazed at what she had done with Psycho asking, "How the hell did you pull this off?"

Harley flipped out of the Batmobile then pulled out her cellphone, "The car's voice activated. So I took some recordings of Bats' voice and spliced 'em together."

She tapped the screen and Batman's voice started playing, _"Open. Batmobile. Allow. Harley. To. Drive."_

"He also said . . . " the blonde presses again.

_"I. Definitely. Make. Love. To. Bats."_

"Ha!"

"Heavens to Murgatroyd, he admits it!" said Clayface.

Suddenly a grappling hook wrapped a rope around his body and he was hoisted into the air.

Dr. Psycho grins, "Ha ha! The signature grappler! The bat-eth hath arrived-eth!"

"Success! Ha ha!" cheered the shapeshifter as he hung and slowly spun around in the air like a piñata at a party.

"Stop talking, I gotta make an evil first impression. Shit! I shoulda thought of an opening line," Harley soon posed like an experienced supervillain, "Uh, good after-doom? Pleasure to beat ya?"

A shadowy figure with glowing white eyes landed on one of the ceiling rafters and glared down at the supervillains that were excited to fight the Dark Knight. However, that excitement went away when the unknown person stood up and they turned out to be Robin, the Boy Wonder.

"What the?!" shouted Harley.

"Not so fast, losers!" he yelled at them.

"Oh, come on," groaned Psycho.

"Robin, what are you doing here? Where's Batman?" asked the annoyed blonde.

"You think Batman has time to deal with you guttersnipes?" Robin jumps down from his perch, "You're lucky I even showed up."

"Oh, was Batman too busy doin' this?" she touched her phone's screen and held it up.

_"I. Definitely. Make. Love. To. Bats,"_ the recording said again.

"Shut up and battle me, nards," demanded the kid in the costume.

Dr. Psycho facepalmed, "Oh god, last week I was in the _fucking_ Legion of Doom and now this is my life."

"We're not battlin' a 12 year-old from the fuckin' Ren Faire," said Harley.

"I was raised by an elite group of assassins from birth. And you're a clown. And an old one at that. What are you? 30?" Robin insulted back at her.

Shocked at being called 'old', she could only watch as the costumed pre-teenager dropped down and try to sweep her legs but ended up kicking her in her left calf.

"OW! You little shit!" Harley flipped over him, grabbed him, and hung him up by the seat of his pants on the closest meat hook.

"Hey! What are you doing? Put me down!" the Boy Wonder wriggled about like a worm used for fishing bait.

"Tell Batman we're coming for him," growled the blonde and she was about to leave when she glared back at him, "and FYI . . . I'M ONLY 26!"

With that said, Harley and Dr. Psycho started to walk away and were soon joined by Clayface, who managed to ooze out of his confinement, and left Robin there to hang.

**-(The following morning)-**

"Well Tawny, then Harley said, 'I'm coming for you'. 'Course then we had a huge battle," said Robin, 'retelling' the 'events' of last night to Tawny and her live studio audience.

"Mm-hmm," hummed Tawny as she listened to his tall tale.

"Tons of punching."

"Mmm!"

"Some lasers, lotta lasers."

"Boy, stop it!" the blonde was enjoying the story.

"When I beat her butt, that's when she asked me to be her nemesis."

Now she and the audience were stunned and impressed with the latter soon bursting into applause.

"Your first nemesis at just 12 years-old. Now, are you a little sweet potato pie? 'Cause I could just eat you up!" the television reporter grinned.

"Yeah, I'm a little sweet potato pie," the Boy Wonder battered his eyes in a cute fashion.

"Oh! He's just so cute!" she squealed.

The special guest just looked at the camera and gave a smirk.

* * *

At the apartment, the Harley crew, Ivy, and King Shark were watching the show.

"Ah. I gotta tell ya, I think he's adorable," said the green-skinned redhead.

Harley was certainly not charmed by the boy and bared her teeth like a mad dog then, with a yell, brought her baseball bat down onto the glass top of Ivy's new coffee table, smashing it to pieces.

"You know what, this one's on me. I shoulda known that this was gonna put you in a smashy mood," the eco-terrorist went to go get a broom.

"Robin's lying. Why would I fight a kid? I want a nemesis with some hair on their chest!" shouted Harley.

"Well that rules out Batman," Ivy chuckles, "Catwoman says he waxes everything."

She and one of her mutant plants start cleaning up the mess as her blonde best friend speaks again, "You know what? It's gonna be fine. Maybe this story will run one news cycle and be gone."

"I don't think so," said King Shark while looking at Harley's laptop, "You just got a Google alert for an article from _the_ Lois Lane. And the headline is . . . never mind."

"Let me see that!" Harley takes her computer and reads the headline aloud, "'Harley Quinn Fights Child, Sets Evil Women's Movement Back Decades'."

She gasps deeply then Clayface says, "Well, the headline is clickbait but I bet the article itself is more positive."

"Really? You think that?" asked Ivy sarcastically.

"Ah shit! It's behind a paywall," Harley growls then turns to her crewmates, "Does anyone have a login for the Daily Planet?"

Dr. Psycho answers, "Nope, I already burned through my five free articles."

"I can't subscribe to another thing. My inbox is already swollen," said Clayface as he got up and went into the kitchen to get himself a snack.

"Well I'm not payin' $7.99 a month to see shit like this!" cried out Harley, tossing her laptop into the air.

King Shark caught it as the sadistic telepath suggested aloud, "Let's just kill her."

His blonde boss started thinking again, "Or-"

"No. No more 'or'," interrupted Ivy as she was getting ready to clean some more.

"Or we kidnap her and make her retract the article."

"You can't fuck with Lois Lane, people. What if Superman comes?"

"Great. Then I'll have the most powerful nemesis in the world."

"Oh, brother," the redhead sighed.

It was then Harley's cellphone started ringing then she pulled it out and looked to see who was calling.

A huge grin appeared on her face, "It's Red!"

"Well answer it. And put him on speaker," Ivy came over to her.

Her blonde friend did just that then said into the phone, "Hey babe."

"Hi," the eco-terrorist greeted as well.

_**"Hi ladies. How are things?"**_ Red X asked on the other end.

Ivy decided to answer, "Well since you asked-"

"Things are fine, just fine," Harley interrupted her, "So how's the mission goin'?"

Sounds of gunfire came from the cellphone then he answered, _**"Oh it's going just fine. Typical stuff, ya know."**_

An explosion was suddenly heard before he spoke again, _**"Anyway, I was calling to congratulate you, Harley. I heard the news. I know he's no Batman but Robin's not a bad first nemesis."**_

"No, babe, he's lying. He's not my nemesis," Harley replies.

_**"Seriously?"**_

"Seriously."

_**"Huh . . . that's kind of a shame. Since-"**_ gunshots interrupted him, _**"Hold on, Harley. I gotta snap a guy's neck."**_

It was not long before the sounds of fighting came from the phone followed by grunting, growling, and bones cracking; the last actually turned Harley on a little.

_**"Sorry about that."**_

"That's okay," the blonde managed to calm herself down.

_**"Anyway, I thought it was rather fitting for you two to be nemeses. The Joker's former sidekick battling with the Boy Wonder on a regular basis. It's like a Saturday morning cartoon or something."**_

"Well sorry, sweetie but he's not my nemesis and vise-versa. And there won't be any cartoon," said the pale-skinned babe.

_**"Damn. That's a shame,**__"_ another round of gunfire followed Red X's words.

"Hold on, how did you even find out about it?" asked Ivy.

_**"I follow the Daily Planet. I got the alert for Lois Lane's new article."**_

"You read the Daily Planet?"

_**"Well I do live in Metropolis. So why wouldn't I? Plus I like Lois Lane's articles,"**_he said before the sounds of fighting came over the phone.

Haley smirks, "Oh really? You sure it's her _articles_ you like so much?"

The combative noises came to an end, _**"Ha! It's not like that. Though she did try to interview me a few times. Half of those times, she flirted with me. I turned her down though."**_

Ivy was surprised to hear that, "Huh, I figured attractive female reporters would make up about 60% of your one-night stands."

_**"It's not that. I just don't do interviews."**_

"Because it adds to your whole dark-and-mysterious thing you have going on?"

_**"That and my bosses don't exactly like the thought of me talking about my job to the public."**_

"Gee, I wonder why," Dr. Psycho said sarcastically, overhearing the conversation.

_**"But no. There's nothing going on with me and Lois Lane."**_

Harley smirked, "Well good. 'Cause she and I are gonna have a little talk."

_**"A talk?"**_

Ivy spoke up, "She's gonna try and make Superman her nemesis."

_**"Seriously, Harley?"**_

"Yep. I'll have the perfect nemesis in no time," Harley announced proudly.

Red X sighed, _**"Oh God."**_

"Exactly my thoughts, hun," said the redhead with the green skin.

A yell followed by gurgling came from the phone before her shared boyfriend spoke again, _**"You sure that's a good idea, Harley? Maybe stick with Robin for a while. Then work your way up to Batman and Superman. How about Booster Gold? I hear he's good nemesis material for first-timers."**_

"No. Sweetie, trust me. I know exactly what I'm doin' here," the blonde grinned.

The master thief sighed, _**"Alright, I guess I have no choice but to leave you to it. Just be careful, okay? He may be a boy scout but Superman could probably kill you if pushed too far."**_

"I got this, don't worry."

Some explosions and gunfire rang from her cellphone before Red X spoke, _**"I gotta get going. I should be home in a few hours. See you all then. Bye."**_

"Okay, bye-bye," smiled Harley.

Ivy added, "Come home soon. Please."

Their boyfriend hung up before the blonde with the bleached skin turned to the only guys in the room, "Let's move out, fellas. We got a meeting with a reporter."

**-(The Daily Planet, Metropolis)-**

"I don't retract articles and I'm definitely not writing a puff piece about - what was your headline?" asked Lois Lane.

The lovely news reporter was tied to an office chair as Harley, her crew, and King Shark stood over her.

The blonde with the pigtails answered, "It's 'Harley Quinn, Number One Supervillain in the Many Multiverses, Still Hasn't Committed To a Nemesis, Much Less Robin the Boy Wonder, or Any Nemesis That's Boy or Bird Based.' Ya can punch it up if ya want. You're the writer."

Lois just chuckled, "Thanks. No."

"Okay, then I'm gonna have to kill ya," Harley pointed her baseball bat at her.

"Okay, go ahead," the news reporter answered as if calling out a cheap bluff.

Suddenly, the wall behind her exploded and from the cloud of dust came Superman, the Man of Steel and the world's most powerful superhero as well as one of the founding members of the Justice League.

He spits out a piece of drywall, "I need to remember to keep my mouth closed when I bust through walls."

"I've been tellin' ya that," said Lois as she was turned around.

Harley and her crew were surprised at their new visitor then she exclaimed, "Holy shit! It's Supes! King Shark, get the camera. Livestream me fightin' Superman, my new nemesis!"

King Shark takes out his cellphone and starts to live record, "Okay, you're live."

Showing no fear, the blonde walked right up to the Man of Steel, "Hey, Superman! Come get Lois _Lame_ before I make _her_ a deadline!"

She looked back at the guys, "That made-that made sense, right?"

Superman looked over at Lois, "Is she mad about the paywall too? $7.99 _is_ an ambitious price point. And it doesn't include the crossword, which is ridic."

"Ya gonna fight me or what?" asked Harley, getting mad at being ignored.

The superhero in the blue tights simply chuckled then said, "Everybody duck."

Soon the wall next to him exploded and in flew Robin on a hoverboard and he pointed at the lady clown, "You were ill-advised to think you could get away from me, Harley Quinn."

Lois went "Aww!"

"Oh god!" groaned Harley.

"Again?!" shouted Dr. Psycho.

Superman laughed then ruffled Robin's hair, "Hey, sport."

The Boy Wonder pushed his hand away and frowned, "I fail to find the humor in this."

He soon noticed his nose starting to bleed a little and tried to stop it.

Metropolis' superhero saw it too then took out a handkerchief and held to the pre-teenager's nose, "No need to be nervous, kiddo. Just step into the box. You got this."

Robin pushed him away and said in a hushed tone, "You're embarrassing me in front of my nemesis."

Harley heard that and spoke up, "Actually, I'm not currently committed to anyone. But y'know, Supes, if you're avail, I'm-"

"Flattered but I have a pretty full dance card," said Superman.

"Leave us be, boy scout. I'm sure there's a cat up a tree somewhere," scowled the Boy Wonder.

His words just made the world's most powerful hero chuckle again, "'A cat up a tree'. Isn't this just the cutest thing ever?"

He looks over at the captive reporter, "Lois, you okay if the little guy takes it from here?"

Lois responds, "Yeah, whatever. We still doing sushi tonight?"

"You know how I . . . roll," Superman joked before flying out of the hole he made earlier.

Robin groaned at the horrible pun while Harley groaned from losing a potential nemesis.

Dr. Psycho looks back at King Shark, "Do me a favor. Can you untag me from this whole thing?"

The Boy Wonder turned his attention to the aspiring supervillainess who was regrouping with the others, "You ready to do battle, Quinn?"

Harley just sighed then said, "Let's go."

She led them out of the room as the pre-teen boy shouted after her, "That's right! Run away! Fear me!"

**-(Poison Ivy's apartment)-**

Harley slid open the door then she and the guys walked in as she groaned, "That was the most humiliatin' t-"

Everyone stopped upon seeing a miffed Poison Ivy surrounded by blue-colored decorations and gifts for a baby shower.

The blonde let out a loud gasp and gained a huge grin, "Oh my god! Ivy, you're pregnant?"

She rushed right over and gave her best friend a hug, "Oh! This is gonna be so bad for your career, but so good for your Instagram. You and X are gonna make such kickass parents."

The guys walked into the living room as Ivy pried her off, "No! All this shit is for _you_."

"Aww. No baby?" asked Harley in a sad voice and with a pout.

"Nope, no baby. But there is a card. And it was addressed to you, so I didn't open it because I'm not a rude person," the redhead pointed to a baby carriage holding an envelope with Harley's name on it.

The bleached-skin babe picked it up and opened it to find a card that said 'It's a Boy!'; she flipped it open to find a pop-up baby boy whose eyes suddenly turned red.

Joker's voice chimed out, "Congrats on _Robin_ the cradle. Hahahaha! From all your never-gonna-be-your-friends at the Legion of Doom. Hahahaha!"

A whirling sound started coming from the card and Harley knew exactly what was about to happen so she threw it up into the air before it exploded into a plume of green smoke. Luckily, nothing was damaged and no one was hurt; there was just piles of ash strewn about.

Ivy coughed a couple of times and frowned as she looked at her newly dirtied living room before sarcastically saying, "Well, this room was missing a dusting of ash everywhere."

To be honest, this new mess was not as bad as the ones she was previously cleaning up.

Harley was scowling, "Alright, that's it. Enough of this shit. We're killin' Robin."

Everyone was shocked to hear her idea.

"Harley, you can't kill him," said Ivy.

"You don't think I can kill a 12 year-old? Oh, okay. Well, I will smash in his face. With a bat! LIKE A WATERMELON!"

The eco-terrorist held up her hands in defense, "Oh, no, no. I believe you have the _ability_ to kill him. What I'm saying is if you do it, you validate what everyone's saying that Robin's your nemesis."

"Also, you'd be a child killer, which some may argue is worse," advised King Shark.

A light bulb went off in Harley's mind then she smirked and arched her brow, "Unless . . . "

Ivy stepped forward, "Ah, you got that 'or' face. Just-can you make your eyebrows normal?"

"I've . . ."

"Yes?"

"No no, I wasn't sayin' your name. I was saying 'I've' . . . as in I've got a plan."

**-(Inside a warehouse in downtown Gotham City)-**

Dr. Psycho and Clayface lead King Shark over to a large glass-lined swimming tank full of water with a connecting staircase and platform; it was almost like something a person would find at a marine animal park.

"Listen shark-man, get in the tank. All you gotta do is swim around and scare the kid so bad he admits he's lying," said the diminutive telepath.

"Oh, I'm not that kind of shark. I'm more of the tech savvy kind," answered King, feeling uneasy about the idea.

"It's fine. I can play the role of shark if he won't," Clayface immediately transformed into the walking shark, "Roar! 'Tis I, the violent type of shark! Straight from the beaches of Amity. Fear my rows of teeth, my unpredictable nature!"

The master hacker responded, "Yeah, that's offensive in a number of ways. I-I'll just be the shark."

Clayface turned back to normal as King Shark started walking up the stairs then he spoke, "But, just to double-check here – I-I'm not gonna do any biting, right? 'Cause I do _not_ do well around blood."

"No blood. You're just supposed to scare him," answered Psycho.

Harley comes running in with a huge sack slung over her shoulder, "I got him!"

She throws the bag onto the floor and her captive inside starts to move and grunt, trying to escape.

* * *

Robin was hanging upside down over the water tank as King Shark, now wearing only swimming trunks, swam in circles underneath him.

"You're gonna die, Robin!" shouted Harley from the platform before the shark-man lunged and bit off the end of his cape, "Admit it! Admit we never battled, I never asked you to be my nemesis."

"Unhand me, you freak!" demanded the Boy Wonder.

"Not until you tell the truth about us!"

"Why would I ever tell the truth? I'm Gotham's little sweet potato pie, remember? Those rubes will believe anything I say."

Soon the sound of a crowd booing rang through the air then a large curtain dropped and lights came on to reveal a studio audience, Tawny, and the set of her show; there was even an audio clip of a man yelling "Busted!"

"Ya hear that, Tawny? He admitted he lied!" shouted Harley.

Robin was shocked at this, "Tawny?! You set me up, Quinn!"

The aforementioned news reporter and television personality furrowed her brow at the Boy Wonder, "Mm-mm-mm! My, oh my, how the sweet potato pie has crumbled."

Her audience booed some more then the aspiring supervillainess spoke up, "So, as everyone can see, I could've killed him any time I wanted. But I didn't 'cause he's a kid and kids are gross. Also, he is _not_ my nemesis."

She stuck her tongue out at Robin as the crowd kept booing and hissing at him; he began to sweat as his nose started to bleed, sending a small drop of blood down his head, through his spiked hair, and falling into the water tank below. King Shark noticed and inhaled the red liquid into his nose before his pupils fully dilated.

"Blood. Ooh! Blood!" roared the shark-man as he started to lunge, snap, and claw at the suspended pre-teenager like a ravenous animal.

"Ah! Help me!" shouted Robin in fear.

"Ah, shit," groaned Harley upon seeing what was happening.

Tawny was shocked too, "Woo! He gonna get eaten!"

"Please! I'll bring you on stage at the VMAs next week!" cried the boy, hoping to bribe someone to save him.

"Abort! Abort! King Shark, heel!" shouted the bleached-skin blonde.

"Let me down! Help!"

On the tank's staircase, Dr. Psycho and Clayface watched the scene before them as the former said, "Oh you know what? This must be that 'not being good with blood' thing. I thought it just meant he got a little fainty."

His teammate responded, "I did too."

"It was misleading."

"How funny," chuckled the shapeshifter.

Back in the tank, King Shark kept lunging for Robin who cried out, "Hey! Stop that! Help!"

Harley climbed onto the platform's railing then launched herself like a rocket through the air, grabbed the Boy Wonder, and landed outside of the pool. He gave her a thankful grin as the audience went 'aww' at the rather cute sight but they started to scream upon seeing King Shark swimming at full speed and bursting through the glass behind the pair.

"I'll kill you all!" roared the shark.

The water sent Harley rolling over to Tawny who yelled out, "Everybody run!"

Robin was washed over to the other side of the room and he looked up to see King running towards him, claws and teeth ready to maim and tear him apart.

"Help! Help! Batman! Batman!" the Boy Wonder scooted backwards but hit some crates, stopping his retreat, "Father! Help! No! Dad! Help!"

King Shark was almost upon him when Batman came crashing in through the skylight and landed on top of the bloodthirsty aquatic creature, pinning him to the floor. He forced King's head down then pulled out a blue spray can labeled, 'shark repellent' and sprayed green gas into the shark's face that caused him to slowly calm down and fall asleep.

The Dark Knight got off the beast and pocketed his gadget in time for Tawny to happily announce, "Ladies and gentlemen, Batman!"

Cheering erupted from the crowd as Batman asked aloud, "What is this?"

He turned around and saw the news reporter, "Tawny? Are we live on _Tawny_?"

He noticed Harley still on the floor, "What the hell are you doing, Quinn?"

"Changin' the optics?" she replied, trying to sound innocent.

"You almost killed my ward. You're going to Arkham for good, Quinn," said Batman, looking incredibly pissed off.

* * *

The double doors of Gotham First Bank exploded open as a cloud of green smoke billowed out followed by a few people who all had huge and unsettling grins on their faces. It was not long before Joker and a couple of his goons walked out, carrying out large sacks of money with them.

The Clown Prince of Crime grinned and held out his arms, "Bring it on, Bats!"

A second passed before he realized the Caped Crusader was nowhere around, "Bats?"

He looked around, "Batman?"

Joker started to look at the tops of buildings to see if his nemesis was arriving but there was still no sign.

"Is he . . . this is no fun," said the disappointed clown.

"Uh-uh boss?" said a henchman who was watching something on his cellphone.

"Uh, uh, uh. What, Steve? Spit it the fuck out."

Steve showed Joker the live feed of Batman fighting Harley on the set of _Tawny!_

"Oh, what the hell?" groaned the mad clown.

* * *

Ivy was cleaning her new noguchi coffee table when she heard grunting coming from the television. She looked up in time to see Batman throw Harley face-first into a camera.

The eco-terrorist was surprised, "Oh! What the hell?"

* * *

At a gas station far outside of Gotham City, Naruto, wearing casual clothes, walks into the store and starts looking through the selection of tasty snacks with his eye occasionally glancing at the instant ramen noodle cups. He soon hears people chatting and cheering then he looks over and finds them crowded around one of the televisions mounted on the wall. His curiosity gets the better of him so he goes over and sees Batman chasing Harley around on the screen.

"Oh, what the hell?" he asked aloud.

The camera switched over to one focused on Tawny and she started talking to it while the action continued behind her, _"Okay. So, Batman blames Harley for endangering his ward but Harley says she's just a supervillain looking for an adult-size nemesis. Y'all know what I'm talking about, right?"_

* * *

Harley backflips onto the talking area of the set with Batman following her then she throws a right jab at him but he deflects it and counters with a palm strike to her face, giving her a bloody nose and knocking her onto the table. She quickly wipes off the blood before grabbing a pillow and throwing it at the Caped Crusader who simply knocked it away. It was not long until the bleached-skin blonde tossed another though the next thing she threw was a large potted plant that the Dark Knight was forced to block as it broke upon impact. She took the opportunity to perform a jump kick at her enemy yet he grabbed her leg and slammed her face-first onto the floor and gave her another bloody nose.

Clayface and Dr. Psycho were holding up a now-dressed King Shark when they caught sight of what happened and let the shark-man fall to the floor.

"Use your fisticuffs, Harley!" advised the shapeshifter.

His telepathic cohort smirked a little at the situation before them.

Batman stood over the downed Harley and brought one of her arms behind her as he pulled out a pair of handcuffs, "Game over, Quinn."

He was about to restrain her when the both of them heard a rumbling then from a pair of double doors came a plant monster with many thorny vines and a closed purple flower head. The flower soon opened to reveal an angry Poison Ivy sitting inside.

"Let her go!" she demanded.

Harley's crewmates found a place in the front row of the crowd and set King Shark down when the shapeshifter greeted the eco-terrorist, "Ivy! Always a delight."

Ivy advanced towards Batman as he backed up a little but was ready for her next move, which was sending some vines at him and he responded by diving through them. However, one wrapped around his right ankle and tossed him into the air where more vines grabbed his limbs and suspended him from the ceiling, trapping him.

"This is getting too good, y'all," grinned Tawny.

Harley too was grinning as her best friend came over, "Ive! You came to save me."

Ivy got down off her creature, "Look, I always do. My entire existence seems to be spent cleaning up your fuckin' messes."

The audience gasped and went 'ooh' upon hearing her words.

"Is that gonna be bleeped?" she thought aloud.

Tawny went on to announce her show's newest guest, "Please welcome another surprise guest – supervillain Poison Ivy!"

"Nope."

* * *

At Noonan's, the live show was being played on television and right up front was Kite Man as he bobbed his shoulders up and down in happiness upon seeing Ivy on the screen. He was obviously thinking about the last time he and her were together during Penguin's nephew's bar mitzvah, still believing they had a special night.

* * *

Ivy kept protesting, "Not a guest. Also, I actually identify as an eco-terrorist so . . . "

Tawny came over, "Seems like you're having some animosity towards Harley for not respecting your boundaries."

She turned to her audience. "Am I right, audience?"

They responded with 'boos' and one guy called out, "You suck!"

"Tell us how you feel," she suggested to the eco-terrorist.

"No, no, no. Not gonna do that."

"Okay."

"But since I'm here. If I could just . . ." she borrowed the blonde's microphone and faced the people, "You don't have to rise out your cans and bottles before putting them in the recycling bin, okay? That's just a myth and it wastes water."

While she was giving her lecture, Batman managed to reach into his utility belt and pull out a vial of acid that he proceeded to use to melt the vines and free himself.

The crowd started to cheer and applaud, as did a newly awakened King Shark as he stood up and clapped, "I love you, Batman!"

"N-n-no, no. Sit," said Clayface, guiding him back into his seat.

"Aww," pouted the shark.

Ivy looked back in time to see Batman toss one of his batarangs at her but it was deflected by a kick from Harley who jumped in front of her.

* * *

The inmates at Arkham Asylum started cheering for the two women taking on the Dark Knight of Gotham City on television.

* * *

Harley and Ivy nodded to each other before the former charged straight for Batman and the latter summoned some vines and wrapped them around her wrists. The pale-skinned beauty launched a flying kick at the superhero in black only to be thrown over his head but she tried another kick that he rolled out of the way of. Soon he had to block a few lashes from the vines his redheaded foe was using as whips then he cartwheeled out of their range only to be kicked from behind by Harley. The Dark Knight managed to block it and elbow her in the face in time for Ivy to capture his arm with a vine.

Batman won their little tug-of-war by throwing her into her blonde best friend and knocking them to the floor where their faces became close to kissing each other; the sight got Tawny and her audience to gasp excitedly. Harley smiled at Ivy and fluttered her eyes in a flirtatious fashion but she just ended up pouting due to the redhead leaving and getting back to fighting the Dark Knight. She tried for another vine attack though she only ended up taking out the furniture of the talking area due to him dodging her.

Harley took the chance to attack from behind but he ducked and captured her; she started to grunt and struggle in an effort to free herself. She did not have to wait long due to Ivy using a flower to spray Batman in the face with green gaseous pollen, forcing him to drop the blonde and back away as the ladies laughed at him.

* * *

Penguin, his sister Mrs. Cobblepot, and his nephew Joshua were watching the show at home.

"Kill him, Ivy!" cheered Joshua.

Before the fighting could continue, a wall behind the top row of the audience bleachers exploded and a cloud of green smoke followed.

* * *

The smoke soon cleared and in walked a furious-looking Joker.

"Harley! What the fuck do you think you're doing?" he snarled.

"Ooh-hoo-hoo! It's getting heated!" announced an excited Tawny.

The Clown Prince of Crime started making his way down through the crowd, pushing and kicking people out of the way.

"Are you trying to steal my Batman?" he scowled at his ex-girlfriend.

Batman glared at his nemesis, "Joker!"

* * *

The live show was even playing on a wall-mounted television in a sushi restaurant in Metropolis where Superman and Lois Lane were having their date.

_"Uh, Batman, Joker seems to claim you as his nemesis,"_ Tawny pointed out.

Superman glanced at the screen, shrugged, and went back to eating since he knew Batman could handle things by himself.

Lois, however, was still concerned about what was happening on the show.

_"But you came here to fight Harley and now, you're fighting Ivy. Which one is it?"_ asked the blonde newswoman.

Joker popped up next to her on the screen, _"Me! I'm his, he's mine. I mean we're together. Ha!"_

He shoved her out of his way.

* * *

"Oh!" Tawny cried out before two stagehands caught her to keep her from falling.

The crowd started to chant "Tawny! Tawny! Tawny!" like they were watching the Jerry Springer Show.

* * *

The chanting could be heard on the cellphone of Aquaman who was currently on the toilet and was watching the live feed all the way down in Atlantis. He watched as Joker joined Batman, Harley, and Ivy in their intense showdown.

* * *

A guy in the crowd yelled out, "I love you, Tawny!" when Batman kicked Joker in the stomach before Harley tried to kick him in the face and he jumped backwards. She was immediately grabbed from behind by her ex-boyfriend then vines wrapped around his neck and tossed him aside; the blonde gave her best friend a thumbs-up. Ivy did not have time to return it when the Dark Knight threw a couple of batarangs at her and she was forced to use the floral tendrils to guard from the attack. She, however, did not count on the weapons exploding on contact and sending her back towards the empty pool.

The audience gasped then Harley grabbed a piece of pipe, charged forth, and started swinging at Batman with intense fury as he blocked her attacks. Joker soon noticed the two of them were under some stage lights on a metal lighting grid and a devious plan formed in his head as he pulled out one of his putty grenades.

"Two birds, one stone," he grinned, turning on the explosive and throwing it.

He hit his target and the whole grid fell upon both Harley and Batman, trapping him underneath the debris.

"Dad!" Robin cried out at seeing the Caped Crusader in trouble.

The trapped pair started trying to get free when Joker came over but bypassed his nemesis.

"I'll be with you in a minute, Bats. I have some unfinished business to take care of," the clown grinned as he pulled out his Joker Gun.

Harley was working to get her arms free when her ex knelt down in front of her and put the barrel of his custom weapon against her forehead.

She glared at him as he kept smiling, "Say goodnight, puddin'."

Joker could not resist laughing as he put his finger on the trigger and the crowd waited to see what would happen next but before anything could, something flew through the air and knocked the gun out of the Joker's hand.

"Who the-?" the Clown Prince of Crime looked at his gun and saw a red four-point throwing star embedded in it and soon he put two-and-two together, "Oh for fuck's sake, no!"

He stood up and turned around in time to see Red X landing in the middle of the room then the two locked eyes.

"You!" growled Joker.

**"Get away from her, you Ronald McDonald reject!" **X charged at the clown.

The maniac in the purple suit responded by throwing a couple of punches but they were dodged and the thief let loose one to the face, another to the gut, and a third back to the face, resulting in a bloody nose. A kick to the chest followed and knocked Joker backwards onto the floor as the crowd cheered.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome our biggest surprise guest – the infamous Red X!" announced a grinning Tawny.

Soon, the crowd grew louder though the female members were the loudest then an attractive and buxom woman stood up and called out, "I love you, Red X!"

She soon lifted up her top and flashed him her large breasts, making the crowd cheer more and whistle.

Robin, still off to the side, was shocked as well to see the newcomer then spoke to himself in a hushed voice, "Whoa. It's him."

Back at where the action was, Red X came over to Harley and Batman who were still trapped.

He grabbed the lighting grid keeping them pinned down, **"Hang on, you two, I got ya."**

It was not long before he lifted the rather heavy metal with help from the two captives then once it was high enough, they crawled out to safe before the master thief dropped it and the crowd cheered some more.

Harley wasted no time in jumping onto him and giving him a big hug, "X!"

He returned it and smiled underneath his helmet, **"Hey Harley. You've sure been busy."**

The master thief turned towards Batman, **"Long time no see, Bats."**

"Red X," replied the Dark Knight.

Joker retrieves his gun and points it at Red X, "You fucking prick! I'll kill you!"

He did not get the chance to shoot because of Batman rushing forward and knocking the weapon out of his hand before they became enthralled in combat. Red X separated himself from Harley and was about to join in on the fight when Tawny walked up to him and put her microphone to his face.

"Red X, real quick. Does the fact that you being here mean you have returned to Gotham? And _why_ are you here?" she asked.

* * *

Back at the sushi restaurant in Metropolis, Lois gritted her teeth at seeing Tawny trying to get an interview with the infamous Red X.

On the screen, Red X moved the microphone out of his face and said, _**"I don't do interviews.**__"_

_"Aww,"_ Tawny groaned in disappointment as he left to join the fight.

"Ha! If I can't get an interview with him, what makes you think you could?" the reporter for The Daily Planet said aloud with a smirk.

Her outburst actually startled Superman and their sushi chef.

* * *

As Batman and Red X fought the Joker, Tawny turned towards a camera, "Well whatever the reason, this is the first confirmed sighting of Red X in Gotham City in three years."

Her microphone was suddenly grabbed and Harley moved in closer before speaking, "Also Tawny, I'd like to set the record straight that _I_ was the one who broke things off with Joker and now me _and_ Ivy are both in a hot and steamy relationship with Red X. AND Red X's dick is bigger and better than Joker's any day of that week!"

The audience soon went 'whoo' then Poison Ivy called out to her, "Dude! Seriously?"

* * *

_"What? It needed to be said!"_ said Harley from the television in Naruto's apartment in Metropolis.

The one watching the show was Tala who was lounging on the couch and eating a cup of instant ramen noodles. She did not want to admit it but the sorceress grew a taste for them during her two years with her beloved master.

_"As does this – Red X knows how to please a woman in AND out of the sack!" _the aspiring supervillainess announced, making the beautiful magic user smirk upon hearing the truth.

* * *

Joker was holding his own quite well despite being forced to take on both Batman and Red X though he did have some help from the switchblade knife he was now wielding. Both of his opponents were ready to attack again until they all heard Harley shout as she charged at the Caped Crusader and was again using a piece of pipe as her weapon; she swung at him only to have her attack blocked.

"We're not done, Bats," she growled at the Dark Knight.

Red X looks back at her, **"Harley, now is not the t-"**

He was interrupted due to Joker lunging at him with the switchblade ready to stab and he was forced to hold back the attack before they locked hands.

"Let's see how good of a lover you are after I slice off your dick," grinned the psychotic clown.

**"I'm not worried. I could still give Harley bigger and better orgasms than you ever could,"** replied the master thief in a mocking tone.

The audience started whooping and laughing at that joke then Joker scowled at them, "Shut up! It wasn't even that good!"

Red X took this chance to knee the clown in the stomach then throw him to the floor and punch him in the face as he took the switchblade into his own hand. He soon pinned the psychopath in the purple suit down and held the knife up high, ready to strike.

**"Say 'bye-bye', clown,"** the master thief growled.

He was about to drive the blade into the Joker's neck when someone grabbed his arm to stop him; it turned out to be Batman.

"No killing," the Dark Knight said sternly.

**"You gotta be fucking kidding me!"**

Harley suddenly pounces onto Batman's back and gets him in a headlock, "Don't bother my man when he's workin', Bats!"

The Dark Knight proceeded to try and get her off his back and this gave Joker the chance to pull out another putty grenade.

He grinned at Red X, "Hey X, catch!"

The clown threw the sticky bomb at the master thief who moved out of the way, causing the explosive to land right by Tawny; she gasped upon seeing it. Little time passed before the disguised Naruto got up and made a beeline for the reporter then he tackled her away to safety just before the grenade went off.

She found herself in his arms like a bride and quickly realized it, "Oh my."

He looks at her, "You okay?"

A blush crept upon Tawny's cheeks, "Yeah."

Back with the Joker, he quickly retrieves his gun, "Fuck this."

He soon spots Robin, who was trying to get out of his bonds, and he grins as a thought came to his mind; he goes over to the tied-up Boy Wonder, laughing evilly.

* * *

Wonder Woman, having a lazy day in her apartment, watches the Clown Prince of Crime pick up Robin and drape him over his shoulder; she was obviously shocked at the events taking place.

* * *

Joker takes out a couple of active putty grenades and throws them at the wall, blowing it up and creating a large hole. Batman was still trying to get Harley to release him as Ivy loomed in the back and ready to use some vines for an attack when he heard the explosion and saw what was happening.

"Robin!" he shouted.

"If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive again, you better start showing up to _my _cool crimes," the psychopathic clown made his escape through the hole with his young hostage.

The Dark Knight grabbed Harley and threw her into Ivy before giving chase to save his ward. Red X ran over to his ladies to make sure they were okay; they were despite some cuts and bruises then he proceeded to help them up.

"Oh! What a show, folks!" chuckled Tawny to the camera.

"Well I am spent," said Clayface as he, Dr. Psycho, and King Shark got up to leave.

"Well stay tuned 'cause up next, we're bringing out those rescued ferrets," said the reporter as a picture of the box of ferrets came on the set's screen.

"Ooh! I wanna squeeze one!" squealed Harley upon seeing them.

"Nope. Come on, we're leaving," Ivy started dragging her away.

**"Right behind ya,"** said Red X, following them.

He barely took five steps when Tawny came over, "Thanks again for saving me. But if you have five minutes for some quick words-"

**"Again, I don't do interviews,"** he proceeded to walk away, leaving her with a pout on her face.

**"Reporters can be such a drag . . . "** the master thief muttered to himself.

He soon realized what he just said and thought to himself, 'Shit, I sounded like Shikamaru.'

It was not long before her heard Kurama's booming laughter in his head.

**-(Back at Poison Ivy's apartment)-**

Harley was sulking on the couch with Red X sitting next to her as they re-watched the newest episode of _Tawny!_ that featured them.

"Well, that was a shit show," said Ivy as she came and sat at Harley's other side.

"Yeah but it was a fun show. Except for Batman kickin' my ass on live TV," said the blonde as she watched a scene of Batman uppercutting her and sending her flying.

**"Not to mention the fact you almost got a kid killed, ya know,"** said the master thief.

"That was an accident!" she defended herself.

He facepalmed and sighed, **"Jesus Christ, Harley . . . "**

His blonde girlfriend just pouted.

Ivy decided to cheer her up a little, "At least you got a swag bag out of this whole mess, right?"

She picked up a small gift bag with the show's logo on it and rummaged through it before pulling out a bottle.

"Ooh! Look at this. Organic shampoo," she got a closer look at the label, "Ugh! It says 'for fine to normal hair'. Dammit."

She tossed the shampoo aside then Harley said, "I can't believe after all this, I _still _don't have a nemesis."

**"I don't know. You might be on Batman's list now for almost killing Robin,"** said her boyfriend.

"But you know what? You can't force it. I mean, there's someone out there just for you," said Ivy.

Her best friend sighed loudly before she kept speaking, "Do the crimes that make you happy and the rest will come. JKH, right? Just keep heisting."

"JK's already a thing! You add a 'H' to it, and I don't know what that is," said Dr. Psycho, using his powers to vacuum the furniture.

"It's muddled," added Clayface as he swept the floor.

"Yeah, I'm not here to workshop this," Ivy said to them.

**"But Ivy does have a point. I mean I have made a lot of enemies over the past ten years. Just by doing my thing. A lot of them have sworn revenge and some have even tried before I hunted them," **said Red X.

"There you go, Harls. Prime example."

Harley sighed slightly, "Okay, I get it."

"Good. At least some of my advice got through to that thick skull of yours," chuckled the eco-terrorist.

Her joke even got the lady clown and master thief to laugh a little.

"Okay, I deserved that one," the blonde grinned.

"Yes. Yes, you did."

"Thanks for always givin' me great advice, Ive. Even if I don't always use it."

"You actually _never_ use it."

"But I _love_ never usin' your advice more than anyone else's advice I never use. Also, listen, I am very sorry for the way me and my crew have been treatin' your place. That changes today," Harley declared.

King Shark came over with a washcloth, some cleaning spray, and a friendly grin, "Yes. We promise to keep your apartment much cleaner."

His words confused Ivy, "Wait, why is he cleaning? Did you add that giant shark to your crew?"

"Actually, I'm a normal-sized shark but I suppose I am large for a man. And yes, I'm in the crew. It's just nice to be on a schedule," he answered before laughing and returning to his cleaning duties.

"Yeah, you saw what he can do when he flips out. I mean, how am I gonna say 'no' to that? Plus, he does computer good," said Harley.

Red X nodded, **"It's true. You always need a computer expert on your team."**

The blonde with the pigtails smirked, "Damn right. This guy gets it."

**"One more thing Harley – I think it's time to up your game."**

"Huh? What do ya mean?"

**"I mean I think it's time for you to learn how to fight."**

"Um sweetie . . . I already know how to fight."

**"No, I mean real fighting. With actual technique and precision. And I can teach you. Plus you are gonna need it if you're going to start butting heads with the likes of Batman and others."**

"You think so?" Harley was a little intrigued.

**"Yep,"** Red X held up his hands, **"You see these hands? These are not just tools of pleasure. They are also dangerous weapons. Even without these gauntlets."**

He presented his right thumb, **"I once killed a man using **_**only**_** this thumb."**

His blonde girlfriend stared at the appendage with shock and admiration before grinning, "When can we start?"

Before her boyfriend could give an answer, the door to the apartment opened and revealed an angry-looking Sy.

He wheeled his way inside as his robotic arm held up a note that read 'Eviction Notice' in big red letters, "That's it! You're outta here!"

Ivy goes over to ask what he was talking about but he just gives her the paper, "This is a formal eviction notice."

She gave it a quick glance then asks, "You're evicting me? On what grounds?"

"Your lease says 'no pets'," he points at King Shark, "Him!"

"Well, that's racist. O-or at the very least xenophobic," protested the shark-man.

"Xeno who? The bikini broad with the sword as big as she is? I love her!" he glares at the eco-terrorist, "But the shark's been coming in here all week."

"Please, Sy. I love this apartment more than anything. I-I'll kick them out. I'll kick all of them out," begged Ivy, hoping to reason with the old man.

**"'All'? I don't even live here,"** muttered Red X.

"Too late! You're evicted, honey!" Sy leaves the apartment after putting his foot down.

Harley decides to try and cheer up her best friend, "Hey! At least you don't have to keep cleaning up after us anymore, right? 'Cause you know, let's be honest, it was really only gonna get worse."

Ivy growled then slammed the door shut, causing the coffee table to shatter and spook the others.

She takes a deep breath, "We can split that one."

"Sounds fair," said the blonde in a small voice.

**"So . . . would now be a bad time to tell you my good news?"** asked Red X.

His redhead lover answered, "You know what? Tell us. I could _really_ use some good news right now."

**"Okay,"** he quickly clears his throat, **"I'm moving back to Gotham."**

"What?" the ladies asked in unison.

"Oh fuck no!" complained Dr. Psycho.

**"That's right. I talked it over with my superiors and they are currently looking at a place in downtown Gotham for me. I should be moved-in in a couple of days,"** said the master thief.

"Are you seriously?" asks Ivy with a grin.

**"I'm dead serious. This means no more lengthy drives to Metropolis and back. Instead, we'll only be ten to fifteen minutes away from each other."**

"Oh my god, baby! That's so fuckin' awesome!" Harley rushes over and gives him a big hug.

Ivy comes over and smirks, "Well I know where me and Harley are moving into."

"What about us?" complains Psycho for the rest of them.

"Relax Psycho, crews stick together. Ivy was just joking," the aspiring supervillainess reassured her crew and looked over at her best friend, "Right, Ive?"

The redhead forces herself to smile a little, "Right . . . joking. I was joking."

Red X chuckles a little.

**-(The Batcave)-**

Robin was sitting at the Bat Computer, playing a game on his cellphone when Batman came around the corner with a plate in his hands.

"Damien, I made your favorite," he showed the boy a grilled cheese sandwich with a toasted 'R' on the top bread slice.

"You didn't make that, Alfred made that," the Boy Wonder said in a hushed voice before turning away from his father.

"I made him make it," replied Batman, trying to save a little face.

He set the plate down, went over to his son, and turned him around so they could talk.

"Are you mad because I had to save you from Joker?"

"No, I'm _livid_ because everyone in Teen Titans is getting a nemesis, except me," said Robin, crossing his arms in disappointment.

The Dark Knight sighs then speaks, "I'm gonna say something embarrassing here. I didn't have a nemesis until . . . my late 20s."

"Don't patronize me, Father. It's unbecoming."

"It's true. I wasn't ready for one. You want your first nemesis to be special. Someone who you could see being your nemesis for the rest of your life."

"I suppose you're right, Father . . . when I can start having sex?"

"I think I hear the Bat Signal," Batman quickly pulls out his grappling hook, shoots and latches it onto something, and zips away like a bat out of Hell.

* * *

And that's it! I hope you enjoyed it!

'Finding Mr. Right' is one of my favorite episodes of 'Harley Quinn' so I tried to do it as much justice as possible. Also, I want to apologize for the overuse of lines. The document manager does exactly give me complete creative freedom.

Also if you haven't yet, take part in my poll. The poll will close July 1st.


	5. Ch 5 - Being Harley Quinn

**It's finally here! The fifth chapter of 'Harley Quinn's Red Mark'! **

**I'm sorry this is so late but I hope you enjoy it either way.**

* * *

Chapter 5: Being Harley Quinn

"Please! Please don't! Come on, I got a family!" begged the man dangling above the bubbling lava within the mouth of a skull-faced volcano.

Holding him by the ankle was a medieval-styled executioner who ignored the poor guy's pleas and dropped him in before waving at the blonde woman with Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy, and Red X on the ground below.

"Now that's just a staging kill but if volcano sacrifices is your thing, this is the lair for you," said the woman as the man who was suppose to be dead stood up next to his supposed killer.

Her name was Kathy and she was the villains' lair real estate agent Harley and Ivy hired to help them look for a new place to live after Sy evicted them; Red X was there for support.

The aspiring villainess liked this location, "I'll take it!"

"Great! I'll draw up the papers-" Kathy started reaching for her purse until her client spoke again.

"Aah . . . you know, on the other hand, is the giant skull a bit too flashy for my brand?"

**"Yeah, I wasn't going to say anything but since you did, I gotta admit this place doesn't seem like you. It seems like it would belong to someone trying to kill Jonny Quest or sacrifice ladies to King Kong,"** said Red X.

Harley looked at the volcano again, "Oh yeah, I see what you're saying now."

"Can we see some other options?" Ivy asked the now disappointed lair agent.

**-(One hour later)-**

"You'll love this one. A short getaway from all the major banks," pitched Kathy as she and the dating trio stood in a small area of a local park.

"Sounds like a dream," grinned Harley as she looked around for a building, "Where is it?"

"You're standing on it. An intricate system of tunnels carved by The Mole."

"I mean, hey, I love it, but am I really going for a 'mole lady' vibe?"

A rumbling soon came from underneath them before a large hole appeared right behind Red X who jumped away to avoid falling in; he and his ladies leaned over and looked inside to only see darkness.

**"Oh wow, nothing says badass like having your ceiling come down on your head at any time," **he said sarcastically.

Ivy sighs, "Ah, okay. Next!"

**-(Another hour later)-**

They were now inside a pizza restaurant with a video game arcade and a stage with animatronic characters; it was also covered in snow and ice.

"The last tenant, Mr. Freeze, did a number on the place but the castle is perfect for entertaining," said Kathy.

Harley and Ivy shivered as they huddled close to Red X for warmth and he had his cape wrapped around them to help in that.

"Hmmm, not sure my nips and her buds can handle this cold," said the pale-skinned beauty.

Their villain's real estate agent sighed and glared at her, "You've seen six lairs."

"Okay, thank you. Let's just discuss this out of the cold," suggested Ivy before things got too heated between those two.

**-(Later at Poison Ivy's soon-to-be-former apartment)-**

The four of them were sitting in the living room where Kathy was talking, "A supervillain's lair is a reflection of who they really are. So . . . who _is_ Harley Quinn?"

Harley started thinking, "That's a hard question to ans-"

"Harls, you got us uniforms?" asked a grinning King Shark after entering the room and peeking into an open box.

He reached in and pulled out a black t-shirt with big red letters on the front that spelled out 'Suicide Squad' except the 'q' was a skull.

This excited the shark-man, "Ooh! Suicide Squad? Is that our name?"

Harley looked at the shirt in annoyance, "Ugh, it's a group that keeps trying to get me to join."

**"Don't join. The dental is great but the job the total bullshit,"** said Red X.

His girlfriends looked at him in curiosity, which he noticed then muttered, **"Don't ask."**

It was then Dr. Psycho and Clayface came into the room with the former saying to the latter, "I don't want to run lines with you."

"Good! Because I despise that phrase. People run marathons, not lines. Actors exchanges truths!" said the shapeshifter.

"Look what Harley got us," King Shark, now wearing a Suicide Squad t-shirt over his hoodie, came over and put one on Psycho then Clayface.

The diminutive telepath was wrestling with the new article of clothing, "Ah! Ah! Come on!"

Harley just sighed at the antics of her crew before the door opened and revealed Sy, "Ivy, you're evicted! You and the circus act here need to move out faster than sauerkraut through my lower intestine."

Ivy came over to deal with the old man before King Shark came up from behind and put a Suicide Squad t-shirt on her.

"Yes, Sy! We're leaving in a minute," she replied to her former landlord.

"Good. I'm showing the place to-" she shut the door on him then he shouted, "That just cost you your security deposit!"

Back in the living room, Kathy saw things were a bit hectic and stood up.

"You know what, why don't I come back another time?" she suggested.

"No, sorry, sorry, don't go. Don't go," begged Harley as King Shark came over and slipped a t-shirt on her then she sighed, "It's just Joker made the big decisions."

Ivy sits back down next to Harley, "Okay, how about we ask you some questions and maybe that'll help?"

"Worth a shot," the lair agent sat back down, "Why did you first become a villain?"

Harley started to answer, "Well, you know, it's because . . . "

"There you go. You know this answer," said her best friend.

"Uh, well . . . "

"You know this."

Everyone waited to hear her answer while off to the side, Red X let King Shark slip a Suicide Squad t-shirt on him.

Harley finally gave an answer, "I guess . . . I don't know."

Ivy sighed and facepalmed, "Oh my God."

Red X heard that too and did the same thing.

Kathy tried a different question, "What villain do you most admire?"

"I don't know!" the lady clown answered in an irritated tone and got off the couch.

"Harley!" Ivy could sense her friend was getting upset.

The lair agent asked a third question, "Chocolate or vanilla?"

"I don't know!" shouted a now-frustrated Harley, turning her back to them.

Kathy was getting the same way and stood up, "Harley! I can't help you until you tell me who you are!"

The aspiring villainess finally blew her stack, "I don't know! I don't know! I don't KNOW-"

Her bones cracked and she suddenly froze in place, scaring everyone in the room.

Red X and Ivy went over to her with the former looking her frozen friend in her still eyes, "Oh, shit. Harley?"

She waved her hand in front of her face, "Honey, can you hear me?"

Their shared boyfriend snapped his fingers at the beauty with the bleached skin, **"Harley? Babe? Hello?"**

It was at this time Dr. Psycho finally got his head free though his t-shirt was backwards.

This gave him a chance to read the shirt's tag, "'Dry clean only'? Fuck this."

He soon noticed the situation, "Okay, who broke Harley?"

Ivy turned to Kathy, "Uh Kathy, maybe you should go. But we'll call you if we need anything."

"Yes. Of course. You have my card, just call me," the still-frightened agent gathered her things and left the apartment in a hurry.

In truth, no one in that room could blame her for wanting to get out of there.

The eco-terrorist returned her attention to her best friend, "Harley, are you in there? Dude?"

Suddenly, King Shark came over and wrapped his mouth around Harley's entire head.

Psycho laughed while Ivy stepped back and shouted, "Whoa! Stop!"

"Unmouth her, fiend!" demanded Clayface.

**"That is not a snack!"** cried out Red X.

The shark-men took his mouth off the pale-skinned blonde and explained himself, "I was just trying to give her CPR."

**"Who told you to do it like that? A fucking basking shark?"** asked the annoyed master thief, combing some shark spit out of his frozen girlfriend's hair.

"Actually, it was bull shark," grinned King.

Ivy came over and gently shook Harley, "Harley! Snap out of it! Come on!"

**"Let me try something,"** Red X goes behind the still blonde and delivers a quick slap to her butt.

His redhead lover looked at him with a deadpan expression, "Dude, seriously?"

He shrugged, **"It usually works."**

"Ah, no response to physical stimuli. It's probably a level-four brain freeze," said Dr. Psycho.

**"That's a thing?"**

"Oh yeah. Just pray ya never see a level-five. It's not a pretty sight."

"Okay. Everyone, shut up for a second," said Ivy then she turned to the telepath, "Psycho, can you fix her? Like, go in her brain and do the fucking thing."

"That sounds like something a doctor could do. But not someone you just referred to as 'Psycho'," he replied.

"Ugh, fine, _Dr._ Psycho!"

"Yes?" Psycho exclaimed with a shit-eating grin.

"Can you fix her?"

"Can I fix her?" the telepath laughs like he just heard a joke, "Of course I can fix her!"

He walks over to Harley, "I'm just gonna slip inside her brain, do my thing, wham-bam, thank you, ma'am, and I'm done in-a two minutes."

It basically sounded like he was planning on having a disgusting quickie and the others picked up on that tone, especially Ivy and Red X.

"Oh, fucking gross!" said the redhead then she and her boyfriend pushed Psycho away from their blonde companion, "You think we're gonna let you creep around Harley's head without us, you perv?"

"Yes, perv!" agreed Clayface.

"You're the perv!" the telepath pointed at the shapeshifter before pointing at the master thief, "Also, he's the man-whore here! If anyone's a perv, it's him!"

**"Well that was just unnecessary,"** muttered Red X.

"Though he might have a point," said Ivy.

Dr. Psycho resumed speaking, "But! As a professional, I will tell you to prepare because this is serious, meticulous, neuron processing we're about to undertake. Now, everyone hold hands and squeeze your butt cheeks together. And I'm _very_ serious about that last part."

They soon gathered in a circle around the still-frozen Harley as the disguised Naruto made contact with Kurama, 'Hey partner, mind looking after the place until I come back?'

**'Very well . . . though I think you should just leave the whore clown to her fate,'** growled the nine-tailed fox.

'Kurama.'

**'Fine. Good luck in bringing her back,' **his internal partner forced himself to say.

'Thank you. See you in a bit.'

Red X stood in between Poison Ivy and King Shark, joining his hands with theirs as the rest of them did the same to each other while circling Harley; they also squeezed their butt cheeks together as previously instructed. Dr. Psycho soon shouted and used his mental powers to connect to Harley's mind before connecting to the others' then their psyches entered the head of the aspiring supervillainess. The five mindless bodies and the still-frozen blonde fell down but after a second, Red X's eyes suddenly opened and he slowly stood back up with a groan and a growl.

He took off his helmet and sighed; he looked a little different than usual with the whisker marks on his face being a bit thicker and his eyes now red with vertical pupils.

"**That's better**," said in the deep voice of Kurama.

He placed the helmet on the couch and started doing some minor stretching,** "It's been a while since I was in charge of a real body. I've almost forgotten what it felt like to be made of actual flesh. It's restricting."**

It was now apparent that this was indeed Kurama the nine-tailed fox and he was now in possession of Naruto's body.

"Guess I better watch over these guys."

The fox quickly noticed Harley's still-frozen form and a wicked idea came to his mind as a mischievous grin appeared on his face; he reached into the X-Belt and pulled out a black marker. He went over to the unconscious lady clown before drawing something on her forehead and stepping back to admire his work, laughing the whole time.

**"I wonder what they got to eat around here,"** Kurama thought aloud then went into the kitchen.

**-(Harley's brain)-**

The group of five screamed as they flew through a multicolored tunnel but their journey soon ended with them falling through a pair of double doors and into a white room.

Ivy sat up and said, "Whoa! Everybody okay?"

Red X stood up but was a bit wobbly from the trip, **"Wow! What a rush! Let's do it again."**

He helped his redhead lady to her feet as the others got up then she noticed Dr. Psycho was nowhere in sight, "Where's Psycho?"

Grunting sounds soon came from Clayface's stomach and it was not long before the aforementioned telepath burst out like a Chestburster from _Alien._

"_Dr._ Psycho!" he sneered, correcting Ivy.

"What an ugly baby I have birthed," stated the shapeshifter.

**"Yep, it'll be hard to find someone who would adopt that face,"** joked Red X, getting a snort from Ivy.

"Ha ha ha, very funny. How about a little help, dipshits?" growled Psycho as he struggled to removed himself from the blob of clay.

**"Okay, okay, you angry little goblin,"** chuckled the master thief and assassin.

He came over and grabbed Psycho's arms then started pulling.

"Does Clayface taste like fudge? In my dreams, he does," giggled King Shark as Red X finally got the diminutive telepath free and set him down.

Everyone started looking at their surroundings to find pictures featuring scenes from Harley's life guarded by velvet rope barriers and glass cases housing objects connected to her.

**"Huh, it's different than I thought it would be,"** said Red X.

"Yeah, Harley's brain is much cleaner and less Harley-ish than I would have imagined," agreed Ivy.

"I know! I know. Because _this_ is her Museum of Memories," Dr. Psycho responded with a grin, showing them a sign that read 'Museum of Memories' over a doorway.

**"Oh, that makes a lot more sense,"** said X.

"Aww! Look," King Shark pointed at a picture in the next room.

They went over and saw it was a portrait of Harley as a kid and playing in the kitchen with a pair of dolls, one a man and the other a woman; the picture was also labeled 'Happiest Moment'.

As the group got closer, the portrait started to move and speak with the blonde child imitating the female doll, _"You came home late again, Nick. Smelling of alcohol and whore."_

She now started speaking for the male doll, _"She's just a friend from work. Stop breathing down my neck, Sharon."_

She went back to being the lady doll, _"Can't breathe down what's not there, you cocksucker!"_

The young Harley grabbed a nearby cleaver and chopped off the male doll's head, shocking Clayface and King Shark while Ivy and X just took it in stride.

"Mamma mia!" laughed Psycho, impressed by the little girl's bloodlust.

"It's pretty good scene work for a six-year-old," said the clay shapeshifter before they all moved onto another memory portrait.

This one was of Harley now in her late teens and dressed in red and black graduation attire, standing behind a podium and giving a speech to a large crowd.

The memory started to play, _"I am honored to be the valedictorian and I just want to thank absolutely no one. Fuck all of ya!"_

She flipped the crowd the deuces then continued speaking, _"Fuck the principal. Fuck the shop teacher that looks at my ass every time I walk out of class. Yeah, I see you."_

People were shocked and disgusted at the aforementioned teacher who looked like the cat that just ate the canary.

_"Have a great fucking summer!"_ said the teenage Harley, tossing off her graduate cap as the crowd murmured.

"I basically gave the same speech at my sister's wedding," said Dr. Psycho as the group walked away from the memory.

Another memory soon caught King Shark's eye and he called out, "Hey! X is in that one."

He pointed at another memory portrait and Red X was indeed in it; curiosity grabbed the group and they went over. As they got closer, they could see the full picture of the aforementioned master thief standing in front of Harley when she was still a psychiatrist at Arkham Asylum and both were in her old office.

The Harleen in the picture spoke, _"I'm just saying that we need to be careful from now on. We almost got caught."_

_**"Not my fault, you were the one screaming,"**_ chuckled the assassin in the memory, leaning closer to the doctor.

_"But you were the one making me scream,"_ she smirked.

His face got close to hers, _**"Yeah, I was."**_

The section over his mouth opened up and they shared a quick kiss before Red X started kissing her neck, getting a couple of moans from her.

His mouth was recovered then he spoke in a hushed voice, _**"I bet Joker doesn't make you scream like that."**_

_"Now, now, there's no need to compare,"_ said Dr. Quinzel.

_**"Well I must be good. Or else you wouldn't still be seeing me behind that clown's back."**_

The psychiatrist smirked then her secret lover wrapped an arm around her and lowered her backwards onto her desk.

_"We really shouldn't,"_ she coyly smiled.

Red X removed his belt, _**"Don't worry. We'll try something a little different."**_

She watched in excitement as he pushed her skirt up to expose her rather sexy black panties and was about to pull them off when the real Red X called out, **"Okay, that's enough."**

He started pushing the other guys away as Dr. Psycho protested, "Ah c'mon, it was getting good!"

"You heard the man. Move it!" Ivy helped in making them move then she muttered under her breath, "Though I might need a cold shower later."

The eco-terrorist and her boyfriend had just pushed the others into the next room when something caught her eye and she called out, "Hey! Look!"

Everyone followed her gaze and saw Harley sitting on a black bench, looking at a memory portrait.

They went over to her as Ivy and Red X called out, "Harley!"

The beauty with the bleached skin turned around, "Oh hey, guys. What's up?"

Seeing her confused King Shark, "Wait, how can Harley be in here if we're in Harley, and if Harley is-"

"Yeah, I wouldn't think too hard about brain logic for the next 20 minutes," suggested Harley.

**"Agreed,"** Red X knew exactly what she was talking about.

"We're just here to give your brain a hard reboot," explained Dr. Psycho.

He quickly noticed King going over to a glass case containing the dolls and meat cleaver from the childhood memory and was about to touch it then the telepath rushed over and slapped his hand away.

"Ow!" yelped the shark-man.

"Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, listen up! While I find the switch, you all follow hooker rules," commanded Psycho.

"No kissing on the mouth?" asked Ivy.

"I'm sorry. _Stripper_ rules. Look but don't touch. The brain will protect itself if it feels threatened," the telepath goes to find the alleged switch.

**"'Look but **_**don't**_** touch'? That doesn't sound right,"** muttered a confused Red X.

As everyone else starts to look around the museum, he and Ivy are led away by Harley, "Hey, guys, I think there's something really screwed up about me."

"I want to say this in just the most loving way, but there's no way that this is just occurring to you now?" the redhead asked in a slightly sarcastic tone.

"No, I mean, screwed up on top of the regular screwed up. And why can't I make a decision?"

**"Well it's like you said before, **_**Joker**_** made all the big decisions. **_**You**_** didn't have to, all you had to do was swing the giant mallet and break bones," **said their shared boyfriend.

"Well whatever the reason, we're in your mind right now. If the answer is anywhere, it has to be in here," said Ivy.

**"Maybe the problem's in the shape of a jukebox and we can just pull a Fonz."**

Harley snorted, "'A Fonz'? Just how old are you?"

**"What? I can't appreciate shows and characters from the 70s?"**

"Okay but if you start doing that 'Ayyy' thing, I'm dumping your ass," joked Ivy.

**"Maybe I should during sex just to annoy the shit out of you,"** he joked back.

His redhead lady smirked and rolled her eyes when Harley called out, "Oh, I remember this!"

She leads them over to another memory portrait featuring her as her former self with Joker and they are standing on a walkway above a vat of green acid.

"It's when that bleached asshole pushed me and bleached mine."

Red X just narrowed his eyes at the portrait before moving on as the pale-skinned babe exclaimed, "Look! Look!"

The memory started to play but before anything could happen, it glitched and changed to Harleen Quinzel falling into the acid.

"Hey, it glitched and skipped over Joker pushing me," the memory replayed and the same thing happened, "Wha-it did it again. Did you see that?"

Ivy indeed saw that, "Whoa, that's weird. It's like a piece of your memory is missing."

"Ive, this is my _origin_ story. It says so right here," Harley points to the accompanying plaque then turned back to the memory, "Look, your origin story's how you become who you are. If it's screwed up, no surprise I am. Ugh, let me see this."

She hops over the velvet rope barrier at the same time Dr. Psycho, in another room, finds the Brain Manual Override switch.

"Ha! Reboot time," he said in a singsong voice.

Back with the ladies, Ivy was trying to talk Harley out of her idea, "Um, I, uh, I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't-"

It was too late; the blonde with the pigtails reached her hand into the memory and caused a security alarm to blare out and the white walls to turn red.

The override switch disappeared and Psycho growled, "No one listens to me!"

He quickly joins the others as they were gathered together again due to hearing the siren.

"Who touched something?! Who did it? Was I not clear about the stripper rules?!" shouted the telepath.

"I was just trying to touch myself. That_ is_ a stripper rule," answered Harley.

"You triggered a brain lockdown! We need to get out of here before-" he looked towards the exit doors as they vanished, "Ah! Before that happens. Now we're trapped."

**-(Back in the real world)-**

Kurama, still possessing Naruto's body, was lounging in the living room of the apartment while eating some potato chips and drinking a soda as the bodies of Harley and the others still lay where they fell. He was also watching a movie on television; the feature in question was an old Godzilla movie entitled _Ghidorah the Three-Headed Monster_.

**"Tch, I can't believe **_**he's**_** considered to be king of the monsters. Shit, I bet I can beat him without breaking a sweat,"** sneered the nine-tailed fox, watching the mutated dinosaur fight a three-headed dragon.

He took a sip of his soda until he felt a subtle pressure in his lower stomach and knew what it meant.

He stood up, **"The best thing about being a creature made of chakra is the lack of bathroom trips."**

Forced to answer the call of nature, Kurama went into the bathroom and barely a few seconds passed before the door slid open and in came Sy followed by a married couple and their baby in a stroller.

"Now, this apartment's a beaut. It's got a lot of light, perfect place for a fami-Jesus Christ!" he soon saw the bodies lying about in the living room.

The old man turned back to his possible new tenants, "Alright, this place isn't ready. You'll come back tomorrow. Tomorrow."

The pair was stunned by the sight and not moving so Sy yelled, "Why aren't you moving? Tomorrow, get out! Get out!"

He managed to usher them out though they left their child behind in the hurry.

"You forgot the baby!" Sy pushed the stroller out the door, waking the baby and making it cry before shutting the door.

His mechanical leg opened up to reveal a red phone inside; he grabbed and pulled out the receiver.

"Alright, let's see now. Let's see. Why do they print the numbers so small?" he mumbled to himself as he pushed in a number.

He held it up to his ear and soon got an answer, "Black Mamba, this is Gerbil. It happened again."

**-(Harley's mind)-**

"No, no, no, no. The fuck? Are we trapped in here?" Ivy growled at Dr. Psycho, "You need to tell me right now if we're trapped in here! 'Cause I'm gonna freak the fuck out! What's gonna happen to my plants, man?"

"Girl, we need to get you friends," added King Shark.

"'Oh, we wanna come with you. We're afraid you're gonna mind molest her!'" the telepath mocked them then he snarled, "Now who's the mind molesters? You! You are the mind molesters!"

He went on to rant when King heard the sound of a child crying then he looked over and saw a child-version of Harley, sobbing sadly.

The kindhearted shark-man went over to her and knelt down to her, "Aaw, are you lost, little girl?"

She looked up at him with teary eyes and nodded then he put on a sweet smile and wiped away some of her tears before taking her hand, "No need for tears munchkin. I'll help you find your way."

The child smiled happily before her eyes glowed a demonic yellow, her teeth became sharp, and she let out an animalistic snarl; she grabbed his arm and slammed him into the floor repeatedly.

"Ow! Oh! Oh!" King yelped in pain then his tiny attacker threw him down, climbed on top of him, and started pummeling his face.

"Get off me! Oh, stop! This small child is killing me!" he cried out.

His pint-sized attacker was about to continue the beating until she was kicked off of him by Harley and sent flying into a nearby wall then fell to the floor in a twisted heap.

The others arrived when King Shark asked Harley, "Why did that sweet little you attack me?"

"Oh, yeah, I wasn't sweet at that age. Or any age, really. But yeah, I was a total shit back then," she answered.

**"Shit,"** muttered the disguised Naruto, thinking she would have been one hell of a newbie genin back in his homeworld.

Psycho quickly spoke, "And that is exactly why the brain sent it. It thinks we're intruders. And yes, if we die in Harley's mind, we die in real life!"

"Ooh, _Nightmare on Elm Street_ rules," said Clayface.

As they spoke, the mangled Little Harley managed to reset its twisted body back to normal and stand up before pointing at the intruders and letting out a horrific scream as more Little Harleys started appearing.

"Do you have any insights on what we should do here?" the telepath asked his boss as the brain's new security guards started closing in.

Harley quickly answered, "Run!"

"Yeah, that's what I was gonna say!" agreed Psycho.

"Exit with alacrity!" advised his shapeshifter comrade then the whole group ran for their lives with the Little Harleys chasing after them.

They were pursued through the halls until another group of their pint-sized enemies blocked off their escape.

"Harleys, this is Harley! Stop!" the pale-skinned beauty tried to get through to them.

It did not work as one of them leapt at the group but King Shark intervened and bit her in half before the group split up and ran. The upper half of the kid latched onto the shark-man's leg and he had to kick her off, whispering an apology to her.

A Little Harley was pursuing Ivy when it leapt for her but was grabbed by the leg and thrown into a wall by Red X, **"Back off!"**

The master thief followed his redhead lover while Dr. Psycho was dealing with two Little Harleys that soon lunged at him; he quickly used his mental powers to slam them into each other. The end result turned out to be some kind of nightmarish pair of conjoined twins from a horror movie.

"God, I hate brain physics," he snarled before making a run for it.

The real Harley was being chased by two demonic manifestations of her younger self when she skidded to a halt in front of a memory portrait and grabbed one of the poles from the velvet barrier.

She held it like a baseball bat then grinned at the Little Harleys, "Hey, quit it and I'll tell you where Mom hides the makeup."

The short-statured psychos looked at each other for a second then lunged at the blonde adult who immediately batted one away and smacked the other into the floor.

"Dammit! I was sure that was gonna work," she said.

Dr. Psycho called out, "Come on! Stop fucking around and follow me! We got an elevator."

There was indeed an elevator and he quickly led everyone into it as the Little Harleys kept chasing after the supposed intruders; one of the vicious kids leapt towards them but the doors closed in time to decapitate her.

The group watched the head roll on the floor then Red X sighed, **"Honestly, not my worst experience with kids."**

"No offense Harls but after seeing all that, it's, in a way, comforting to know that you've always been this fucked up," Ivy said to her best friend.

The blonde with the pigtails agreed, "Yeah, isn't it? You know, I'm starting to realize why my mother recycled so many wine bottles back then."

"Fun as this has been, let's get the fuck out of here, alright? There should be an emergency exit to the real world in Harley's subconscious somewhere, which I think is this button right here," Psycho went over to a button pad in the shape of Harley's brain.

He was trying to reach when the Little Harley head suddenly came back to life and bit King Shark on the leg, causing him to scream and thrash about in fright; he ended up backing his dorsal fin into a button on the pad.

The elevator started to move when the telepath growled, "Okay, your stupid fin hit the wrong button, dummy!"

"Do not fin shame me," King Shark retorted as Harley smashed the head of her younger self like a watermelon.

Their lift flew through Harley's brain and soon came to a stop; the doors opened and everyone was startled by the sight of a giant Sy and an unknown elderly woman in black looking down at them.

"He must have hit the button to the optic nerve," informed Dr. Psycho.

"Ooh, looking through the eyes of another. Now it appears we're playing by _Being John Malkovich_ rules," said Clayface.

_"Another suicide cult,"_ said Sy from the real world, obviously referring to the 'Suicide Squad' t-shirts their bodies were still wearing.

* * *

"If word gets out, I'll never be able to rent this fakakta apartment," he said in a distressed tone.

The elderly lady, whose name was Golda, put on the latex gloves she brought with her, "So let's make sure it doesn't. Where's the bleach and the bone saw?"

"No, no time for that. And I'm not paying to re-carpet this place."

"So we call our explosives guy."

"He exploded."

"Well, I guess eventually, the worms will get us all."

"Oy," groaned Sy.

"Jesus. Why not burn down the place and take the insurance? A little Jewish lightning never hurt anyone," Golda suggested with a smirk.

An idea soon came to the old man's mind, "A fire. Brilliant! We'll burn the bodies in this old furnace I own!"

His suggestion got his lady cohort chuckling, "Oh, yes! There's the Sy who armed Bin Laden in the 80s. Let's do this."

She bent down to pick up Harley's body but was a bit disturbed by the open eyes.

"Close slutty Casper's eyes, will ya? Feels like she's watching me," she requested.

Sy smirked, "Sure thing, baby."

He closed Harley's eyes and they got to work in picking up the 'lifeless' forms but what they did not know was someone was eavesdropping on their conversation.

* * *

"'Slutty Casper'? Seriously? Now I'm some kind of whore ghost? I'm a fuckin' clown! A clown! Why is that _so_ hard to understand?" Harley yelled angrily.

**"Maybe your concept's too vague?"** suggested Red X.

She groaned then Ivy spoke up, "I can't believe Sy used to be like a spy. He's so . . ."

"Gross. You're looking for gross," said the blonde with the pigtails.

"Yeah, that's it," nodded the redhead as the elevator doors closed.

King Shark asked, "What's 'Jewish Lightning'?"

"Perhaps Black Lightning's Israeli cousin," Clayface suggested.

"Excuse me! But am I the only one who heard that they're gonna burn our fucking bodies?!" yelled Dr. Psycho.

"So, stop yapping and do something!" Harley picked him up like if he were a child and held him to the button pad.

Despite how silly he looked, the telepath was able to push the correct button and the elevator flew downwards; they soon arrived at their destination.

"Harley, welcome to your subconscious," said Dr. Psycho as the doors opened.

What they saw was a grim-looking carnival filled with barkers . . . and they were all Joker; they all started doing their barking.

"Step right up."

"Guess your Wi-Fi password."

"Whack-an-insecurity."

"Try your hand at a game."

"Take your chance."

"Step right up."

The group walked through the carnival as Harley facepalmed and groaned in embarrassment, "Ugh, are you shitting me?"

**"Yeah, this isn't awkward whatsoever,"** said Red X, sarcastically.

His blonde lover grew more embarrassed from hearing that.

Her redhead best friend spoke up next, "So I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say you're not totally over your ex-boyfriend yet. I mean, are you sure that this glitch is _just_ in your origin story?"

Before Harley could answer, they found themselves in front of a Joker and his stand.

He grinned at the aspiring supervillainess, "Yes, you, young lady, the one with the smeared lipstick who is still clearly obsessed with me. Try your luck at a game of skill? Win Daddy's Love!"

The barker presented his game with the large heart-shaped sign that read 'Win Daddy's Love!'

The blonde with the pigtails responded, "Yeah, not gonna bother with that one."

"Oh, I know. It's rigged," added King Shark.

Dr. Psycho started leading them away, "Come on! Spread out and look for the emergency exit, all right? And stay focused!"

They barely took two steps when another Joker stepped out in front of them, "Step right up! Step right up! We have a new attraction."

He steps aside to reveal a black-colored building similar to a funhouse and it had hearts and kiss marks painted all over it; it also had a sign that read 'The Live XXX Show'.

"Come one, come all! To our new live sex show! Featuring the kinkiest fantasies! We got whips! We got hot wax! We got handcuffs! Come one, come all!" the barker soon laughed.

Everyone was stunned then Psycho said, "Could be in there."

"Oh fuck no!" yelled Harley.

**"Yeah, we're leaving. Now,"** agreed Red X.

Before they could walk away, the horrifying scream of the Little Harleys rang out then they started appearing as the Jokers ran away in fear; the short-statured security guards spotted their targets and ran right for them.

"Yep, X is right. Time to leave," said the telepath quickly.

Everyone ran for their lives once again as they were pursued by the demonic versions of Harley's childhood self. One even tried pouncing upon Dr. Psycho but King Shark bit and threw her into a nearby wall though there were still more coming. The group had ran past a merry-go-round when Clayface got the idea to stretch his arms forward and grab two stands then knock them over once they passed by. This worked in stopping some of their pursuers except for the ones who jumped over the makeshift roadblock.

One Little Harley took to running along the underside of a roller coaster track and was catching up to Red X and the ladies. Harley soon noticed their tiny chaser and pushed Ivy and their shared boyfriend out of the way then booted her younger self away. They were about to move when a second small psychopath leapt down from above and bit into the side of X's neck; the Kevlar of his suit kept her from completely sinking her teeth into him but she still broke the skin.

**"Ah!" **he cried out in pain.

Both Ivy and Harley saw this and cried out, "X!"

** "You fucking little spider monkey!"** the thief and assassin growled before grabbing the pint-sized beast and throwing her into a nearby game stand.

**"Move!"** he commanded then the trio resumed running.

Harley looked at the blood on his neck, "Babe, you're bleeding!"

**"Just a flesh wound. I'm fine."**

She bore her teeth as they caught up with the others, "That's it! The only Harley allowed to bite my boyfriend is me!"

The aspiring supervillainess picks up a mallet from a strength tester then leads the group towards a swing ride that they all hopped and hung onto while the lady clown swung her new weapon at every nearby Little Harley.

"Ha!" smirked Harley.

Her boasting was cut short due to another child version of herself messing with the ride, causing it to break and crumble down. The villains and Red X pulled themselves out of the debris; everyone was unharmed but they soon saw a pack of Little Harleys creeping towards them.

Their backs were against a condemned building with a sign that appropriately said, 'Dead End' and Clayface exclaimed, "We're trapped!"

Red X stepped out in front of them and glared at their pursuers, **"Good. I'm sick of running from these things."**

He walked towards the Little Harleys as the real Harley called out, "What are you doin'?!"

**"I'm gonna discipline these little brats,"** he answered.

The master thief and assassin made his way towards the little psycho children who looked at him like wolves after a small rabbit then he shouted at them, **"Bring it!"**

That was all the brain's security needed to charge forth and pile onto him in no time.

Harley and Ivy tried to rush in to help but they were held back by Dr. Psycho using his mental powers, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you two doing?"

"We gotta help him!" answered the pale-skinned blonde.

"Leave him. He can handle himself. He's Red fucking X!"

"They'll kill him!" argued Ivy.

"Eh, then his death will be a sacrifice in our favor," shrugged the telepath.

Harley yelled, "That's fucked up, Psycho!"

Suddenly, the mangled and bloodied body of a Little Harley landed beside the group of villains and they shouted in surprise; Psycho even released the ladies from his mental hold.

"Holy shit!" cried out Harley.

"Well I'm traumatized now," said King Shark.

"See? This is what I was talking about! The guy's a fucking psychopath!" shouted Psycho.

The vicious shrieks of the Little Harleys soon captured the villains' attention; they looked to see Red X taking on the pint-sized beasts . . . and he was winning. He swung one of the demonic children around like a baseball bat and used her to bash his surrounding foes before pinning her to the floor and ripping her leg off. Harley and the others soon winced in fright when they saw the master thief and assassin shove the dismembered limb through the head of a brat trying to attack him.

Red X followed up by using his clawed gauntlets to dig his fingers into the midriff of a nearby Little Harley and rip out a handful of black goop and flesh before shoving her away. Another lunged at him but he caught and threw his attacker to the ground where he stomped on her neck so hard that he decapitated her; he proceeded to kick the head into the face of an oncoming Little Harley. Two more of them soon pounced onto his back and were about to bite him though he fell backwards and crushed their little bodies under his weight. He quickly got to his feet in time to see more of the vile little monsters charging at him yet he ran straight for them and right into the heart of the pack.

It was here he let loose punches and kicks left and right, using his clawed gauntlets to slash and slice, and made use of a multitude of martial arts to dispatch the Little Harleys. Off to the side, the group of villains watched the whole thing with wide and fixated eyes.

"So . . . should we still help?" asked Ivy.

"I-I-I-I want to . . . but I can't move or look away," answered a mesmerized Harley.

"Indeed. It's like a ballet with blood and gore. Beautiful yet bloody," said Clayface.

The villains watched as Red X grabbed a Little Harley by the back of the head and dunked her face into a pot of boiling oil on a fried dough stand; his short-statured foe struggled for a bit before going limp. Another one of the brain's security guards leapt onto his left shoulder before he grabbed her and swung her into the edge of game stand counter where her head split apart upon impact. A third Little Harley was about to attack when the master thief shoved both of his armored hands into her chest, held her up, and ripped her apart vertically.

Red X's suit was now covered in black goop; he soon looked around and saw the dead and mutilated bodies of the Little Harleys before he turned towards the group of villains who were shocked at the spectacle they just witnessed.

**"What? They weren't real,"** said X as he went over to them, wiping some of the goop off his body.

"Still, that was horrifying," said King Shark.

"Yeah. And it was . . . FUCKIN' EPIC!" grinned Harley.

"Wait, what?" asked Ivy.

The blonde went over to her boyfriend and trailed a finger across his goop-covered chest, "Watchin' ya slaughter those little freaks was the most exciting thing I ever saw."

Needless to say, the lady clown was a bit horny right now.

She looked up at Red X, "Please tell me that's the kind of thing you do for work."

**"Pretty much. Except these were evil constructs of your mind. And they had no bones. Or organs,"** he answered.

A loud and horrifying scream filled the air, startling everyone; it was the loudest scream they have ever heard so far.

"The fuck was that?" asked Ivy.

"Ah shit! Your fucking boyfriend upped the stakes! Because he wiped out those Harleys, the brain now believes it is in greater danger than it originally thought. So now, it's sending a larger amount of things after us!" shouted Dr. Psycho.

**"Oops,"** said Red X.

Harley gave him a kind smile and a pat on his shoulder, "Aww, it's okay, baby. I know you were just trying to help."

It was not long until the Little Harleys were showing up and like Psycho said, there were a lot more than before; the master thief and assassin was ready for another rumble.

"Our doom is approaching! What I wouldn't give for a deus ex machina right now!" cried out Clayface.

Suddenly, the door to the 'Dead End' building opened up behind them to reveal a cloaked figure.

"Follow me. I know the way," said the mystery person before retreating back inside.

"Sorry you didn't get that 'machina' you were talking about but at least that guy showed up out of nowhere to help us for no reason," grinned King Shark.

As the Little Harleys made their way over, the villains and Red X ran inside the building except for King who smashed through the wall instead of using the door. The group then burst out from a pair of double doors to the outside in time to see the unknown individual take down a large tarp and reveal a metal hatch with a sign that read, 'Emergency Exit' above it.

Dr. Psycho grinned, "Hey, hey, this is it! Thank you for helping us . . . whoever the fuck you are."

The person lowered their hood to reveal themselves to be a pre-teen Frankie Muniz.

"Oh my God! It's 11-year old Frankie Muniz?" grinned Harley.

"Hi, Harley," smiled Frankie.

"He knows my name. I could die," she shook Ivy and Red X in excitement.

"Yeah, this isn't creepy," retorted Ivy sarcastically.

The child star shook his head, "No, it's not like that."

**"Better not be,"** grunted X.

"No, no. I had a major crush on him when I was a kid," explained the blonde with the pigtails.

"Well, I guess that's different," shrugged the eco-terrorist and the master thief.

"Yeah, I was planning to kidnap him, marry him, then once we hit puberty, I was gonna tell him that I was taking birth control but then, like, not take it and I'd get pregnant with his kid."

"Mmm-hmm," nodded Frankie.

"And back to creepy," said Ivy.

**"Yep,"** agreed Red X.

He was starting to think it was a blessing he had never met Harley when she was younger.

"I know what's going on here. He was Harley's first true love. So, some small, sane part of her brain sent her a vision of him to help us," explained Dr. Psycho.

"That's right," replied the child star then he turned to Harley, "Good luck, Harley. BTW, all those times you stared at my poster in your bedroom, I was staring back."

The aspiring supervillainess gained a huge grin, "I knew it!"

He put his hood back on, "Take care."

Frankie took his leave then Psycho said, "Let's go. There's two geriatrics trying to burn our bodies before _NCIS_ comes on."

**-(Back in the real world at an abandoned shopping mall)-**

"You know, I forgot how much fun moving and destroying dead bodies is," grinned Sy as he and Golda threw King Shark, Clayface, and Poison Ivy down a flight of escalators.

"Nothing gets the heart racing like one that's stopped completely,'" chuckled his companion as she tossed down Dr. Psycho.

Sy laughed then sighed happily, "Ah, Golda. Do you ever regret not having spy kids together?"

"Nah. I have normal kids and normal grandkids. I lead a good normal life now, Sy," smiled Golda as they tossed down Harley Quinn's still-frozen form.

"Ah, well, what if it's not too late? Eh?" the old man grinned then pulled out his wallet and took out a card, "I still have my license to kill."

"That's your AARP card," said his lady friend.

"Oh," he looked at the card before putting it back, "Yeah, well, the kill thing is in here somewhere. I may be old, Golda, but there's nothing I can't handle."

Sy gave a lecherous chuckle as he pulled a giggling Golda onto his lap then they looked at the bodies below.

"Well, the neighborhood kids don't call me Old Scary Machine Man for nothing," he pushed a button on his left armrest.

"Now there's a monster for ya," chuckled Golda as a set of handlebars popped up behind Sy, as did a helicopter propeller that spun to life.

The old man grabbed the handles then started grunting and groaning as he worked to get his wheelchair airborne.

"Come on, get that piece of rust working," grumbled Golda.

It was not long before Sy was successful and they were slowly ascending into the air.

He cheered, "Booyah! Up! Up! And-"

The propeller slowed to a stop, "I'm out of diesel."

The geriatrics went crashing down and landed near their intended victims, surprisingly not hurt from the fall.

**-(Back in Harley's mind)-**

"Come on, come on. They're probably heating up the furnace right now," urged Dr. Psycho.

Harley was about to go down the hatch when a bright light fell upon the group and got their attention; they spied what appeared to be an island holding a grim-looking prison.

"Is that-?" she asked.

The telepath spoke, "Repressed Memory Island? Yeah. That's where you keep all your screwed-up memories. Trust me, you do not want to go anywhere near it."

The blonde climbed out of the hatch, "Ive, remember the glitch in my origin story?"

"Oh, so you think it's like a repressed memory or something?" Ivy caught on to what her friend was getting at.

"Right. And it's on that island."

"Oh, then we gotta go."

"And what did I just say about going to that island? We are all going to be burned to death if we don't leave your mind right now!" objected Psycho.

"Okay, fine. Then the rest of you guys go. I'm not leaving. In the real world, I'm still catatonic, drooling all over myself," Harley left the group to make her way towards Repressed Memory Island.

"Okay, she made her choice. Let's go," said the telepath.

He was about to crawl into the hatch when Ivy announced, "I'm going with Harley."

"Of course you are. She's your only friend," the annoyed little man glared at her.

"True. But that's only because she's one of the few people in this world I think is worth a shit," replied the eco-terrorist.

Red X stepped forward, **"And obviously, I'm going too."**

This just made Psycho angrier, "Oh fuckin' hell! And what's _your_ excuse? Can't be a man-slut with only one girlfriend?"

**"Okay, that's twice now. One more and I'm breaking your little arms,"** threatened X, **"And I'm going after Harley because I actually love and care about her. Though I'm pretty sure the concept eludes an angry little munchkin like yourself."**

Ivy tried to hold in a laugh as the telepath grumbled and growled about that 'munchkin' comment.

The redhead quickly calmed down and cleared her throat, "Plus, the rest of you owe it to Harley to help her."

She looked at Clayface, "Hey, Clayface, how many acting jobs did you get before Harley came along?"

"Well, I filled in for the dog that played Air Bud when he was run over . . . be me . . . on the second to the last day of shooting . . . you know what? I'm in," said the shapeshifter.

"And Psycho, who took you in when, literally, the worst people on the planet turned you away?" she asked the telepath.

"Fine! I'm in," he growled.

Ivy turned to King Shark, "And King Shark, let's all remember the time-"

"I'm in!" shouted the grinning shark-man.

"Oh thank God, 'cause I had nothing," she turned back to Psycho, "Alright, _Doctor_, help your patient."

"Alright, alright, alright, I got a plan," he said.

Harley walked down a dock, going towards Repressed Memory Island to figure out the glitch in her memory but she was unaware of the Little Harleys crawling underneath her as they said "We'll have fun!" and "Hey, come play with us."

It wasn't long before the demonic children burst their way topside and the real Harley was soon surrounded by the visions of her younger self as they kept saying "We'll have fun." and "Come play with us." as they moved in for the kill.

The lady clown tore a board from the dock and got ready for a fight, "If I go down, I'm taking all you little shits with me!"

Before a fight could break out, the sound of Dr. Psycho crying out "Whoa!" filled the air as he rolled down the pier like a thrown bowling ball. He soon collided with the Little Harleys and knocked them away like pins then the real Harley moved out of the way so the telepath could 'pick up the spare' and take out the rest.

He finally stopped rolling and yelled, "That was not the plan!"

The rest of the group arrived as Ivy said, "We got your back, Harls."

**"Fuck yeah, we do,"** agreed Red X.

Harley smiled, "Aww, you guys."

Their happy moment left as the Little Harleys climbed back onto the dock and pushed their targets to the edge where it bordered shark-filled waters. The pint-sized nightmares out in front started shooting out their jaws like Xenomorphs, adding to their freakiness factor.

"We might be fucked. You guys totally should have left," said Harley.

**"Fuck this. I killed 'em once and I can do it again,"** said Red X.

He was about to step forward when Clayface held his arm out and stopped him, "No. I know what needs to be done."

The shapeshifter turned to the lady clown, "Harley Quinn, it has been the utmost pleasure to serve in your company."

He walked over to the Little Harleys as his boss replied, "Clayface, no!"

The walking blob of clay suddenly transformed into the one thing he knew could pacify the evil girls – an 11-year old Frankie Muniz.

His plan worked as the Little Harleys quickly turned from vicious monsters into squealing fangirls as they cried out "I love you, Frankie!" and "Give me babies!"

"Well, hello. It is I, Frankie Muniz!" Clayface called out before he ran up the dock as his new admirers followed him.

**"There goes the bravest blob of clay I have ever met,"** Red X said in a respectful tone.

"Ah, screw this. Now, how the hell are we gonna get to that island?" Dr. Psycho asked angrily.

Their dilemma was resolved thanks to King Shark carrying the rest of the group on his back across the water.

"I cannot believe this. I mean, it is just the most unlikely set of circumstances that would put me about 70% shark, in a situation that pretty much demands a mostly shark man," laughed the shark-man as he swam.

They soon reached Repressed Memory Island where King's passengers got off his back.

"Oh, we made it," cheered Harley as everyone gazed at the new destination.

**"Not exactly a prime vacation destination. Unless you're Dracula or Frankenstein's monster,"** stated Red X.

Dr. Psycho suddenly started pulling on his collar and fanning his face, "Is it me or is it getting kind of warm around here?"

**-(Back in the real world)-**

Dr. Psycho's body was propped up against a brick oven in an old pizzeria within the mall as Golda was feeling the heat coming from the flames.

"Sy, the fire's good and hot," she reported.

Sy rolls over to her and grins, "Then what are we waiting for? Let's get to cremating!"

"Cremating!"

Before either of them could do anything, the geriatrics suddenly felt something sharp at each of their throats.

**"Turn around. Slowly,"** said a deep voice behind them.

Sy and Golda did just that and were shocked to see that the mystery person was Red X; he was holding two small knives to their necks. This time, it was Kurama behind the mask and his natural voice coming through the vocal modifier made him sound quite terrifying.

"Ah shit, Red X," grumbled the old man.

**"Hate to spoil your cremating fun but I cannot let it happen,"** said the disguised demon fox.

He was tempted to let them burn Harley to a crisp while sparing the others, especially Ivy, but he knew he would never hear the end of it from Naruto if that happened.

'Red X' looked at Golda, **"I couldn't help overhearing how you have kids and grandkids. I get the sense you'd love to see them again after this."**

She nodded in fear, "Yeah, I would. Very much."

** "Then here's what is going to happen. I'm going to let you go and you are going to leave this place and forget you were ever here. Understand?"**

"You got it. No problem," Golda answered immediately.

**"Good,"** Kurama took the knife away from her neck, **"Now go."**

With a sigh of relief and great haste, the elderly lady left the pizzeria then exited the abandoned mall altogether.

'Red X' glared at Sy, **"Now, old man, you and I are going to have a long talk."**

The old man with the mechanical limbs could not help gulping in fear before giving a nervous smile.

**-(Repressed Memory Island in Harley's mind)-**

The group was inside and immediately noticed that the place had a familiar look to it.

"Why does it look like Arkham?" asked Harley.

Dr. Psycho answered, "Because your sick brain is trying to lock up memories so vile that you repress them, so do not look-okay, why do I even try?"

The rest of the group was crowding around a metal door as they slid open the little viewing window and peered inside to watch another memory from Harley's childhood.

_"When's Daddy done with his business meeting?" _the younger Harley asked her mother who was drinking a glass of wine.

The little girl watched in horror from the kitchen window as one guy held her father back while another slugged him in the face a few times, knocked him to the ground, then took all of the money in his wallet.

"That's enough," said Ivy.

**"Yeah,"** Red X shut the window then they moved on.

They soon came upon another door, opened the little viewing window, and saw it was another memory from Harley's childhood with her sitting on her bed in her room.

She was reading a letter out loud, _"'If you violate the restraining order again, Mr. Muniz will take legal action.'"_

The little girl blew a kiss to the Frankie Muniz on her poster before crumpling up the note, _"See ya soon, Frankie."_

"So _that's_ why I went to juvie," grinned the real Harley before they closed the window and continued their search.

They walked down the hall until Harley suddenly heard the oh-so familiar laugh of the Joker; she looked and saw it was coming from a door with yellow police tape across it and a large sign that said 'DON'T!'. They all go over it and the aspiring supervillainess rips away the warning and tape before opening the door to reveal another memory . . . and it was the exact one they were looking for. It was herself as Dr. Harleen Quinzel and she was with Joker, standing on a walkway over some acid vats inside Ace Chemicals.

"This is it!" cheered Harley as they gathered around to watch.

Red X, instead, looked away as the memory played out.

_"Here we are, puddin'. Dive in as Harleen Quinzel and rise as Harley Quinn! My beautiful creation,"_ said the Clown Prince of Crime.

"Okay, look, here it comes. Here's when that piece of shit pushes me in the acid," said Harley.

Nobody heard the quiet sigh her boyfriend gave off.

The Joker in the memory spoke again, _"If you love me, then jump. And you'll be mine. Forever."_

Dr. Quinzel smiled, _"A dream come true, puddin'."_

It looked like she was going to dive off the walkway and the real Harley was about to cry out when someone called out, _**"Harley, no!"**_

The group of villains and the Joker and Dr. Quinzel in the memory were surprised to see Red X drop down from above and land on the walkway.

_"Red?"_ asked the psychiatrist upon seeing him.

Joker just sneered at the master thief and assassin, _"Oh great, this guy."_

The Harley crew and Ivy looked back and saw their Red X was still with them thus confirming that the newcomer was part of the memory; they resumed watching.

_"Red, what are you doing here? How did you even find me?" _Dr. Quinzel asked the master thief.

_**"I have my ways. And I'm here to stop you from making a huge mistake,"**_he answered, stepping towards her.

_"And what mistake would that be?" _grinned a smug Joker.

_**"Following your pale ass, you psychotic piece of shit,"**_ Red X held out his hand to Harleen, _**"Harley, you don't have to follow Joker. He's doesn't love you. He never did."**_

_"Lies! Such filthy lies! Don't listen to him, puddin'!"_ shouted the Clown Prince, faking disdain.

_**"Shut it, clown!"**_

The pale supervillain just chuckled as the master thief resumed speaking to the doctor in the room, _**"Harley, come with me. Unlike him, I actually care about you. He'll only hurt you. Don't go with him."**_

Joker smirked, _"Hmm, he's right. Maybe you should go with him."_

Harleen turned to her villainous love, _"What?"_

_"Yes, go with him. Stay the stiff and boring Dr. Harleen Quinzel you are now . . . or choose me as well as the freedom that only I can give you. Quite a no-brainer, really."_

She looked back at Red X, back at Joker, and then back at the master thief before giving him a slight glare, _"No, X, I choose my Joker. You don't know him like I do. He loves and cares about me, he wants to free me from my shit of a life. You just want to keep me in it. You're the one who never cared about me! So you can fuck off and get the fuck out of my life! Forever!"_

_ "Preach, puddin'! Preach!" _cheered Joker.

_**"Harley-"**_Red X reached for Harleen but she suddenly jumped off the walkway and fell towards one of the vats of acid below.

"NO!" screamed the real Harley and it was not long until there was the sound of a large splash.

"So that's what really happened," said Ivy after seeing the whole memory.

No sooner did she say that did Harley fall to her knees and buried her face into her hands.

Everyone else soon noticed her state then the redhead quickly knelt down beside her, "Whoa, Harley. Are you okay?"

Harley took her hands away and revealed the sad look on her face, complete with tears in the corners of her eyes, "No, Ive . . . I'm not."

"Oh Harls . . . "

"All this time . . . I thought Joker pushed me . . . that it wasn't my choice . . . but it was . . . all of it . . ."

Ivy started piecing things together as the memory reset, "So . . . you told yourself it was out of your control?"

"Yeah, because it was easier to blame him than accept the truth."

"And the truth being, what, exactly?"

"That it was _my_ choice . . . I was in control all along . . . of everything . . . " the tears finally fell.

It was at this point Red X came over, knelt down beside her, and placed a hand on her shoulder.

Harley looked at him then wrapped her arms around him, "Oh Red . . ."

He held her close and gently stroked the back of her head then spoke softly to her, **"Shh. There, there."**

"I'm so sorry . . . I shouldn't have said those things to you . . . I shouldn't have chosen Joker over you . . . I should have listened to you . . . I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," she sniffed and sobbed into his chest.

**"I know you are, Harley. I know you are," **he gently turned her face up towards his and wiped away her tears, **"But that's in the past now. You can move on and look towards your future. And this time, I'll be right here beside you. Every step of the way."**

His mouth was soon revealed and he proceeded to lovingly kiss Harley who returned the action with just as much emotion. The scene touched Ivy and King Shark with the former wiping away a small tear as the latter was trying to keep from bawling; Dr. Psycho just rolled his eyes and looked away.

The kiss soon ended then Harley smiled a little, "Thank you. And you're right. I _can_ move on."

She stood up as the memory reset itself again, "But there's something I gotta do first."

The next thing she did was walk into the room as Joker spoke to Dr. Quinzel, _"If you love me, then jump. And you'll be mine. Forever."_

Harley soon phased into her former self, took control, and responded, "Hard pass."

This surprised the clown, _"Wha-what?"_

"I said no, you fuckin' idiot."

_"But you have to jump, you can't change this. I mean, it's already happened. It's your origin story!"_

"Wrong! It's not my origin story. My _real _origin story didn't happen here. It happened in your lair," the scenery soon changed into the interior of Joker's funhouse.

"And I wasn't wearing this costume," Harley ripped her former attire off to reveal her true self and summoned her baseball bat, "And believe me, I wasn't saying you were a dream come true. I was saying, 'Go fuck yourself!'"

Joker spoke up, _"Harley, stop this nonsense. I-"_

She jabbed the tip of her bat into his chest before pushing him backwards, "I know you think you created me, but no one did! My fucked-up parents didn't make me the way I am."

Next, she shoved him, "Neither did Jessica Sarner when she fucking lied to the whole camp and said I lost my virginity to a horse! A horse!"

Harley jabbed her blunt weapon into the clown's crotch angrily, "Or those cops who questioned me for hours about what happened to Jessica Sarner."

She pointed at him, "And you sure as hell didn't fucking create me, puddin'!"

Joker slapped her hand away, _"Yeah? Well, I named you."_

"You got Harley Quinn out of Harleen Quinzel? Nice work, genius!" Harley mocked before striking the clown across the face with her bat.

He got a bloody nose, a tooth was knocked out, and he fell to the floor in a daze.

"You didn't make me, Joker. I made myself."

_"But you can't change your memories! This isn't Eternal Sunshine rules!" _Joker protested.

Before anything else could be said, a pool table landed on top of the clown and the scenery changed once more to show the funhouse being completely demolished; he was still alive and cowering under the table.

Harley glared down at him, "My mind, my rules."

With that said, she dropped her fake bat and exited the memory to find herself back in her Museum of Memories with the others; her new origin story started playing and the red alarm lights stopped flashing.

This made the blonde with the pigtails sigh in relief, "Sanity restored . . . kinda."

She smiled at the group, "Thanks, gang. I owe you everything."

**"I'll just put it on your tab,"** Red X chuckled.

His pale-skinned lover giggled from his joke then Psycho said, "Okay, job done. Let's get outta here before we are burnt to a crisp."

He started leading everyone towards the exit then suddenly, an open door appeared on a wall near X; he looked and what he saw made him stop and his eyes widen in surprise.

The others did not notice and continued on their way when Harley asked, "Hey, has anyone seen Clayface?"

At that moment, a Little Harley appeared and got between them and the double doors leading to the real world.

"No! Because those little psycho shits killed him!" yelled Dr. Psycho in fright.

"Did not!" shouted the little girl before she changed into Clayface, revealing that he was alive and well.

"Apologies for the disguise. I had to 'go native' to thwart Harley's younger demons," the shapeshifter smiled.

Harley, King Shark, and Ivy rushed over and gave him a group hug with the blonde saying happily, "Oh, we're just glad you're alive."

"Thank you, friends," said the blob of clay.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is all nice and shit but we gotta move! Our bodies could be in the furnace as we speak!" insisted Dr. Psycho.

They were about to run to the exit when Harley soon looked and saw they were one person short, "Wait, where's X?"

The others looked and Red X was indeed gone.

"Are you fucking kidding me?! Now?! Of all times?!" shouted Dr. Psycho.

"Okay, okay, relax. You guys go and stop Sy from turning us into gross barbecue. I'll go and find Red X."

Ivy tried to object, "What? No, Harley. We're not leav-"

"We don't have time for this, Ive. Go! X and I will be right behind you. Hurry!" insisted the lady clown.

"You heard the lady! Let's go!" said Psycho.

Ivy and the rest of Harley's crew were forced to agree and run into the exit doors as Harley started running around the museum in her mind to find her boyfriend.

"Naruto? Naruto? Naruto! Where the fuck are you?" she called out.

Since her crew wasn't around, the aspiring supervillainess could use his real name.

She kept running about, "Seriously, Naruto, we gotta go! Come out!"

It was then something caught her eye and the lady clown skidded to a halt; she looked at it and was stunned.

"It can't be . . . "

On a nearby wall was a door or more specifically, it was the one to the office she had when she was still at Arkham Asylum. It read,

'Dr. Harleen Quinzel.'

Harley got closer and now could hear two people talking then she grabbed the knob and opened the door just a bit so she could listen better.

" . . . I guess even after all these years, I still feel guilty," said Naruto's natural voice.

A woman's voice replied soon after, "But you have nothing to feel guilty about. What happened wasn't your fault."

Harley immediately recognized the second voice as her own; she opened the door a little more to get a look inside and there was Naruto sitting on the couch with his helmet in his hands while across from him in a chair was her former self.

"I _willingly_ went with Joker. You didn't make me do a thing," said Harleen.

"I know . . . but I should have fought harder. I should have just grabbed you and taken you out of that building. Or after your dunk, I should have just knocked Joker the fuck out, took you, and ran. But instead . . . I just left."

"Taking me wouldn't have changed anything. I would have just run back to Joker the first chance I got. I mean I was seriously screwed up back then."

"But worst of all . . . I let my anger keep me from coming back to Gotham, keep me away from you and Ivy. There were so many times I wanted to come back but I just couldn't. Because I was too damn stupid and angry."

Harleen smiled a little then shook her head, "My God, you are _way_ too hard on yourself."

She got up, sat down next to him, and held his hand, "You're allowed to feel angry and you had every right to be back then. You were hurt by someone you cared about and loved a great deal."

Her patient let out a small sigh before Dr. Quinzel gently turned his face towards her, "You let your anger get the best of you and that's okay. You may be an incredible person but you're still only human and have all the emotions that go with being one."

Naruto nodded a little as she continued to speak, "Plus what was it you said to Harley? Something about it being in the past and moving on? Maybe it's time you do the same for yourself."

Her words caused him to chuckle and smile, "Damn . . . I hate when someone uses my own words against me. I guess I'm a fucking hypocrite."

"Maybe a little. But one with a heart too big for this world," smiled Harleen.

Naruto smiled back at her then suddenly, Harleen planted a kiss on his lips that he returned almost immediately. The real Harley saw it too and felt a bit jealous . . . but also a little turned-on as certain ideas filled her head.

Dr. Quinzel soon ended the kiss then placed her forehead against his, "I've wanted to do that ever since Harley found your card on the train."

Naruto gave her his trademark foxy grin before she called towards her office door, "You can come in now."

Harley soon snapped out of her daydreaming then she entered the office.

The thief and assassin looked up at her, "Oh. Hey, Harley."

"Hey," she said back then directed her gaze towards her former self, "This is seriously the weirdest thing to happen today."

Harleen smiled and stood up, "To see the vision of your former self in person?"

"No, to see that there's a sliver of sanity still left in my fucked-up noggin."

"Well who do you think sent Frankie to help you?"

"Oh, yeah, that's right," Harley looked at Naruto, "As much as it would be fun to have the kinkiest threesome right now, we gotta get going, babe."

Naruto quickly stood up, "Oh shit, right. My bad."

He put his helmet back on and became Red X once again, **"Let's go."**

Harleen came over, "Take care of yourselves. And of each other. Especially each other."

"We will," nodded Harley then she and the master thief left the office before it disappeared into thin air and made a beeline for the exit.

**-(The real world)-**

Harley and Red X soon woke up and found Ivy and Harley's crew watching over them then cheering upon seeing them open their eyes.

The redhead eco-terrorist rushed over and hugged the pair while smiling in relief, "Oh thank God, you two are all right. You guys scare me like that again and I'll kill the both of you."

**"Noted,"** Red X chuckled.

"What the fuck happened in there?" demanded Dr. Psycho.

"Just some last minute private business, Psycho. Nothing to freak about," Harley told him calmly.

"Well if it had something to do with some kind of kinky mind sex, I'll kill the both of you too!" shouted the telepath.

The lady clown rolled her eyes at him as Sy came over and said, "'Bout time you two woke up."

She glared at him before rushing over, grabbing the front of his shirt and hoisting him up until he was eye level with her, "You fuckin' tried to burn us alive, you asshole!"

"What? No, no, no. You guys looked cold so I did what any good citizen would do –bring you to a dead mall and try heating you up in an abandoned pizza oven," the old man smiled nervously.

The rest of the group gathered around and looked ready to beat him into submission.

"Okay, okay, I admit it. But hey, let me make it up to ya," Sy offered.

"How?" snarled Harley, still wanting to tear him apart.

"Ya see, I got the sense you were havin' problems finding a new place so I figured I could help," he grinned.

He was plopped back into his wheelchair as Ivy asked, "You want to help us find a new place?"

"I know it sounds strange but believe it or not, I got some friends in the real estate business. Any one of them can find you a good deal on anything you're lookin' for."

Sy kept trying to convince everyone of his idea as Harley split off from the group and looked around the mall and the more she looked, the more she liked what she saw.

"This is it," she grinned before calling back to the old man, "Hey Sy, what about this place?"

Everyone turned to her as the wheelchair-bound geriatric responded, "What about this place?"

"Think you can move us into here?"

"Here? But it's just mall I acquired for tax purposes," he said.

"And he just tried to kill us here," added Ivy as they all went over to Harley.

"But this place is perfect, it's a blank state. Ideal for helping us move forward with our futures. It will not define us, we will define it," pitched the blonde with the pigtails.

"Uh-huh. Can we define someplace else? This one's gross," grumbled Dr. Psycho.

"No," Harley answered the telepath before turning to Sy, "So what do you say, Sy?"

The old man wheeled over to her and chuckled, "You really are broken in the brain, aren't ya?"

"Yep."

"In that case, how about, we say, 100 grand a month?"

"How about a dollar and we still won't kill you for trying to kill us," Harley negotiated.

"Deal. But on one condition – you let me come along on some of your heists. Lugging around your dead husks made me feel alive again. I want back in the game, baby!" he suggested excitedly.

Harley thought about his offer, "Well you did manage to carry seven bodies to a pizza oven. I mean that's nothing. Deal!"

She held out her hand and Sy shook it with his mechanical arm to seal the deal . . . then the artificial limb popped off during mid-shake.

"Oh, that's not good," the blonde stated, looking at the detached arm she was still holding.

Sy, however, was calm about it, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't worry. It happens all the time. Anyone have a Philips head?"

**"Right here,"** Red X held up the requested tool, grabbed Sy's robotic arm, and started reattaching it to the old man.

Harley grinned, "Yes! Okay, gang, back to the apartment. We're movin' in."

"Real quick, Harley. I just gotta ask – where did you get the new ink?" Dr. Psycho started laughing, as did King Shark and Clayface.

"Huh?"

Ivy took out her compact mirror and handed it to Harley then pointed at her forehead, "There."

The blonde angled the mirror and soon gasped upon seeing that on her forehead was a crudely drawn penis.

"What the FUCK?!" she screamed angrily then her crew started laughing harder, "Was that there the whole time? Even during that enlightened speech of mine? Why didn't you guys tell me?"

"We just did," laughed the telepath as he rolled on the floor.

Harley glared at her crew, "Okay! Who did it?"

They were still guffawing as they shook their heads and Psycho answered, "Not us. We swear."

"Don't look at me. I was going to kill ya, no point in doing something like that if I was," said Sy.

The blonde turned to her best friend and gasped, "Ivy?"

"No, no. It wasn't me," said Ivy as she was starting to laugh too.

Harley looked at her new 'tattoo', "Well it wasn't X. He was with me in my mind. So who?"

The disguised Naruto soon discovered the answer when he suddenly heard Kurama's booming laughter.

'Really, Kurama? Really?' he asked the fox.

**'Hey. Sometimes, you gotta go for the easy joke,'** his partner just kept on laughing his tails off.

* * *

**I hope you all enjoyed this new chapter.**

**Spoiler for my next upload - it won't be another chapter of 'Harley Quinn's Red Mark'. I looked at my poll proposing my idea for that collection of lemons and it looks like 'Yes' is the clear and decisive winner! So the next update I will be the first chapter in the lemon collection. Also, I want to thank everyone who took part in my poll whether their decision was 'yes' or 'no'.**

**See you all next time!**


	6. Author's Note 1

**Hey guys!**

**First off, I wanted to tell you all that I'm sorry the next update is coming quite slowly. I don't have the same free time I used to have when I first started writing 'Harley Quinn's Red Mark.' My free time was due to the quarantine and my work was closed but now, my work has decided to re-open (despite it being a bad idea) so I do not have the leisure to write whenever I want to anymore. So things will be going rather slowly here for a while and I'm sorry for that and thank you all for you patience.**

**Another thing I wanted to tell you that for 'Harley Quinn's Red Mark', I will only be accepting suggestions for characters as long as they come from DC Comics. So sadly, this means no characters from other franchises and such but I will always gladly listen to what you have to say. Even if I cannot use them, your ideas and suggestions get my gears turning and give me ideas for the story.**

**Also until further notice, no other 'Naruto' characters will be appearing in the fic . . . unless it's in a flashback.**

**The last thing I want to mention is you can pitch ideas all you want but please do not push them onto me. It just makes me feel like I have to use those ideas or else I'll lose readers and followers. I cannot use every idea that is sent my way but like I said before, I do listen to them and they do give me ideas.**

**That's all I have to say right now. Again, thank you all for your patience during this time.**


	7. Ch 6 - A Tome for the Ages

**Here it is! The long awaited sixth chapter of Harley Quinn's Red Mark!**

**First of all, I want to thank you all for your patience and understanding. It really means a lot to me knowing that you were all willing to wait and did not aggressively harass me to update this story.**

**Second, I want to apologize for the long wait. I originally wanted to post this new chapter either before or on Christmas day so that way you guys had something to read over the holidays. But there was a lot more editing and revising to do than I originally thought. Now, I guess you can call this chapter a late Christmas present from me to all of you.**

**I hope you all like it, enjoy!**

* * *

Chapter 6: A Tome for the Ages

Throughout the following day, the Harley crew and Poison Ivy moved their belongings into the abandoned mall that would now be their home and lair. Harley, Clayface, and King Shark were excited about the change and could not wait to shape the place to their liking. The others, however, were not as enthusiastic; Ivy was concerned for her plants and Dr. Psycho hated the thought of living in a gross dump. Naruto also did not like the decision mostly because he hated the idea of his girlfriends living in a rundown building but he knew he could not change Harley's mind.

"I still say she should've gone with the volcano. At least that place had a supervillain vibe to it. This dump looks more like a breeding ground for STDs," grumbled Psycho as he and his two cohorts carried their belongings past the future living area where the couch was placed.

Clayface responded with a smile, "Oh come now, Psycho, this place is full of untapped potential. A blank canvas we can shape to our image."

"First of all, people don't shape canvases. And second, what fuckin' image? That we're a bunch of trolls living in garbage? We have no image!" scowled the telepath.

King chimed in, "If I may in-"

"I'd prefer you didn't."

The shark-man ignored that remark and continued, "I think this place fits us perfectly. I've noticed that our crew doesn't have a theme and neither does this mall. And just like Harley and Clayface said, we can turn this place into whatever we want."

Psycho dropped his things in anger, "Fuck our theme! Being a supervillain is about image! When's the last time you saw Luthor or Penguin scrounging through the sewers? Huh?"

His crewmates glanced at each other as if to say to each other that he was just exaggerating the issue.

"Plus, our _image_ is already in the fucking shitter thanks to Harley."

"What're you talking about?" asked King.

"Hello! She confessed to the world that she is banging Red X. The Legion of Doom won't take us now!"

"Why not?" Clayface asked.

Psycho sighed then began to explain, "Because Red X is high on the Legion's 'most-hated-persons' list! Every villain there hates him for one reason or another. And because we work for Harley who is dating him, we are now associated with Red X."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning that we're now outcasts in the villain community! We're lower than shit now!" yelled the telepath.

Ivy soon came onto the scene as she carried Frank in her arms.

"What's with the screaming?" she asked.

"Yeah. I haven't heard this much yelling since the last threesome this one had with Harley and X," chuckled the mutant flytrap, pointing at the redhead.

"Frank!"

"What? It's true. It was like two goddamn banshees."

She growled at the plant then Dr. Psycho spoke, "Oh, you wanna know? Fine, I'll tell you. Your blonde bestie fuckin' ruined our lives!"

"Huh?" asked Ivy.

King Shark replied, "Oh, Psycho's just ranting about how Harley ruined our chances of getting into the Legion of Doom by dating Red X."

"Yes. And his level of drama is quite over the top," added Clayface.

"Shut the fuck up!" yelled Dr. Psycho.

Ivy set Frank down near one of the flowerbeds she planned on turning into an indoor garden then says, "Psycho, you need to chill."

The telepath glared at her, "'Chill'? You want me to 'chill'? Are you serious? Do you have _any_ idea of the situation we are in now? Our lives are over!"

Clayface chimed in, "See what I mean about the drama level?"

"If we still want to get into the Legion of Doom, we only have one course of action to take."

"And that would be?" asked King Shark.

"We need to get rid of Red X. Harley needs to break up with him . . . or we can get rid of him personally," a deranged smile appeared on Psycho's face as he started thinking, "Yes, yes. It should be simple enough to do. With our combined efforts, we can kill Red X. That'll get us some _serious_ respect among the Legion of Doom. They'll be _begging_ us to join after doing that!"

He started to cackle evilly then Ivy walked over and slapped him across the face.

"Snap out of it, you deranged dickhead," she scowled.

"Ow," Psycho rubbed his cheek.

"I'm gonna tell you again – you touch X and I'll skewer you on a thick vine. Ass first. And it'll be a cold day in Hell when Harley breaks up with him. Got it?"

Psycho was about to respond when Harley and Red X came in, having a talk while carrying some stuff.

"Okay, okay. What about this? Have you ever killed someone by shoving a grenade down their throat? And just let it explode?" the blonde with the pigtails asked her boyfriend.

**"Yeah, a few times. But not with typical grenades. Too big. I had to use my smaller explosive pellets,"** he replied.

While they were having their 'intellectual' discussion, Dr. Psycho narrowed his eyes at Ivy.

"Well let's see what _she_ has to say," he made a dash for his blonde boss.

Ivy immediately gave chase, "Get back here!"

The telepath called to the bleached-skin babe, "Harley!"

He got Harley's attention as her best friend followed up, "Harls, don't listen to anything he says."

Psycho came up to Harley and smiled, "Harley dear, if I may speak freely as your friend-"

Ivy arrived and pushed him aside, "Keep your trap shut, you gnome!"

"You stay out of this, you Eco-Goth wannabe!" the telepath snarled back at her.

The redhead looked offended, "'Wannabe'? Oh I'm definitely going to kill you now!"

Before anything could happen, Harley let out a loud whistle and got the two to stop arguing.

"That's better. Now, Psycho, what were you sayin'?" asked the lady clown.

"Thank you, Harley," her telepathic teammate smiled politely and cleared his throat for a moment, "As I was saying – if I may speak as your friend and most valuable teammate . . . "

The rest of the Harley crew and Ivy rolled their eyes at those words as he kept talking, "I must ask you something important."

His boss shrugged, "Shoot."

"Thank you. Now, you want to get into the Legion of Doom, right?"

"Of course."

"And can I assume you'll do anything to get in?"

Harley arched her brow, "I guess."

"Excellent. So, what you need to do next is . . . " Psycho points at Red X and gives him a manic glare, "Break up with that murderous psychopath!"

The master thief was taken back a bit by those words, **"Wait . . . I'm a psychopath now?"**

"You shut the fuck up!" the telepath yells in response then resumes his polite demeanor for Harley, "So what do you say, Harley?"

A second passed before the lady clown started laughing out loud; her reaction made Ivy smirk and Psycho frown.

Harley manages to calm down a little, "Good one, Psycho. Like that will ever happen."

"But you have to! It's the only way we're getting into the Legion and, more importantly, getting me back in," Psycho continued to plead his case as her laughter died down.

"Oh really?" she asked, humoring him.

"Yes, really! And it's your responsibility to do so. Since it's your fault that our fuckin' chances of getting in are down in the shitter!"

Harley was confused now, "Huh?"

"You and your big mouth went ahead and told all of Gotham City that you're banging Red X and there's no doubt that the Legion of Doom heard your announcement too!"

"Am I supposed to get what you are rantin' about?"

"The Legion of Doom hates Red X! He's on top of their list of people they want dead! And because of you, we're now associated with him!"

Harley rolled her eyes, "Oh, that's not true. You're just being dramatic again."

"And being overly so," Clayface called out.

"I AM NOT!" screamed Dr. Psycho.

As they continued their argument, Red X set the stuff he was carrying down onto the floor and was about to go get some more from the van outside. He barely took two steps when an orb of black smoke appeared in front of him and became Tala.

"Master!" she wrapped her arms around him.

Her voice caught the attention of everyone else and they were surprised to see her in their new home.

"Who the fuck is that?" asked Dr. Psycho.

"Oh, that's just Tala," Ivy answered casually.

"Who?" Frank asked.

The aforementioned sorceress continued to hug Red X as he inquired, **"What are you doing here, Tala?"**

"Master, I found it! I finally found it!" she answered happily.

**"What? Really? You found it?"**

"Yes. At long last, I found it. I cannot tell you how happy I am. I haven't felt like this since we first met . . . though that will always be at the top of my list," she started cuddling into his chest.

He put an arm around her as the others came over.

"Okay. So anyone gonna tell me why some skank in black just suddenly appeared in our new lair?" asked Dr. Psycho.

Tala's demeanor suddenly changed from happy to livid as she held out a hand towards him then a ring of magical energy wrapped around his neck and started strangling him.

She brought him over and glared daggers into his eyes, "Call me that again . . . and I'll pull your organs out through your nose."

Ivy smirked from hearing those words, "I'm starting to like her more and more."

**"I'd listen to her, Psycho. I've seen her do it . . . it was gruesome,"** said Red X, giving the telepath some _very_ helpful advice.

Psycho made some choking sounds before croaking, "Got it."

Tala released the diminutive villain who gasped for air.

King Shark and Clayface joined the group with the former asking "So X, who's your friend?"

"Yes. And why does she call you 'Master'?" asked the shapeshifter.

The thief and assassin looked at them, "**Oh. Guys, meet Tala. She's . . . uh, how do I put this-?"**

"I am his devoted servant," she smiled.

Her response caused the shark-man, the mutant flytrap, and the clay blob to be surprised while the telepath grumbled, "Of course."

**"Tala, I wish you'd stop calling yourself my 'servant'. It sounds sleazy,"** said Red X.

His servant sorceress looks at him, "But I _am _your servant, my dearest Master. And I adore being at your service."

She resumed cuddling into his chest as he asked, **"Anyway, are you sure you found it this time?"**

"This time I'm sure of it," Tala replied.

Harley speaks up, "Hey, so can either of ya tell me what the fuck is going on here? And what is this 'it' you're talkin' about?"

**-(Legion of Doom headquarters)-**

In his medieval-themed office, Felix Faust was grinning like the Cheshire Cat as he looked through a large tome on his worktable; the door to the room slid opened and there stood Lex Luthor.

He entered, "Felix, this better be important."

"Ah, Lex. Please, come in. Come in," the sorcerer magically moved his office chair to his villainous colleague, "Have a seat."

Lex sat down then Felix turned to him, "I have a little question for you - what would you say if I could . . . deliver the destruction of the Justice League and total world domination all at once?"

"I would say . . . I'm listening."

The evil sorcerer's grin got a little wider, "You know how I have been reacquiring my set of magical tomes over the years?"

"I am aware."

"Well so far, I have only found twelve of them," Felix levitated eleven of the aforementioned books from a nearby bookshelf and onto his desk where he was reading the twelfth one, "But now . . . I am happy to announce that I have found the thirteenth and final one."

"And this last book will give us world domination and destroy the Justice League?" asked a skeptical Lex.

"In a way," the sorcerer summoned one of his tomes over and opened it to reveal a pentagram inside a circle with writing around it, "This is a part of a ritual I discovered centuries ago. Each of my books has a piece of the ritual hidden within its pages. On their own, they are useless . . . but together, they create a portal that can summon forth one of the Old Gods. Beings of unimaginable power and terror, the likes of none has ever seen!"

"Go on," said the leader of the Legion.

"Once I get my last tome, I can perform the summoning and command an Old God to kill the Justice League and use its power to conquer the world!" Felix started to laugh manically.

Lex was certainly intrigued by the idea, "Interesting. And you can deliver this?"

The sorcerer grinned, "Oh yes. By this time tomorrow, the Legion of Doom will be the ruling force of this world."

"Very well. Best get to it," Superman's nemesis stood up from his seat, "And just where is this book?"

**-(Back at the mall)-**

"The British Library in London? Seriously?" asked Harley.

She and everyone else were sitting around Tala who was showing them a magical projection of the aforementioned location.

"I know, right? It's kind of a _cliché_," said Ivy.

Red X stood up, **"It doesn't matter what the location is. If it's there, we gotta go get it."**

"You're gonna pull off a Red X heist in a library? That sounds like a step down for you, don't ya think?" asked the lady clown.

**"A heist is a heist, no matter the location."**

"While I'd hate to agree with him, he does make a point. No _real_ thief steals from a library," grumbled Dr. Psycho.

Tala ceased projecting the image and said, "This won't be a heist. We are merely picking it up."

"Hate to be the bearer of bad news, Miss Magician, but the U.K. is five hours ahead of our time zone. It's five p.m. now and that library closes at 6 p.m. every day. You've missed your chance," smirked the telepath.

"Not true, you pint-sized misogynist. I have informed my superiors of the news and they contacted their branch in London who called up the curator of the library and informed them of the situation. They should be there by now and waiting for us to arrive," smiled the sorceress.

Psycho scowled at the insult thrown at him while Ivy snorted and tried to keep herself from laughing.

**"Ah, a rare easy mission. Let's get to it," **said Red X.

Tala hooked her arm around his and smiled, "Exactly what I was thinking, my beloved master."

He looked at the others, **"Why don't you guys come with?"**

"Say what?" Harley asked.

The sorceress frowned as her master responded, **"Yeah. After the library, we can enjoy the nightlife of London. A lot of clubs and bars in that city."**

His lady clown lover liked the sound of that but Dr. Psycho spoke up, "Fuck that! The last thing we need is to be seen with you."

"Psycho, shut it," she hissed at him.

The telepath of the crew grumbled while his blonde boss smiled at her shared boyfriend, "We'd love to come."

Tala's frown grew bigger upon hearing the acceptance of her master's invitation as King Shark and Clayface cheered.

The shark-man grinned, "I've always wanted to try authentic steak-and-kidney pie. And ask where they get the kidneys from."

"Maybe there'll be a late-night theater. I'd love to see a truly masterful performance based on the works of William Shakespeare," grinned his shapeshifter crewmate.

Ivy spoke up, "Uh Harls, the last time I checked, we were still in the process of moving our stuff into our new home. Shouldn't we stay focused on that?"

Harley goes over to her, "I know, Ive, but we could use a break. Come back refreshed and full of alcohol."

She leans in and whispers into her best friend's ear, "And maybe get some hot club sex with our guy."

The eco-terrorist could not help being a bit intrigued by that idea.

Psycho started to walk away, "Well since I'm being ignored here, I'll stay here and unpack the rest of our shit-"

The back of his collar was grabbed by his blonde boss, "Oh knock it off, Psycho. It won't kill ya to tag along."

The telepath briefly growled then said, "Fine. But I'm finding the nearest pub and gettin' wasted after we leave the library."

"Deal."

"Frank, you stay and hold down the fort," Ivy said to the mutant plant.

"What the fuck? Why do I have to stay?" Frank asked angrily.

"Because someone needs to. And I'm not carrying you throughout London," the redhead retorted.

He growled, "Fine. But you better bring me back some of those muthafuckin' fish and chips they got there!"

"Ugh. Fine," said Ivy.

**"Okay, that's settled,"** Red X turned to Tala, **"Tala, let's go."**

The sorceress, still annoyed at the idea of not being alone with her beloved master, took a breath and said, "As you wish, Master."

Her eyes glowed purple before a plume of smoke engulfed the party of seven and disappeared into thin air along with them.

**-(British Library, London)-**

Tala's smoke cloud appeared at the entrance and vanished to reveal the group.

Harley checked out their new surroundings, "Wow, instant international travel."

**"Yep. Just one of Tala's many talents,"** said Red X.

Tala blushed and smiled, "You flatter me, Master."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, can we just go in already and get this over with? I got a mug of beer with my name on it somewhere," Psycho pointed towards the door.

"**Okay, okay. Let's go."**

The mater thief and assassin led the way inside where they saw some lights on and at the front desk sat an older yet sleepy-looking man in a tweed coat; the group walked up to him.

Tala put on a polite smile, "Excuse me, we are here to pick up something."

The old gentleman let out a yawn then grumbled, "Oh. So you're the blokes you told me to wake up and come down here?"

**"I'm guessing you're the curator,"** said Red X.

"I am. And I was happily sleeping until I was woken up by a phone call telling me to re-open the library. Said something about it being a matter of international importance," said the curator.

"That might be a bit of an exaggeration," responded Tala.

"And just what is it you're looking for?"

**"We'll know once we see it,"** said X.

"May we go in now?" the sorceress requested.

The old man yawned as his eyes started drooping before he pointed to his left.

"Thank you very much," Tala led the group into the library by the time the curator started to softly snore.

Upon entering the huge room, the villains were taken back by the numerous shelves all filled to the brim with books and such.

"Holy cow, look at all these books," exclaimed King Shark as he looked around.

"Even I gotta admit that I've never seen this many books before. And I spent most of my college days in the library," said Ivy.

Harley spoke next, "Tell me about it. I'm getting' some serous flashbacks."

**"Hate to break up your trip down memory lane but we better start looking,"** said Red X.

"Are you fuckin' kidding? Look at the size of this place! It'll take us forever to search everywhere," said Dr. Psycho.

**"I don't think so,"** the thief and assassin turned to Tala, **"Do it."**

She smirked, closed her eyes, and held up her hand.

A second passed before the sorceress spoke, "Follow me."

She led the group further into the room and through the stacks of shelves while slowly waving her hand back and forth in the air; their journey eventually came to an end in a far corner in the back.

"It's here," said Tala then they looked at the surroundings shelves.

Red X soon noticed something within a lower shelf and pointed at it, **"There."**

The others looked and what they found was a tome about nine inches thick and colored a faded maroon with a gold trimming; it was also underneath a stack of heavy-looking books

Tala's eyes lit up upon seeing it and smiled, "Yes, that's it."

Her master was about to kneel down to get it but she said, "No need, Master. I got it."

The sorceress waved her hand in a circle and caused the other books to levitate off of the tome then fly into the arms of Harley and her three crewmates; Dr. Psycho fell over from the sudden extra weight.

"Hey!" Harley glared at Tala but she was ignored as the beautiful magic-user levitated the tome into her own arms.

It was now shown that the front cover had the stylized image of a demon skull though she was unfazed by it and smiled, "Hello, my old friend."

King Shark set down his stack and looked at the large book, "Oooh, an evil-looking skull on the cover. I'm guessing this a book full of dark magic that can bring great destruction, right?"

"No, dear shark-man. The design is just a creative choice on the creator's part. He was quite . . . 'eccentric'," smiled Tala.

"Sounds like you knew him," said Ivy.

"You could say that."

Clayface set his load of books down, "Oh, the hinting of a mysterious past. The classic foreshadowing of a backstory yet to be revealed."

"Jesus Christ, Clayface, this is real life. Not a movie or a play," said Harley, setting her cargo down.

The shapeshifter chuckled, "Oh Harley, the entire world is a stage. One filled with countless characters, plotlines, and twists around every corner."

Tala looked at Red X as if to ask him what Clayface was talking about but her master just shrugged.

Dr. Psycho finally emerged from the pile of books that covered him, "Okay, okay, we found the damn thing. Now can we get out of here?"

Before anyone could move, the surrounding bookshelves suddenly lifted up and moved off to the side; it turned out to be the work of Felix Faust and his magic.

"Haha, at last. At long last, I shall finally have-" he soon notices the lady magic-user, "T-Tala? Tala, is that you?"

She glared at him with great disdain, "Felix Faust."

The evil sorcerer smirked and looked her up and down, "Huh, I haven't seen you in centuries. The years have certainly been kind to you, very kind."

Tala could feel him checking her out and hated it and was ready to unleash a blast of magical energy at his head.

His eyes soon landed on the tome in her arms, "And I see you're after my book as well."

His words angered her but before she could do anything, Red X stepped forward, **"Finders keepers, Faust. You're not getting the book."**

Felix finally noticed him, "Red X? Here? Why?"

Tala immediately hugged her master's left arm, "He's my master."

The sorcerer was in disbelief, "What?! Him?!"

"Oh yes. And he's more of a man then you could ever be," the lady magic-user smirked and nuzzled X's arm.

"I can confirm that," Harley said aloud.

Ivy spoke next, "Same."

Faust noticed the villainesses, "You two are here as well?"

He looked at Harley's crew, "_And_ Quinn's ragtag team of second-rate rejects?"

King Shark frowned and crossed his arms, "That's rude."

"Indeed," agreed Clayface.

"Oh, go bitch to someone who cares," Felix noticed Dr. Psycho, "I'm surprised to see you here, Psycho. And with Red X of all people."

"I am NOT affiliated with that fucking man-whore!" yelled the telepath.

**"Again with the 'man-whore',"** muttered Red X.

"Enough!" Felix pointed at the tome, "Give me my tome or else!"

"Or else what, Felix?" Tala sneered at him.

The red jewel on the sorcerer's headband glowed as he conjured a portal appeared behind him and a dozen of his minions came marching out.

"Get me my book," he ordered.

His men charged forth but Tala snapped her fingers and caused a bunch of books to fly off the shelves, smash into Faust's goons, and slam them into the nearby walls.

**"I love it when you do that,"** Red X praised the sorceress who smiled from the compliment.

Felix let out a sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose upon seeing his now-unconscious henchmen, "I knew I should've brought A-Squad but no, I had to give D-Squad a chance."

He directed his attention back to Tala, "Fuck this."

Next, the sorcerer held out his hand to the tome and used his magic to pull it out of her arms. It was halfway there when the lady in black did the same thing, stopping the book in its tracks and beginning a midair tug-of-war with Faust.

"Let go, you wicked bitch!" growled the evil mage.

"Go to Hell, Felix," Tala replied.

Red X pulled out one of his X-shurikens and threw it at Felix; it flew past his face and sliced his cheek in the process before returning to its master. The sudden attack worked in making the mage lose his magical grip on the book thus allowing Tala to take it back.

**"Watch who you call a bitch in front of me,"** said the master thief.

"Oh Master," his sorceress said lovingly and snuggled into his chest.

"Okay, Tala, stop that. It's getting annoying," said Ivy.

Felix checked his bleeding cheek then sneered at Red X and Tala, "I'm going to kill you two now."

He thrust his hands out and bolts of lightning shot forth from his palms but the lady in black quickly conjured an energy shield that deflected the electricity.

Faust stopped his attack, "Still quick-thinking as ever."

"That means so little coming from you," purple energy soon cloaked Tala's right hand then she raised it into the air, "_Ridică-te, slujitorii mei ai umbrelor_."

From the surrounding shadows, a dozen creatures of various forms and made of a thick black fog came forth; they roared, snarled, screeched, and growled upon coming into existence.

"Holy shit," Harley staggered back a little from seeing the beasts.

Ivy followed up, "Well, this is a thing."

Harley's crewmates were certainly spooked by the creatures with King Shark and Clayface staying close to each other as Dr. Psycho cowered behind them.

The evil sorcerer, however, looked unimpressed at the frightening monsters, "Shades? Really? That's so last century."

"They are more than enough to handle you," Tala snapped her fingers.

Her shades charged right for Felix but with one simple wave of his hands, her shadowy minions were vaporized into a plume of black smoke.

He smirked, "You'll have to do better than that."

Three small metal balls suddenly flew through the dark cloud, collided with his body, and exploded into a large glob of blue goo that cocooned him from the chest down.

He fell onto the floor and struggled against his unique restraints, "What magic is it?"

The group walked over to him and Red X answered his question, **"Just a spell called 'Sticking-To-Your-Ass'."**

"Bye, Felix," Tala mockingly smirked then the seven of them started to leave.

They were almost out of the room when Felix called out to Harley, "Quinn! Quinn, wait!"

She stopped and looked back at him.

"Help me get my book and I could put in a good word for you and your gang at the Legion of Doom. I am a rather influential member after all," offered the wizard.

Dr. Psycho responded with a grin, "Oh, really? That would certainly help us out."

"Psycho, shut it," his blonde boss said to him before turning to the evil sorcerer, "Thanks but no thanks. We can handle gettin' in ourselves."

Both Psycho and Faust grumbled before Red X threw another goop pellet at the latter's mouth to cover it up.

**"No more out of you,"** said the thief and assassin then the group finally left.

They walked by the reception desk where the curator was asleep with his head on the counter.

"Huh, heavy sleeper," commented Ivy as she and the other villains made for the front entrance.

Red X and Tala, however, went over to the old man then the former knocked on a spot beside his head, **"Hey, Pops."**

The curator stirred and groaned, "Huh?"

"Our business is done. You can go home now," the sorceress said politely.

All he did was mumble a little and go back to sleep; X just shrugged at the lady in black then they went to join the others.

* * *

Back in the library, Felix Faust was using a fire spell to heat up the goop holding him so it would melt off of him.

* * *

Red X and Tala exited the front door and joined the others outside.

"So who's up for some clubbing?" Harley started dancing a little.

**"Unfortunately no. Same goes for any other fun things you guys had planned,"** answered her boyfriend.

The villains were shocked by his words as the lady clown stopped shaking her groove thing, "What? Why?"

"Felix's appearance has complicated things. We stay here and he could find the tome again. As well as anywhere else in the world," explained Tala.

**"And my goop won't hold him for long,"** said X.

"Then where the fuck are we supposed to go?" growled Psycho.

**"I got this,"** the master thief took off his left gauntlet to reveal his hand as the covering over his mouth opened then he put his index finger and thumb to his mouth and whistled twice.

A pair of wooden double doors appeared in the air before them and opened up.

With his gauntlet back on and his mouth covered up again, Red X motioned to the doors, **"Go on in."**

Tala did what he asked though the villains were stunned at what just happened.

**"Come on, guys. Let's move it,"** the master thief said to them.

His words knocked them from their state and they went through the opening with him following close behind. The doors shut behind them and disappeared into thin air by the time Felix Faust came storming out of the building.

He was baring his teeth like a mad dog, "Enough of this! Surrender my tome to me or-"

He noticed that there was no one around before letting out a loud yell of frustration.

**-(Unknown location)-**

The entire group was now in a dark room.

"Where are we?" asked Clayface.

"It's dark in here, dumbass. How would any of us know?" Dr. Psycho replied.

Tala rolled her eyes and snapped her fingers, causing a fireplace and the candles of a hanging chandelier to be set ablaze. The light revealed their new surroundings to be a living area similar to one in a cabin or mansion complete with a couple of armchairs and sofas, a large coffee table, and a staircase at the far end. It was also worth noting that the hardwood walls of the room were lined with numerous bookshelves containing books and various objects.

The villains were taken in by the place as Poison Ivy spoke, "Whoa. No offense babe but this place is nicer than yours."

"It's nicer than ours . . . of course, every place is nicer than ours," grumbled Dr. Psycho.

"Yes, with very exquisite woodwork," Clayface admired the mantle over the fireplace.

Harley wandered over to a shelf holding a stone slab with a strange symbol on its face.

"Neat lookin' stuff," she reached out to touch it.

Her fingertips were inches away when a stern female voice said, "I would advise you not to touch that."

The vocalization belonged to a nude woman with purple skin, sporting a short Mohawk, and a pair of wings in the shape of flower petals; despite being naked, she did not have any 'exposing' features.

Harley yelp in fright and fell backwards upon seeing her, "Who the fuck?"

The other villains too were surprised at this mystery woman.

**"Oh Orchid, there you are,"** Red X greeted the newcomer, as she did not bother him and Tala.

Orchid smiled as she walked over to them, "Hello, sir. It is good to see you and Tala again."

"Hello Orchid," smiled the sorceress.

Harley got back onto her feet as Ivy asked, "So who's this? Another side lover or something, X?"

Red X replied, **"It's not exactly what you think. This is Orchid, she's literally the spirit of this place."**

"And what exactly _is_ this place?" asked King Shark.

**"The House of Mystery."**

"Hold on, _this_ is the House of Mystery?" Dr. Psycho looked around at the place, "Huh, I was expecting something different."

"You know what this place is, Psycho?" asked Harley.

He answered, "Kind of. Felix Faust and the other magic users in the Legion used to yammer on about this place. Said to be an interdimensional treasure trove of magical objects and shit."

"Correct. The House of Mystery holds many powerful and dangerous mystical artifacts that have been collected throughout the centuries," Orchid looked at Harley, "The rune you were about to touch would have granted you great and dark powers."

The lady clown smirks back at the rune, "Really?"

"Yes. But at the cost of your life. The power would have grown too powerful to control and would have torn you apart. Painfully," finished the purple woman.

Harley was not smirking anymore, "Oh . . . "

"Back the fuck up, I heard this place was supposed to be guarded by that asshole John Constantine," asked Psycho.

"John Constantine was indeed a powerful protector of the House but his services came to an end long ago," Orchid answered.

"What happened to him? Did he die?" asked King Shark.

She responded, "He bet the House in a card game and lost."

The villains of the group were dumbfounded at the reveal then Clayface said, "I guess what they say is true, 'never bet the house'."

"Especially if it holds magical artifacts," added Tala.

Ivy smirked at Red X, "And I'm guessing that card game included you."

**"Yep. I won so I got the House and Orchid,"** he answered.

"That's one way to win a woman," smirked Harley.

**"Like I said, it's not like that. Orchid here is the literal spirit of the House. She's the mind and soul of this place and she guards the artifacts,"** he replied.

His lady clown lover snorted as Ivy mumbled, "Yeah, right."

Red X let out a low growl then said, **"Anyway, I'm now the guardian of the House and I can use all the cool stuff it holds."**

"Ah, jealous," Harley whined a little.

Orchid noticed the tome in Tala's arms, "And it appears we will have a new addition to the collection. I see you were finally successful in finding the tome of Felix Faust, Tala."

"Indeed, Orchid. But Felix found it too. He appeared after we did. It's why we had to come here," said Tala.

"The defenses of the House will certainly keep Felix from finding it again."

"Wonderful. But now it is time to get to work. Could you get the lab ready, please?" asked Tala.

"Of course," the house spirit looked at the others, "And what of your companions? What do you wish to do with them?"

**"They can stay. They won't cause any trouble," **Red X looked at the villains, **"Right?"**

Harley put on an innocent smile, "Of course not. You can trust us."

Orchid gave her a hard look then said, "Your soul is a torrent of madness and anger towards the one who scorned you . . . yet there is a spark of light. Brought on by your love for Red X."

The lady clown was speechless as the purple woman turned her gaze towards Ivy, "You too have anger but it is towards humanity for harming the planet. You feel connected to Nature and find comfort in the peace of plants. But you too have great love for Red X."

Ivy just looked away as Orchid looked at King Shark, "Despite your beastly exterior and bloodlust, you have a good soul. You admire the technological wonders of the modern age . . . but have issues stemming from your personal life."

"Despite the invasion of privacy, I thank you for not blurting out my issues out for the world to hear," smiled the shark-man.

The house spirit moved onto Clayface, "Your soul is good as well and you take great pride in your artistic skills. Your body may be clay but you have the heart of a human."

A chuckle came from the shapeshifter, "And you have excellent linguistics skills, my dear. I could feel the beauty in your tone. Have you ever thought of chasing a career in the theater?"

Now it was Dr. Psycho's turn to have his soul peeked at, "The light in your soul has been clouded by a sinister tempest of rage and you feel very little love for the people around you. And you despise women with a passion."

"Huh, she _is_ good. Not even gonna deny any of that," the telepath smirked but soon found himself levitating into the air, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the fuck?! Get me down!"

Orchid waved a hand at the double doors and they opened to reveal the living area of the Harley crew's mall.

She glared at Psycho, "You are not welcomed here."

The diminutive villain was sent flying through the opening; he crashed into the couch, which toppled over upon impact.

Harley winced and hissed in pain from seeing that before turning to King Shark and Clayface, "Maybe you guys better make sure he's alive."

"Uh, yeah. Maybe we should," King Shark turned to the others, "See you guys later. And a pleasure meeting you, Orchid."

"Indeed. Quite the pleasure," smiled Clayface.

She smiled, "It was nice meeting you as well."

The pair exited the House of Mystery and the doors closed behind them.

**"Well, I guess I can take this off now,"** Red X took off his helmet and revealed the face of Naruto Uzumaki, "That's better."

Orchid smiled at him, "I have always believed your appearance is more pleasant without your helmet on."

"Thank you, Orchid," smiled Naruto as he ruffled his hair a bit.

Tala cleared her throat, "Orchid, prepare the lab, please."

"At once, Tala," the house spirit nodded then disappeared into thin air.

"We'll take the stairs," said the hero from another dimension.

* * *

Naruto and the ladies entered the laboratory and it looked like something from a movie or video game about magic. There were two large worktables with chemistry sets and fully stocked shelves and cabinets along the walls; there was even a cauldron near the back.

"Wow, looks like a fantasy nerd's dream come true in here," said Harley.

"Then it's a good thing they cannot get in without my permission," chuckled Naruto.

He took two steps when something suddenly dropped from above and embedded itself into the floor in front of him; it scared Harley and Ivy. The unknown object was a silver claymore sword with a guard in the shape of a horned skull with bat wings and the grip and pommel being a spaded tail.

Ivy got over her shock first, "What the fuc-"

"The Sword of Astaroth," answered Orchid whose sudden appearance made the villainesses scream out in fright, "One of the many deadly weapons stored in the House of Mystery. Naruto wielded it once and it has developed an . . . affinity for him."

"You make it sound like it's alive," said Harley.

"It is. In a way," the house spirit went over to Naruto and said to him, "It missed you. It awaits the day when you wield it once more."

The eyes of the sword's skull began to glow a faint red and a low growl emanated from the weapon.

Naruto smiled a little and spoke to the sword, "Sorry. Not today."

The glowing and growling stopped before Orchid waved her hand a little and the Sword of Astaroth disappeared.

Tala walks over to one of the worktables, sets the tome down, and starts looking through it, "At long last, I can begin."

The others joined her as Harley asked, "Begin what?"

"Yeah, why exactly do you need this book for anyway?" asked Ivy.

Naruto set his Red X helmet on the table, "Tala's been looking for this particular tome because she says it holds a formula for something special. What it is, I have no idea. She won't tell me."

"That is because it is also a secret, Master. One you will like," explained Tala.

"If that's the case, it's gotta be an infinite amount of ramen," said Naruto.

"I can tell you right now that it isn't," the sorceress remarked as she looked through the tome some more.

The hero from another dimension softly growled in disappointment.

Ivy spoke up, "Okay, you know what? I gotta ask something that's been on my mind since we left for the library."

"What is it?" asked Tala.

The redhead pointed to the large book, "How did you find this thing? And more to the point, how did Felix know where to find it? Before, it sounded like only you knew where it was."

Harley arched her brow, "Yeah. How could he have known it was at the library too?"

The sorceress simply replied, "No doubt Felix sensed the tome's awakening. It is how I was able to find it."

Her answer confused the villainesses as the lady clown said, "M'kay, I'm lost here."

Orchid went on to explain, "Magical objects like spellbooks and such will go into a hibernation when away from their owners for an extended period of time. They sometimes awaken for an hour and send out waves of magical energy that can be felt by any nearby magic users though their original owners will always feel them. Even if the owner is in another part of the world."

The ladies from Gotham City were still confused.

"Meaning that since Felix and Tala used this book a lot, they were able to pinpoint the exact location of the book and track it down," said Naruto.

"Oh," Harley and Ivy said in unison.

"Location spells can work during the hibernation period though they are ineffective most of the time," added the house spirit.

"Tell me about it," mumbled Tala.

Her words got a chuckle from Naruto.

Something soon clicked within the redhead's mind, "You know, Tala, you seemed pretty familiar with Felix Faust."

"Yeah. And he did keep saying that it was _his_ book. How do you know him? You two exes or something?" asked Harley.

"He wishes," answered the sorceress.

"Then what's the deal?" asked Ivy.

Naruto placed a hand on Tala's shoulder, "Couldn't hurt to tell 'em."

"I agree," said Orchid, mirroring his actions.

The sorceress thought it over for a second then said, "Okay."

She took a quick breath, "Felix Faust was my teacher . . . five thousand years ago."

This revelation shocked the villainesses with the lady clown exclaiming, "Five thousand years? Holy shit. I mean Joker told me that Faust was some kind of immortal wizard or whatever but I didn't think he was _that_ old."

"Does that mean you're immortal too?" Ivy asked Tala.

"No. I'm only twenty-six," the sorceress replied.

Both of the ladies from Gotham City were taken back by that answer.

The eco-terrorist asked, "Then how? . . ."

"Let me start at the beginning. Thousands of years ago, I discovered I had a gift for magic. Of course, I wanted to learn more so I sought out the only person I knew who could teach me – Felix Faust. Through him, I learned so much and grew quite powerful. Felix noticed too and one day, he approached me and proposed the idea of the two of us becoming lovers. I turned him down and, naturally, he didn't like that. But instead of throwing a fit like a big baby or taking it like a man, he transformed me into a spirit and imprisoned me inside of a mirror."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! He turned you into a ghost? Like he killed you?" asked Harley.

"No, no. He simply changed my physical body into a spiritual one. It's actually quite a simple spell. No killing involved," answered Tala.

"Oh. Please continue."

The sorceress did so, "Anyway, he said he would free him if I agreed to be his woman. So every day since then, Felix would approach me and ask if I changed my mind. Of course, I said 'no'. Then he would just smirk and say that it was only a matter of time."

"Wow, what a dick move," Ivy frowned and crossed her arms.

"He also told me that I had no choice due to an enchantment he put on the mirror that made people of this world unable to see and hear me in the mirror except for him."

"And the dick move gets bigger. What a surprise."

Tala continued, "Anyway, Felix kept pestering me . . . until one day, he just stopped. At first, I thought it was just some trick to get me to agree to his proposal so I waited it out. But after a few days, I grew concerned then next thing I knew, strange people came and took the mirror away. And me with it. I tried asking them what was going on and for help to free me . . . then I remembered the enchantment upon the mirror . . . "

"Shit," said Harley.

"Since then, I have been moved from place to place. Watching the world change and learning the new ways that came into existence. During that time, I could not resist calling for help to anyone I saw despite my circumstances. My fate was sealed . . . until one day . . . "

**-(Flashback: Two years ago)-**

The doors to a large storage room burst open and two men in fancy black suits fell onto the floor; they were beaten, bloodied, and unconscious. Another person strolled in and it was none other than Red X who took a quick look at the priceless antiques inside and activated the communications link in his helmet.

**"This is X. I found their stolen loot and it's a lot. We've got enough to either put their boss away for good or for me to hunt 'em down,"** he said.

A male voice answered, _"Roger that, X. We're on our way to your location."_

**"Take your time. It's just me here,"** X cut the connection.

"Help me!" a woman's voice cried out.

Red X immediately became alert and looked into the room, trying to find the person who spoke.

**"Hello? Someone there?"** he responded.

"You heard me? Please, help me!"

The master thief quickly got back on the com-link, **"Guys, forget what I said. I think these art smugglers have a hostage. Get to the storage room. Fast."**

He shut off the link, went into the room and began searching for the suspected hostage.

**"Hello? Are you still here?"** he called out.

"Yes! I'm here! Help me!" replied the unseen woman.

**"Where are you?"**

"Over here!"

Red X followed the voice as he weaved through the stacks of stolen antiques but he could not see anyone else.

**"Where?"**

"Here! Over here!"

He was still in hot pursuit of this unseen person calling for help though he had to stop upon coming to the back of the room; he still saw no one there.

**"Where are you?"**

"Here! I'm here!"

The thief and assassin jumped a little from hearing the woman's voice right next to him yet the only thing he saw there was a large silver mirror.

**"Hello?"** he asked aloud then the image of Tala appeared in the reflective surface and caused him to step back in shock, **"What the hell?"**

She banged on the glass, "Please! Help me!"

Red X got closer again and placed a hand on the mirror, **"What is this?"**

"Please, help me. I've been trapped in here for so long. Please get me out," the sorceress desperately begged.

Without even questioning her, he asked, **"How did you get in there?"**

"I was trapped in here by a wizard thousands of years ago. Please, will you help free me?" she asked again.

The hero from another dimension may have just met her but he can hear the sincerity and distress in her voice and see the desperation in her eyes; nevertheless, he decided to consult his inner partner.

'What do you think, Kurama? Should we?' he asked mentally.

_**'I can feel a powerful aura coming from her but I sense no malice or evil. I can also sense that she has been through much. A feeling you and I both know too well,'**_ replied Kurama.

'So that's a 'yes'?'

_**'Yes.'**_

'Okay. Any ideas on how to do it?'

_**'Remember what you learned? Magic is like ninjutsu and a spell or seal can be disrupted by a sudden input of energy. A strong surge of chakra should break the spell that is holding her prisoner.'**_

'Right.'

The masked hero channeled some chakra into his eyes and soon, he could see a string of magical energy circling the face of the mirror.

'Okay. Let's do this.'

He looked at Tala, **"Hang on, I'm getting you out of there."**

The sorceress looked hopeful as he placed a hand on the outer rim of the mirror where the invisible magical string was located and began channeling his chakra into it. It was already having an effect with the energy manifesting as sparks along the reflective surface and as he continued, they became more frequent and wild.

'One last big push,' he thought.

The masked Naruto pushed more of his chakra into the energy string and it was not long before it broke and the sparks disappeared. Tala's ghostly body floated out of the mirror and became solid once she was fully out; she fell into the arms of her savior.

He looked down at her, **"You okay?"**

The sorceress separated from him and looked at her hand before smiling in joy as she felt her flesh for the first time in so long.

She gave him a look of pure gratitude, "Oh, thank you. Thank you so much."

He gave her a nod in return, **"You're welcome."**

"Who are you?"

**"They call me Red X. But when I'm not wearing this helmet . . . "** her hero took off his helmet and revealed his true face, "I'm Naruto Uzumaki."

Tala was taken by how handsome he was and could feel her cheeks warm up but she managed to calm herself down quite quickly.

"Naruto Uzumaki, my name is Tala. And I shall forever be grateful to you for freeing me," she knelt down before him, "And it is out of that same gratitude that I now pledge my undying loyalty to you. You are now my master and I your servant."

The sorceress took his hand and gave it a kiss though Naruto was trying to comprehend her sudden declaration of loyalty in his mind.

_**'Nice work, Naruto. Your good deed gained you a sexy servant. This has to be the best mission you ever went on,'**_ Kurama laughed.

A male voice suddenly called into the room, "X, we're here. Have you found the hostage?"

The blond called back, "Um . . . yeah."

**-(End of flashback)-**

Harley laughed, "'Um yeah'? That's what you said?"

Ivy too was laughing, "Real smooth, hotshot."

"Hey, give me a break. It's not like a beautiful woman pledges to become my servant every day of the week," Naruto blushed in embarrassment.

Tala leaned into her master and nuzzled his chest; her actions made the villainesses stop laughing and start frowning in jealousy.

"Ever since that day, I have been filled with much joy . . . as well as with other things," the sorceress blushed at that last part.

Orchid spoke next, "I know how you feel. I felt a similar feeling the moment I pledged my services to Naruto. It was almost as if it was the most natural thing to do."

The ladies from Gotham City smirked at Naruto and he gave them a slight glare in return, "Don't make it weird."

They snorted then Harley asked Tala, "And what about the book?"

The sorceress answered, "It's a volume from a collection of journals Felix created. Listing the many spells, rituals, and such he discovered or created throughout his life. I used it every day while under his tutelage."

"Well, at least that explains why you were able to find it once it 'woke up'," said Ivy.

"That's right. But more importantly, I sought it out because it has what I need for my little project."

"The one you still won't tell me about?" questioned Naruto.

Tala winked at him, "That's right. You'll just have to be patient, my darling master. I promise it'll be worth the wait."

"Fine," he sighed in defeat, "But I still say an infinite amount of ramen would be awesome."

His retort just made every lady in the room smile or laugh.

**-(The next morning at the Legion of Doom headquarters)-**

Felix Faust walked into the break room and poured a mug of hot coffee for himself then added some cream and sugar.

He was about to take a drink when he heard Lex Luthor behind him, "Felix, there you are."

The sorcerer turned around and saw it was indeed Superman's arch-nemesis and with him was the Joker.

"I was looking for you. I was hoping to get a report on that project you mention- Huh, there's something different about you this morning. Did you do something to yourself?" asked the bald businessman.

"Yeah, you look like shit," chuckled Joker.

As vulgar as that statement was, the Clown Prince of Crime was right as Felix had a disheveled appearance with his hair a mess, his clothes askew, and bags under his eyes.

"Ha ha ha, very funny, you foolish jester. It was so funny that I forgot to laugh at your lowbrow attempt at humor," grumbled the sorcerer.

Joker reached into his jacket, pulled out his Joker Gun, and pointed it at him, "Keep talking, you magical dipshit."

"I'm immortal, you idiot. That won't do anything permanent," Faust took a sip of his coffee.

The clown was about to shoot when Lex forced his weapon down and glared at him, "Enough, Joker. We don't have time for this."

Joker just grumbled and put his gun back into his jacket.

The nemesis of Superman turned back to the evil wizard, "Anyway, did you get the book?"

Felix inhaled then answered, "There was a complication."

"What kind of complication?" asked Lex.

"My former student Tala was there. She took my tome and vanished into thin air. I was up most of the night trying to find her and my book. Hence my . . . less-than-professional appearance," the sorcerer took another sip of coffee, "But I couldn't find her or my book anywhere."

"So you failed? Hahaha, priceless," laughed Joker.

"Yes, hilarious," scowled Felix, "And to make matters worse, Tala now serves a master. And he was there with her."

"Who was with her?" asked Lex.

The sorcerer drank some more of his coffee before answering, "Red X."

Once that name was uttered, nearby supervillains started to freak out and got ready for a fight. Captain Cold prepped his cold gun, Sinestro materialized a huge fist from his ring, Bane pumped some venom into his body, and Livewire coated her hands in electricity as they all searched for the aforementioned assassin.

"Calm down, everyone. Calm down. It was just the name. He is not here, go about your business as usual," Luthor called out.

The other villains did just that and left the immediate area.

The Legion's leader turned back to Felix, "Felix, we don't utter You-Know-Who's name here. Remember?"

"Sorry, sorry. Like I said, I didn't get much sleep last night. Honestly, this coffee is the only thing keeping me on my feet," the sorcerer took another swig of his drink then pointed at the Joker, "Your ex and her team of mismatched minions were there too."

"Harley? Huh, that's odd. Why would she steal a book?" asked the clown.

"It seemed like she was there to help Tala and . . . You-Know-Who. They must be working together now," replied Felix.

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" mumbled the psychopathic jester.

"Anyway, I'm going to assume this small hiccup means we won't be summoning an ancient god to conquer the world. Am I right?" asked Lex.

"Worry not, Lex. I will get my tome back. I am far from giving up. I just need to think of a plan," replied the sorcerer.

Before anything else could be said, Joker spoke up, "Believe it or not, I might have an idea that could work."

"You? Are offering to help me? Why?" Felix asked.

"Let's just say . . . I have my reasons," a sinister grin spread across the clown's face.

**-(Naruto's apartment)-**

Naruto was sitting on the couch, having a cup of instant ramen and watching an action movie while Tala was snuggling up against him. A car chase scene was about to start but it was interrupted by a sudden newsflash; it was being hosted by Tawny Young who was looking quite scared.

She put on a nervous smile, _"Hello, Gotham City. Tawny here, reporting to you Live from . . . the rooftop of the Gotham Broadcasting Company."_

The camera zoomed out to show the area being, indeed, the rooftop of the aforementioned building and it also revealed that Tawny was hovering in mid-air over the edge.

She continued to speak, _"And with me is evil sorcerer supervillain Felix Faust with a very important message."_

Felix Faust stepped into view, _"Indeed I do."_

He levitated her microphone from her hands and to his mouth before facing the camera, _"Red X, you have something that belongs to me and I want it back. You will bring it to me to this precise location . . . or else these people will suffer the consequences."_

Felix stepped aside to reveal a circle of people tied together by ropes and gagged to keep them quiet.

The sorcerer steps back into view of the camera, _"Bring me what I want within two hours. And come alone, just you. Two hours, Red X, two hours."_

Faust laughs evilly into the microphone before the newsfeed cuts out; Naruto slurps down the rest of his noodles and stands up.

Tala grabbed his arm before he could do anything else, "You know it's a trap, right? There's no guarantee he'll release those people once he has the tome."

"I know," he said.

"But you're still going to go?" she asked.

"What else can I do? He's calling Red X out."

The sorceress replied, "If you're going to go be the hero, you'll need a plan."

"What did you have in mind?" he asked.

**-(Rooftop of Gotham Broadcasting Company)-**

Felix Faust tapped his foot impatiently as he checked his watch to see if the two hours he gave to Red X were up yet.

"One hour to go," he turned to Tawny and her camera operator Harv who were now tied up with the initial hostages, "Maybe he'll get here faster with some incentive. Perhaps a couple of splattered bodies on the street below."

The reporter and cameraman grew nervous and attempted to back away when Red X materialized onto the rooftop with the tome on his arms.

**"Yo, reject street magician! Back away from the hostages,"** said the master thief.

"'Street magician'? Now that's just insulting," growled Felix.

Tawny sighed in relief upon seeing their savior, "Oh thank you, sweet Jesus."

The wizard set his eyes on the book, "At least you brought me what I wanted. Give it to me."

**"Release the hostages,"** replied Red X.

"Give me my tome," demanded Faust.

**"Sure. Just release the hostages first."**

"Give me my tome first then I'll release the hostages!"

**"Release the hostages first then I'll give you the book."**

"You first!"

**"Nah, you first."**

Their back-and-forth finally made Felix growl loudly in frustration, "I don't have time for these childish games!"

He used his magic to lift up Tawny and dangle her over the edge of the building then he glared at the holder of the tome, "Give me my tome or Ms. Young ends up the newest splatter art on Gotham's sidewalks."

His captive let out a small scream of fright.

**"You do that . . . "** Red X pulls out a cigarette lighter from his belt, flicks it until he gets a flame, and holds it close to the tome, **"And your book goes up in smoke."**

Faust growls again, "Alright, alright, alright! Here's the deal – I shall let Ms. Young and her cameraman go free, you give me my tome, then I shall release the rest of the hostages. Sound fair?"

**"Okay. But you only get the book once those two are safely out of the area."**

"Deal," the wizard placed Tawny back on the rooftop then freed her and Harv from their bonds, "Get going."

"Don't need to tell us twice," she said.

The reporter and the cameraman quickly left the area via rooftop entrance.

Felix glared at Red X, "The tome. Now."

The thief and assassin shut off and pocketed his lighter before holding the book out to the wizard who used his magic to levitate it into his awaiting arms.

**"Your turn."**

"Of course. But first," Faust held out his hand towards X then a wave of magic shot forth and flowed over him.

**"What the . . .?"** the master thief suddenly felt drowsy and his eyelids started drooping.

Surprisingly, the same thing was happening to Kurama; the both of them soon fell asleep and the masked Naruto collapsed onto the ground.

Felix smirked, "Nice try."

He waved his hand over the tome and it turned into a normal encyclopedia.

"Looks like Tala has become a bit rusty with her illusions," the wizard tossed the book aside.

The bound hostages vanished and in their place were the minions Felix had with him in the library last night.

He gave them an evil smile, "And it looks like you were useful after all, D-Squad."

One of his henchmen replied in a nasally voice, "Thank you, sir."

**-(Back at Naruto's apartment)-**

Tala was sitting on the couch while reading a fashion magazine and having a cup of tea, which was on the coffee table in front of her.

She finished an article about the latest fashions from Paris when she heard Felix Faust's voice, _"Hello Tala."_

The sorceress became alert and looked around, "Felix?"

_"Down here,"_ he replied.

She looked down and saw a miniature Faust made of steam; he was standing on the surface of her beverage.

"What are you doing here?" Tala glared at him.

_"Oh, Tala. It seems you've forgotten my lesson about asking dumb questions. But since you asked . . . I want my tome back. The real one. Oh and nice try with the illusion but quite disappointing. You've become slack in your skills,"_ he replied, casually checking his fingernails.

She crossed her arms, "And why would I just hand it over to you?"

_"I was hoping you'd ask that,"_ the miniature wizard waved his hand and forced some spare steam to take the shape of an unconscious Red X, _"Let's just say if you don't, your precious 'master' shall ever awaken again."_

Seeing her beloved master like that caused Tala's anger to spike as she bared her teeth like a wild animal and slammed her hands onto the table, "You do anything to him and I swear I'll-!"

_"Tsk, tsk, tsk. That's no way to speak to someone who has leverage over you. Especially if the leverage involves a person you care for,"_ Faust smirked.

As much as she hated to admit it, the sorcerer had a point; she took a deep breath.

"Where and when?" she asked in a slightly defeated tone.

A smug smile appeared on his face, _"Hmmm . . . let's make it . . . the place where we first met. And as for 'when', you have one hour. See you soon."_

Felix and Red X evaporated as Tala dug her nails into the couch cushion.

**-(Almost an hour later in a British countryside)-**

Felix Faust stood within the ruins of a stone castle and in the middle of the area were his twelve tomes all arranged in an incomplete circle; each tome was opened to the section containing the parts of the summoning ritual.

He glanced at his watch, "Five minutes left. She's certainly taking her time and I surely hope she tries something once she gets here. Just so I can rid this world of you."

The wizard looked to his right where large wooden roots were holding up the still-unconscious Red X then he grinned evilly, "Though maybe I should either way. The Legion of Doom would certainly rest easier at night knowing that you are dead."

"Touch him and your Legion will have one less member within its ranks," called out Tala's voice.

The sorcerer looked to find Tala walking over and in her arms was the real tome.

Felix's grin grew wider, "Ah, good. You've brought it. But if it's another illusion, I'll be quite cross."

"It's real, you rat's asshole," she growled.

He put on a faux forlorn face, "Oh, Tala, no need to be so cruel. I still remember when you used to call me 'teacher'. In fact . . . it was right here in this exact spot where you pledged yourself to my teachings, wasn't it?"

"Yes but that was before you trapped me in a mirror, you putrid slug."

"True. But even you have to admit that being in the ruins of my old castle must have brought back a few good memories to you, right?"

Tala said nothing and just glared at him.

"Oh well, it was worth a try. But I guess it's time to complete our business," Felix held out a hand, "My tome if you please."

"Release my master first."

"After I get my book. And I suggest you cooperate. If you want your precious master to remain in pristine condition," he snapped his fingers and the roots around Red X started to tighten.

Tala saw this and cried out, "Stop!"

Felix smirked as he commanded the roots to cease their actions.

She held the tome out to him, "Take it. Just let him go."

"Set it down and step away. Any tricks and Red X gets the life squeezed out of him," he warned with a smirk.

Tala did what he said; she set the book down on the ground and stepped back before Faust walked over and picked up the book.

He caressed the front cover in a tender manner, "At last."

"Now fulfill your end of our agreement, Felix. Let my master go," the sorceress demanded.

"Of course. I got what I wanted," Felix commanded the roots to place Red X down and sink into the ground, "But I'm afraid there will be a last-minute change to our deal."

With a wave of his hand, more roots sprung up from underneath Tala and wrapped around her.

"You snake!" she glared at him.

"What? I let your beloved master go. That was the deal. But now I have a new proposition for you," the sorcerer walked up to her, "Or more accurately, an old proposition."

He ran a finger over her jawline, "Join me, Tala. You and I can have the world at our mercy. We can even rule the vermin beneath us and crush them on a moment's whim. We will be like gods. What do you say?"

Tala's response was her spitting in his face.

"That was rude though not surprising. You were always quite fiery and stubborn," Felix casually wiped his face clean, "But no matter. There is more than one way to a woman's heart and mind."

Tala growled at her captor who walked over to the circle of tomes.

"First things first. Time to deliver on my promise to Luthor," Faust set the final book in the empty spot.

He quickly flipped through the pages until he came upon the section containing the part for the summoning ritual.

The sorcerer took a breath then said, _"__Veni, inquit, O antiqui unum. Sapientia enim huius mundi vocationem, et benedicere et magnitudinem tuam narrabunt. Adolebitque ea in ira tua deducet me, et qua ratione detester quem nobis. Post verba autem mea in pace versabitur. Veni foras! Veni, inquit, dico!__"_

A pentagram made of white light appeared on the ground within the circle of tomes and started to shine brightly. It soon created a luminous pillar that reached up to the sky, which was quickly being covered in dark clouds.

Tala spoke up, "That spell, that was-"

"A ritual to summon one of the ancient gods? Why, yes. Glad to know you retained some of my teachings," grinned Felix, "Once the god arrives, I shall use them to destroy the Justice League and hand the world over on a silver platter to the Legion of Doom! Bwahahahahahahaha!"

His captive just scowled at him.

"I must admit I was expecting so much more from you, Tala. I thought you would put up more of a fight or at least have some kind of plan. But you didn't and are now my captive. Even I have to admit that I didn't think this would work out so well. I guess I'll have to thank that clown for coming up with this idea."

The sorcerer threw her a lecherous smirk, "But you have indeed become too lax turning your time with Red X. I had better properly reeducate you and then some later. Maybe tonight. And every night after that."

"First of all, eww. Second, what made you assume I had no plan?" she asked then smirked.

Before he could question her, something large burst out from the ground some feet away from them; it turned out to be a plant monster composed of many thorny vines and a closed red flower for a head.

The blossom opened to reveal an angry Poison Ivy, "Hey, fuckface! You have something that belongs to us!"

Her creature flicked one of its vines and sent a barrage of thorns at the sorcerer who immediately responded by letting loose a stream of fire from his mouth. His attack incinerated the spikes and hit the floral abomination, engulfing it in flames. Ivy, however, managed to avoid the blaze by jumping off and using her powers to mutate some nearby grass to catch her and set her down gently as her monster was reduced to ash.

Felix chuckled, "Seriously? Did you really think I couldn't handle Poison Ivy and her overgrown weeds? Frankly, I'm a little insulted."

"Then it's a good thing we brought our wild card," smirked the redhead.

"'Wild card'?" he asked.

The side of his head was suddenly struck from behind; the hit caused him to spin around and see that the culprit was a black wooden baseball bat wielded by Harley Quinn.

She swung her weapon into his right upper arm, "No one."

Next into his left thigh, "Messes."

Then she struck his stomach, "With."

She followed up with a hit to his back, "Our."

Finally, she uppercutted him in the chin, "Man!"

Her final blow caused blood and a couple of teeth to fly out of his mouth as he fell backwards and lost consciousness. Tala used her magic to burn away the roots restraining her before she and Ivy joined the lady clown.

"Nice work, Harls," the redhead looked at the downed sorcerer.

Tala nodded, "Yes, I knew it was wise to ask you for help."

"Well, I gotta protect what's mine," the blonde with the pigtails grinned.

"Okay. Let's grab _our_ beau and get the fuck outta here," said Ivy.

The sorceress quickly spoke up, "Wait, we have to stop Felix's ritual before-"

A piercing roar from the pillar of light caught their attention and they watched as a large clawed arm rose up from below.

"Something comes through," finished Tala.

"Shit," cursed Ivy.

The sound of chuckling came from Felix Faust as he stood up, "Oh yes, this world shall feel the wrath of a god."

He soon threw the three ladies a manic grin, "And you three will make the perfect first meal for it."

"As badass as a god destroying the world sounds, I think we'll pass on that and the 'first meal' bit. Ive and I still got a lair to decorate and shit," retorted Harley.

"We'll also be taking back my book," Tala's hands became coated in her magical energy.

His smile turned into a scowl, "It's _my _book! And you'll take it over my cold dead body!"

"As you wish," the sorceress summoned about three-dozen shades.

"Pathetic," Faust summoned his own horde of shadowy beasts and his looked more fearsome than hers, "Now these are shade creatures."

His creatures immediately charged towards the trio of women but Tala had hers intercept; both sides began to tear each other apart into small clouds of black smoke.

"Time to uneven the odds," Felix summoned more shades that quickly outnumbered Tala's and ripped them into pieces before heading straight for the ladies.

"Enough of this," the sorceress shot some magic into the ground and created a wave of energy that destroyed Felix's shadow creatures and knocked him off his feet.

"Now! Go for the books! We need to grab just one to stop that ritual!" Tala led the two villainesses in a charge towards their intended target.

Felix saw this then created swords from the surrounding stone and sent them flying at the trio.

The sorceress saw the attack coming, "Watch out!"

They managed to dodge a few of the conjured weapons before Ivy used her powers to create a thick wall of grass to protect them as they kept running; the wizard kept up the assault despite the eco-terrorist keeping them safe. The ladies were getting closer to the pillar of light and now, the vague dark shape of a dragon could be seen inside of it.

"The ritual is almost complete. We have to stop it _now_," said Tala.

Harley got an idea, "Tala, when I give the word, give me a push."

"Huh?"

"Just fuckin' do it, bitch," the lady clown smirked and tossed her bat aside.

She jumped and quickly dropped into a sliding pose before touching the ground, "Now!"

Tala used her magic to do what the blonde asked and gave her a push, causing her to slide even faster towards the pillar of light.

Felix saw and snarled, "No!"

He conjured another stone sword, except this one was larger than the others, and sent it flying towards Harley. The weapon was almost upon her when it was shattered into dust by a magical blast from Tala; the blonde grabbed the nearest tome and took it with her on her slide.

"NOOOO!" cried out Felix.

The pillar of light and the being inside it disappeared by the time the lady clown skidded to a stop. Tala and Ivy joined up with her as the dark clouds in the sky broke.

The eco-terrorist smiled at her best friend, "Nice going, Harley."

"Yes, excellent job," agreed the sorceress.

"Heh, good thing I took Little League baseball as a kid," the blonde stood up.

A shout of frustration rang from Felix Faust as he glared daggers at the trio of women.

"That's it! I had it with you meddlesome bitches!" he reached into his tunic and pulled out a small demon skull carved from stone.

Tala stepped back in fear, "Oh no."

"What? It's just a fancy carved pebble," said Harley.

"Not for long," Faust grinned sinisterly, "_Evigilare faciatis daemonium in me et caro hominis evanescet._"

The stone skull melted into his flesh then the wizard hunched over and was engulfed by a cloud of black smoke. Shouts of pain and manic laughter could be heard from the plume as it grew to forty feet tall before disappearing to reveal what happened to Faust. He had been transformed into a horned humanoid demon with gray skin, clawed hands, and talons for feet; his clothes were gone save for his headdress, bracelets, and pants.

Harley glanced at Tala and asked casually, "I'm guess that's what you meant, right?"

"Yes," the sorceress replied.

"Ah. Well, shit."

Felix looked down at the three women, grinned evilly, and inhaled deeply; Tala immediately used her magic to construct a rock wall to protect them from the flames the demon wizard let loose from his mouth.

His adversaries tucked down to further avoid the flames as Ivy said, "This complicates things a bit."

"That is an understatement," replied Tala.

Harley asked, "So we're not going to discuss what the fuck just happened? Why is that limp dick Faust that thing now?"

"The Demon Stone. After the wielder holds it and recites the incantation, they are turned into a demon and their power greatly increases."

"How 'greatly' are we talking here?" asked the redhead.

A blob of molten rock fell between them and burnt the ground.

Tala pointed at it, "About that much."

More blobs dropped down around them.

"Fun idea – let's move our asses, shall we?" Harley suggested.

The sorceress replied, "You two, take the tome and grab Master. I'll keep Felix distracted then we all get out of here."

Her cohorts nodded then Ivy grew the head of a nearby flower to the size of a small car and quickly got onto it, "Harley, let's go."

Harley followed her; the mutated plant pulled its roots from the earth and began carrying the two ladies towards their boyfriend. Felix saw this and was about to take action but his concentration was broken by Tala shooting him in the face with an energy blast. He snarled at her then conjured an orb of lightning in each hand and shot both at his former student.

Tala quickly levitated some nearby stone bricks over and arranged them into a giant pair of open hands to block the attack; it worked but they exploded afterwards and the shockwave knocked her to the ground.

"Gotcha," growled Felix.

He held out his left hand towards her and it glowed momentarily then that same glow covered Tala; she grunted as her body stiffened and levitated into the air. The demon wizard grinned at his handiwork and turned to the mutant flower carrying the other women towards the unconscious Red X. They were almost there until some spiked roots shot up underneath them, skewered their floral ride, and ripped it in half.

Harley and Ivy fell out and the former accidentally dropped the tome upon hitting the ground but before she could retrieve it, Faust cast the same immobilizing spell he used on Tala upon them. He levitated all three of his enemies towards him and grinned evilly as they struggled to move.

"You will die now," he growled and got ready to deliver another fire breath attack.

The ladies watched helplessly as flames gathered in Felix's fanged maw but before he could strike, two small objects flew through the air and embedded themselves into his face. He growled in confusion and his flames subsided; the demon wizard looked to find a pair of X-shurikens stuck in his right cheek. They beeped a few times and soon created a large explosion that caused him to roar in pain. He also lost his focus thus making his spells upon the females to fail.

They fell to the ground then looked in the direction the shurikens came from to find Red X on his feet and glaring at the demonized mage.

**"Leave them alone,"** the thief and assassin growled.

The ladies smiled and ran over to him as Harley called out, "Babe!"

"Master!" Tala cried out in joy.

Upon reaching him, they wrapped their arms around X and Ivy said, "We're so glad you're okay!"

"I was so worried about you, my dearest master," said the sorceress.

Harley kissed the side of his helmet, "We all were."

Red X did hear them but he was still glaring daggers at Felix Faust who was growling in pain from his face being burnt.

**"Sorry but this love fest is gonna have to wait,"** he separated from the group hug, **"You three stay back. This asshole is mine."**

Red X shot off like a bullet towards the demon wizard who had finally got over his pain and scowled at his oncoming enemy then conjured some lightning orbs into his hands.

'Ready, partner?' the masked Naruto mentally asked.

_**'Damn right,'**_ answered Kurama.

'Good. Let's kick this guy's ass. Give me a boost and make it subtle.'

**'Got it.'**

The master thief and assassin felt a surge of energy throughout his whole body and he sped up as Faust launched his attack. He was unfazed and just pushed his belt buckle thus making him vanish instantly and reappear some yards closer to his foe. Felix launched another pair of electric spheres though the result was the same with X teleporting to avoid harm while getting closer.

The demon wizard decided to switch things up by conjuring a dozen ice spikes then launching them at Red X who dropped down to a slide, pushed his belt buckle, and disappeared once again. Felix waited for his enemy to make an appearance but he was nowhere to be seen; what he did not know was X was behind him. The thief and assassin quickly pulled some metal pellets from his belt and threw them at Faust's left leg where they exploded on contact, forcing the demonized mage onto one knee.

Red X ran over to his demonic foe, jumped onto their back, and climbed until he reached the left shoulder and delivered two punches to either side of the joint; Felix roared as his arm went limp.

"Bastard!" the demon wizard tried to grab his pesky foe.

X reacted by tossing three X-shurikens into Faust's clawed hand; they delivered a painful electric shock that caused him to roar as his foe climbed to his head and clung onto one of his horns. The thief and assassin reached into a pouch at the back of his belt and pulled out a palm-sized black and silver grenade. He pushed a button near the tip of the miniature explosive and it started beeping then he kicked the demon wizard in the left eye, making him bellow in pain even louder.

**"Open wide, bitch,"** growled Red X.

He threw the grenade into Felix's roaring maw and quickly teleported to the ground. The demon wizard felt something slide down his throat and heard a beeping sound coming from inside him; he soon realized what happened.

"Uh oh," Felix grunted.

A large explosion thundered from his gut followed by some smoke billowing from his mouth. His eyes rolled back into his head and he fell backwards onto the ground where he lost consciousness.

Red X walked over to the downed demon, **"Never. Mess. With my ladies."**

The aforementioned females ran over with Harley calling out, "Foxy!"

They soon saw his handiwork close up as Ivy said, "Whoa. Is he dead?"

Tala saw that Felix was breathing, "No, he's still alive . . . unfortunately."

Smoke started coming off his body and it was not long until he shrank to his original size and returned to being a human.

"Master, would you like to finish the job? And would you like some help?" the sorceress tried to send him a hint.

Red X let out a sigh, **"Honestly, Tala, what I would like right now is a nice hot ramen bowl. A big one. With miso and pork."**

"But if I may, my master, I believe we should take hold of such a rare opportunity," she said.

"Damn, you really want this guy dead, don't ya? Not that I can blame you," Harley picked up a nearby rock, "M'kay. Leave this to me."

She was getting ready to bash in the sorcerer's face when Ivy said, "Harls, he's immortal, remember? He'll just come back to life or whatever. The guy's like a cockroach."

"Oh, right. Fuck," the lady clown dropped the rock and pouted in disappointment.

Red X placed a hand on her shoulder, **"No need to pout, baby. I promise you can kill the first mortal person that tries to kill us next."**

Harley smiled a little from hearing him say that.

"And as wonderful as it would be to smash Felix's face in with a rock, I was actually talking about . . . something else," Tala smirked.

**-(The House of Mystery)-**

Orchid levitated all thirteen of Felix Faust's tomes into a bookshelf in the living area then she smiled, "There."

Naruto, with his helmet on the coffee table, was sitting in an armchair as he looked down at Tala who was kneeling before him.

"Please forgive me, Master. It was my fault you were captured. I should have came up with a better plan," said the sorceress.

"Tala, you rescued me. And helped stop Felix from bringing a dangerous god into our world. Not to mention that you got ahold of his entire collection of tomes. Everything worked out in the end so I call that a huge win," he replied.

"No, Master. Please, I deserve to be punished. Do with me what you wish. I shall concede to whatever you decide."

The hero from another world sighed for he knew she was not going to let this go so he had to come up with something; he quickly got an idea.

"Okay, Tala. You shall be punished," he cleared his throat for a second, "Starting now and for the next two weeks, you are forbidden from calling me 'Master'. You will only call me 'Naruto'. But when around people who do not know of my real identity, you will call me 'Red X'. Understand?"

Tala lowered her head, "Yes, M-Naruto. I understand. You are most fair."

"Good," said Naruto.

Over on a couch, Ivy and Harley watched the exchange.

The redhead whispered to her friend, "She seriously considers _that_ a punishment?"

"It's gotta be a kink thing or something," whispered back the blonde with the pigtails.

The sorceress stood up then sat down next to the other two women though she was in a melancholy mood.

Naruto smiled at his ladies from Gotham City, "And thank you as well, you two."

Ivy replied, "Of course. Once Tala showed up at the mall and asked us for help, there was no way in hell we were refusing."

"Fuck no. No one kidnaps our man and gets away with it," said Harley then she smirks, "Though I thought you were supposed to be some kind of badass. And you went and got yourself captured."

"I'm only human. And the dude blindsided me with a sleeping spell. It wasn't like I saw it coming, I can't see into the future," retorted Naruto, defending himself.

Tala spoke up, "Actually, Mas-Naruto, that sleep spell might have been planned."

"What do you mean?"

"Felix mentioned how 'everything went so well'. So it stands to reason your capture was planned," the sorceress suggested.

"That would make sense. He captures Naruto and gets the tome from you," said Ivy.

"But wouldn't that mean Felix knew Tala might trick him?" Harley asked.

"Well as much as I hate to admit it, Felix is smart. He must have realized I wouldn't give up the real tome so easily and had a contingency plan," said Tala, "But he did mention something about thanking a clown. Whatever that means."

The blonde with the pigtails immediately knew what that meant and growled, "Joker. He must have helped Felix put that plan together. That asshole!"

"Probably to mess with you. Felix must have told him we were with Red X at the library and Joker must have given him the idea to hold X hostage if he didn't get the real book," said the green-skinned redhead.

"Argh! I'm caving in Joker's skull when I get into the Legion of Doom," Harley bared her teeth like a mad dog but she became saddened by a sudden thought, "But I doubt I'll be gettin' in now. I mean I just went against one of their senior members. That's gotta be bad for my chances."

"I don't know. Like you said, you helped stop one of their members from taking over the world. I think that might get you some serious recognition," said Naruto.

"You think so?"

"Yeah. Maybe it'll make them realize you're better off with them than against them. If you can stop a master wizard, you could probably stop any other villain out there. Trust me, they'll want you."

A hopeful smile appeared on Harley's face.

He continued to speak, "But I gotta admit, I'm proud of all three of you. You worked together and held your own against one of the most dangerous magical supervillains in the world. I feel I should reward you with something. Maybe dinner and a movie?"

The women on the couch looked at each other and smirked before the redhead among them said, "Actually, we had a feeling you'd want to reward us for saving you or whatever. So we came up with an idea already."

"Oh? What's that?"

She and the other two walked over to their shared lover and surrounded him; he actually became a little nervous.

Harley leaned against the left side of his armchair, "Since we just risked our lives to save ya and the fuckin' world for that matter . . . "

"It's only right you pay us back in the manner of our choosing," said Ivy on his right.

Tala draped her arms around his neck from behind, "And we have chosen . . . an angel's four-way. An intense one, our dear Naruto."

"Oh . . . you sure you ladies wouldn't want dinner first?" asked a nervous Naruto.

"No," they said in unison.

Orchid came over, "Shall I, once again, ready the master bedroom for sexual activities?"

"Please do, Orchid. And add some whipped cream, chocolate syrup, and honey this time," replied the sorceress.

"As you wish," the house spirit said with a small smirk.

Before she left, the lady clown asked her, "Wait, 'once again'? Have these two fucked here before?"

"They have, quite a few times. They say it is the best place to be alone," confessed the purple woman, "Though . . . Tala is not the first woman Naruto has taken within these walls."

"Oh? Who was the first?" the eco-terrorist was intrigued.

Orchid did not say a word; instead, she gave a coy smile and her cheeks appeared to blush.

"Ha! I knew it! I fuckin' knew it! I told you, Ive. I told you!" Harley grinned like a maniac.

"Okay, okay, you were right," said Ivy, admitting defeat.

Tala cleared her throat for a moment, "Orchid, the master bedroom, please."

"Of course," the house spirit disappeared then the three ladies grabbed Naruto and dragged him over to the staircase.

**-(Later at the Abandoned Mall)-**

Harley attached some wires to the back of the big screen television in the living area then grabbed the remote and turned it on.

She smiled upon seeing the screen light up, "Entertainment system is up and running."

King Shark finished filling their new indoor pools with toys and water, "Pools are done."

Clayface moved the last of the furniture into place before announcing with a big grin on his face, "And our furniture is set."

"Nice work, everyone. This place is definitely feeling like the most badass lair in all of Gotham City," said the lady clown.

Ivy placed the last of her plants into the gardening plots and turned around to look at their new home, "You know, Harls, I'll admit I had some doubts about this place. But there's no denying that it's really come together."

"See? I told you – _we_ define the lair," replied her best friend.

"A blank canvas for us to shape into our very image," said Clayface.

"Uh, yeah. Exactly," Harley turned towards their new pizza parlor kitchen where Tala could be seen leaning over a counter, "How's it going over there, you two?"

Red X's head popped up, **"Good. Should be done very soon."**

"Sweet. Thanks, babe," Harley threw him a wink.

He ducked back down before holding a hand out to the sorceress, "Duct tape, please."

She grabbed the requested adhesive from a nearby toolbox and handed it to him, "Here you go, my dear Mas- I mean Red X."

"Thank you. And good job on sticking to your punishment," he took it and resumed working on whatever it was he was doing as his lovely servant smiled a little from his praise.

Back in the living area, Harley dropped onto the couch.

"Fuck yeah. This place makes Joker's look like a total dump in comparison," she grinned.

Red X and Tala soon came over then he announced, **"And it's about to get even better."**

He hands his bleached-skin babe a small remote control, **"Your brand new lair-wide stereo system is ready to go."**

She squealed in delight, took the controller from him, and pushed the power button; the sound system came to life and played "Rock You Like a Hurricane" by The Scorpions.

"Oh fuckin' awesome!" Harley immediately latched onto her shared-boyfriend, "Thank you, thank you, thank you."

**"No problem,"** he said.

Suddenly, Dr. Psycho's voice screamed out, "TURN THAT FUCKING SHIT DOWN!

The telepath arrived onto the scene, holding a full icepack to his head, "Some of us are still trying to recover from a fucking concussion!"

He sat down on the couch as Harley turned off the sound system and asked, "How's the head, Psycho?"

"You tell me," Psycho removed the pack to reveal a rather large bump.

"Hey, it's not bleeding anymore. That's a good sign," grinned King Shark.

"Let us take a look," Clayface used his powers to give himself a white doctor's coat, a head mirror, and a clipboard, "Now, does it hurt when I do this?"

He gave the bump a quick flick and it made the telepath cry out in pain, "Owowowowowowowow!"

"Well, he didn't curse at the top of his voice this time. He must be getting better," Ivy smirked.

"I wouldn't have this goose egg on my head in the first place if you're fucking boyfriend's ghost didn't send me flying. LIKE A FUCKING ROCKET!" screamed the diminutive villain as Clayface assumed his normal form.

The redhead chortled, "That was still fucking awesome."

**"Not my fault that she didn't like you, Psycho. Consider yourself lucky she aimed for the couch," **chuckled Red X.

Psycho scowled at him, "Fuck you, you psychopathic asshole! You shouldn't even be here! The last thing we need is for you to be around us more."

"Ugh, this again?" Harley asked.

"Don't you get it? The Legion of Doom knows we were with X in London, they probably think we're his helpers or some bullshit. Our chances of getting' in are gone! We. Are. Screwed. Big time!" stressed the telepath.

"And here I thought Clayface was the drama queen of this crew," said the lady clown.

"It appears I have been dethroned. Oh such is the cruel ways of the universe. It hath no mercy for those underneath its mighty thumbs," said the aforementioned shapeshifter in a dramatic fashion.

"Maybe fifty-fifty," said King Shark.

Harley spoke to her telepathic teammate, "Psycho, relax. The Legion of Doom is not going to think we're working with X. Once we go back to doing our own shit like stealing stuff or whatever, we'll be back in the running in no time. Plus I helped beat one of their members. They gotta be impressed by that."

The diminutive telepath glared at his blonde boss, "How can you be so fuckin' naïve? I'm telling you right now, our chances are dead. And all because of your asshole of a man-whore boyfriend and his overrated magic spewing bitch."

Suddenly, Red X gave Psycho a right jab to the side of his head then kicked him in the face so hard that he vaulted over the couch; he lost consciousness shortly after.

Everyone turned to the master thief and assassin who shrugged and said, **"What? He should've remembered what I told Felix – watch who you call a bitch in front of me."**

Tala hugged his arm while giving him a loving smile, "My hero."

Harley suddenly asked everyone, "Hey, anyone up for some pizza?"

"Ooh, I could go for some. It is the traditional meal to have after a big move, after all," King Shark licked his lips at the thought of the aforementioned food.

"Let's go to Julia's in Little Italy. Their Parmesan breadsticks are superb and go excellent with their pepperoni and sausage pizza," smiled Clayface.

Ivy chimed in, "Ah, that make-your-own-salad is the best."

"I'm more of a fan of their calzones. Especially with that delicious garlic dipping sauce," said Tala.

**"But the stuffed ravioli they make is pretty damn good too,"** added Red X.

"Then what are we waiting for? Let's go," cheered Harley.

They took their leave as Frank called out from one of the gardening plots, "Bring me back a meatball sub! You owe me for those motherfuckin' fish and chips you forgot!"

"Got it, Frank!" answered Ivy.

He crossed his arms and grumbled, "Damn right."

The mutant flytrap decided to watch a little television so he stretched into viewing range to get a better look, completely ignoring the small groan of pain coming from behind the couch.

* * *

**And there you have it! I hope you all enjoyed this new original chapter!**

**One more thing - this story has a new custom-made cover image! It was commissioned by Rebelling Death here on FanFiction and Koniak007 over on deviantART. I thank them both for such a wonderful and generous gift. Check them out!**

**Another piece of news comes from me - I got a couple of new story ideas bubbling in my mind. Maybe you'll enjoy them, maybe you won't. I'll have to write them first to see what happens.**

**Until next time, here's to a happy new year! See you all next time!**


End file.
